Pick up the Motorola Brick, Zack — Hollywood’s calling.
Thanks in part to Jimmy Fallon’s Petition, I just got word that a Saved By The Bell reunion is possible according to Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Awesome. I can wipe the drool off of the vinyl and get back to my regular schedule, i.e. trying to remember how many As there are in Mark-Paul Gosselaar. Three? Four? Fuck if I know.
I’m not one to waste any time getting to work, so here’s my first beat sheet for the reunion treatment. Now, I can’t remember who was dating or married or whatever on their last episode, and I didn’t watch The College Years very closely, so instead of doing research, I’m going to start from scratch. Let’s call it a Saved By The Bell brand reboot Read more
INT. TATTOO PARLOR - EVENING
MAKAELAH, 18, and ASHLEIGH, 18 1/2, titter and enter Thor’s
Tattoo Parlor. THOR, early 60s, has a bit of a rockabilly
look to him, with full sleeve tattoos.
Hello ladies. May I help you?
My friend here would like a tattoo.
Oh my god, stop lying, slut!
You’re a slut!
I remember walking through a maze one night as I entered some bloody abbatoire. Taking center stage was a really fucked up looking bitch zombie with blood smeared across her lips and chin. The blood dripped onto her ragged white dolly dress as she rocked back and forth in her thigh-high striped stockings, her hair a mess of gooey natty dreadlocks. She clutched and waved a butcher knife in one hand and a drippy cow tongue in the other. I dunno what it was, but I was sporting serious hots for this bitch zombie — I couldn’t believe how fucking atrociously sexy she was. I went through the maze a second time just so I could see her again, and she and I made a connection. A very human/bitch zombie connection.
“You again?!” she said! “Come here and become a slab of meat.”
“An honor,” I said, melting away.
Ultimately we realized that we really had more differences than similarities and we just kind of decided to each go our own way. I never saw her again after that second time. Ah, my whirlwind romance with the bitch zombie tart at Knott’s Scary Farm.
Sometimes you need a dominatrix to boss you around and spank your tush, but why are they always so gruff and hostile? Generally, I’m a pretty cooperative guy. If you ask me to do something, and if I recognize you as an authority, I’ll probably do it, so I don’t understand why all of the aggression and acrimony comes standard in a dominatrix.
Sometimes I need a dominatrix who’s gentle and friendly.
“Please lick my boots, slave.”
“Is that okay, Mistress?”
“It’s satisfactory, but maybe you want to try a little harder to please me?”
“Well, that was okay; I certainly applaud your effort, but Mistress may not have derived as much pleasure from that as she could have. Can you please try again?”
“I’m sorry to have disappointed you, Mistress. I’ll try harder.”
“You haven’t disappointed me, but I would appreciate if you would concentrate a little more.”
“How was that, Mistress?”
“That was a good effort, and you certainly produced. You are a good slave.”
“Thank you for the edifying feedback, Mistress!”
“You’re quite welcome. Now I will spank your tush.”
“Thank you, Mistress, may I have another?”
“Please lick my other boot first, slave.”