Tag Archive for boy scouts of america

Ultimate Reality Show Pitch: MACHO MAN

Here’s my pitch for the ultimate reality show: MACHO MAN

 

LAND
* A few dozen guys are thrown into the North American wilderness. Somewhere in the Yukon, I’d guess.
* Their first challenge will be to grow a mustache, like the old Brawny paper towel man. It’s got to be a good gay disco mustache or they’re tossed off of the show. “Anytime, Sal!”
* Surviving on their wits, their ability to eat bugs and rotting carcasses, to fish, build shelter, light fires and make weapons, they must try to not die in the forest. If they have to cuddle with each other to stay warm, so be it.
* If lucky, they will travel from the Yukon to the heart of Alaska where, if their skills of navigation have prevailed, they will arrive at our first checkpoint. Here the macho candidates will fell ten old-growth trees and prepare them for removal from the forest. Ah, but it’s old-sk00l felling! Axes and traditional saws — no power tools. They’ll definitely have to work together as lovers if they want to clear the forest.
* Those who don’t die from the tree felling will continue their trek until they reach our second challenge: To raise and train Read more

How To Kick A Little Kid’s Ass At The Pinewood Derby

A friend of mine recently mentioned that he was helping a young lad with his Pinewood Derby car, and I wanted to give him a few tips for success, having whipped the asses of countless children at many forced, unsanctioned Pinewood Derby rallies in my neighborhood.

    * At the very least you’re should eschew pinewood in favor of molded carbon fiber.
    * Instead of a nail for an axle, use high-alloy aircraft grade steel. This will help to maintain a low center of gravity for better handling and reduce the risk of cracking the axle if stressed to its limits.
    * For improved traction over unpredictable terrain you’re going to want a tough every-condition racing suspension supplemented by a computerized traction control system.
    * The tires should be Michelin all-weather steel radials wrapped around German ball-bearings.
    * You’ll also need a decent air intake system to feed cool air into your high performance engine.
    * Above all else, make sure that you install a solid nitrous oxide system for that extra boost when you need it.
    * You don’t need a roll-cage or anything because it’s just a toy car.

This simple recipe is guaranteed to kick the living shit out of any other kid out there with his little rinky-dink bullshit hand-carved wooden car. Sorry twerps, but gravity doesn’t beat a fucking 60hp boost from a sneaky pete nitrous rig. So get in line for your noogies, you little muskrats!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America