Tag Archive for boycott

TMZ And Harvey Levin Sucks

Dear TMZ:

 

TMZ and Harvey Levin both suck. Man, Harvey, I wanted so much to like you. I love The People’s Court, and liked that you were there to explain Judge Milian’s rulings in plain English and in greater detail. What a great service! On EVERY episode of The People’s Court, Her Honor always rules against some poor jackass and that jackass inevitably leaves the courtroom with no bloody comprehension of what the hell just happened to him.

    “I don’t think the judge gave me a chance to say what I had to say.”
    “I don’t think the ruling was very fair at all.”
    Or “Well, the judge made her ruling and I guess I have to live with it.”

Curt Chaplin didn’t have a background in law, so you were the right guy for the job. But then you got a bug up your ass that you needed to become the eviscerator of all celebrity flaw and foible. Crotch shots, humiliating celebrities who’d had the gall to get drunk, high, shave their heads and have devious sexual encounters! And, you took to task those who committed the worst celebrity crime of all, the crime of getting older. Where are they now? Look at their skin! Their hands and their veins and their tendons and cellulite! Are they older and more wrinkly and more human in bad lighting and looking “hungry” or “thirsty” or “humble” or “pleasant”? Dehydrated and lacking rest? Do they have bags under their eyes? Are they carrying too many bags of luggage through LAX for Harvey Levin’s preference? Fuck you.

 

And you really baffled me here: You created celebrities like that Spencer guy, that Heidi chick and Lauren Conrad? I’d never know who these fucktwits are if it hadn’t been for TMZ, which is ironic considering how much TMZ mocks them for their audacity to think that they’re famous. Well, I guess they aren’t total idiots for thinking that they’re famous, because TMZ talks about them every few days. Sounds famous to me. Last week I was explaining to my babyboo why Kim Kardashian is well-known, and I couldn’t help but credit TMZ because there’s no other reason why a dimwitted, talentless amateur pornographer with a seasoned, well-worn, laser treated, hair-removed, ginormous ass would become famous unless she were Ron Jeremy, or Kim Kardashian.

 

TMZ is a terminal disease that I am DETERMINED to defeat. I’ll be the Lance Armstrong of TMZ if I have to be. I’ll cut it out of my body and send it deeply into remission, and hopefully for eternity. Sayonara, Cancer Levin. I feel bad that I’m saying that, because again, I had every reason to like you for your good People’s Court work, but I’m sick of what you do and I’m now going to do “a little rough justice” and take out my resentment of you on Marilyn, Douglas and Curt by boycotting The People’s Court until you leave. That really sucks for me because I enjoy that show so fucking much. Nice work, man.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America
PS: Harvey, with the right hat you’d look a lot like Chico Marx. You suck again for ruining another awesome celebrity.

 

Foreign Narcotics Boycott



 

From information parsed from various news sources, I know this: Mexican drug cartels are murdering cops, civil servants, each other, and innocent families over maintaining power of the drug trade. And maybe even pets! Now, I was always a little surprised that people were getting killed over schwaggy, soil laden, seeds-and-stem, kilo-bricked Mexican marijuana, but now it’s the good stuff too! I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if it isn’t happening, and I’m *nobody’s* uncle, I can assure you of *that*. Mexican murder cartels have begun to wield even more power and exercise greater violence alongside their increased greed.

 

But we can’t let innocent pets die, or even people, and we need to face the unsavory fact that America is in the midst of an economic crisis in need of swift repair. Every penny you spend domestically will help to strengthen us. So, I present to you the first step towards my rung-climbing aspiration to Pharaoh of California, this national movement to boycott foreign narcotics. Look, if you are a Hollywood socialite, it may seem difficult to take a stand against foreign drugs. You’re busy sleeping most of the day and partying at night. When do you have time to take a stand? But your dealers are hungry for your business. If you re-define your needs, they will be forced to provide that product. That’s the free market. So if you are that kind of Hollywood socialite, especially one with any history of public good-deeding (do-gooding? dood-gooing?) or environmental action, just remember that the best environment you can improve right now, is your own environment. Heck**, why involve a dealer at all? If you have any acreage in the Hollywood Hills you probably have plenty of room to grow coca or opium to sustain your needs and the needs of a few of your closest friends. Even if you live in a small home you could probably farm something. And you don’t have to be a socialite to make a difference. Even if you’re just a regular guy who like to party and occasionally snort a line of coke off of the top of a club urinal, you have the right to demand quality. The customer is always right.

 

So beginning now, and until further notice, anyone who cannot grow their own narcotics, for example, because they lack the lab equipment to refine cocaine, are because they are on disability, should insist only upon domestically produced, caffeine, tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, psychedelic mushrooms, LSD, MDMA, organic cocaine and heroin, methamphetamine, GHB, oxycodone and angel dust. I think it’s doable, starting small like that. Tell your drug dealers that you will no longer need their services unless they can provide you with quality, US grown and processed narcotics that bear the Made In The USA sticker. Demand that they open their books for review and that their sources are verifiable by the FDA, USDA or whomever for quality control oversight. Tell your drug lords that you want a written assertion that none of the drugs they provide to you originate, or are linked with, any drug cartels outside of the United States. I think they call that a product mission statement, which is a legitimate expectation to have of your vendors. Your suppliers should take a few tips from the good people at Ben and Jerry’s.

 

We are Americans and we have high standards. We should insist only upon the best, and only upon honest, quality, humanely made products crafted by honest, quality, living-wage-receiving Americans. Let’s get our brethren and sistren out of the unemployment lines and back on the streets, restoring their pride and making them once again the great Americans they always thought they were. This will make our country better, stronger, more unified and will help to prevent the innocent murder of those pets I mentioned in my first paragraph and of the families and cops and civil servants, yadda yadda.

 

Now is the time for action. Now is the time for change!

 

Join the Facebook Group today and start the dialogue!

 

This message has been approved by the campaign of Russ of America for Pharaoh of California.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

**I apologize for swearing.

WTF?!: Sexist Soy Sauce

Should I boycott the 99 Ranch Market for selling this anti-feminist, offensive product? Nah, I really enjoy their pork and chicken bao and it would be a shame to turn my back on them just for this careless infraction.

 

 

But we male feminists are watching you, House Wife Soy Sauce… we are watching you very closely. And China too. [punches fist into hand threateningly.]

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

 

UPDATE 03.04.09: Sexist A-1 Sauce found here!