TO: All @ All
FROM: Russ of America, CFO 400% More Jackoff Magic
SUBJECT: Fiscal Policy Change re: Tipping
Due to the increasingly precarious nature of the economy and significantly reduced revenue streams being seen from Q4 2008 to present, the following policy change will be in effect immediately to help conserve resources vital to the upkeep of our corporation:
1) There will be no more guilt-inspired obligatory tipping at fast food restaurants. Where in the past we might have chucked a buck into a lucite box hand-scrawled with the word “Tips/Propinas” this will occur no longer. This includes in establishments such as the national chain Subway, mom-and-pop Mexican restaurants and the occasional liquor store ballsy enough to request free money. Under what circumstances would we ever tip a liquor store clerk? The dominant reason for this policy shift is to save money, but we also feel that these establishments are free to set their prices at a fair market rate if they feel they are not making enough money. A secondary reason for ignoring the ubiquitous styrofoam tip cup is that tipping doesn’t result in a greater quantity of the product being sold. Subway for example, doesn’t give you extra lettuce if you tip the employee. The mom and pop Mexican restaurant will not give you extra meat in your burrito, or extra patties on your hamburger. Tipping also doesn’t yield a faster service time or guarantee that you will be treated like a champ. So we are ceasing to honor sanctioned begging. Our corporation has been begging people for money for years with no effect, and now it’s time for us to regain control over our disbursements.
2) A more stringent tipping scheme will be employed in dine-in restaurants. Where previously we would tip a minimum of 20% of the total bill to any mediocre server, now we will more cautiously evaluate the server’s DAPASS (Demeanor, Accuracy, Performance, Attentiveness, Speed and Skill) in deciding the tip. We have adjusted the minimum down to 14.9% for a mediocre server, and this amount will be based on the bill SUBTOTAL and not the GRAND TOTAL. Our analytical staff has determined that there is absolutely no reason to include the state sales tax in the tip calculation. Sales tax is a government regulated fee assessed by the state to pay for state services and programs, and a server should not profit from that, especially as there is talk of increasing the California Sales Tax to help offset the state budget deficit.
3) The policy for partronizing bars has been modified as well. Tips will be based on the cost of the beverage, the complexity of beverage being purchased, and also the bartender’s DAPASS. The more expensive the drink is, the less we will tip. A $7 mixed drink will yield a smaller tip than a $4 mixed drink of the same type at a different venue, on the basis that the venue is already grossly overcharging the patron. The complexity of the beverage will also determine the tip. A mixed drink will fetch a higher tip because there is more labor and specialized skill involved. No bartender should expect a buck or more for popping a bottle cap off of a beer bottle. Give me the fucking thing and I’ll open it. If you insist upon doing it yourself, be prepared to smile when we hand you four bits for your trouble. We don’t care if the server is wearing a pair of cutesy little shortie-shorts and a tank top tonight, it’s a bad economy, brother.
Please replace your existing tipping policy chart with this memorandum as this policy is now in effect.
Russ of America, CFO 400% More Jackoff Magic
[c] 2009 Russ of America