The Getty Villa has something that I’ve seen a few dozen times in life: A pool of water with coins in it. I doubt the Getty people put the coins in there. I suppose it’s possible, but I’d guess that it’s a contingent of plebian visitors who are mucking up the pool with coins. My first assumption would have been that the Getty caters to a more selective, cultured audience who might refrain from dumping their pocket change into a classy reflective pool, but having seen the practice with my own two lying eyes, what I’ve known for years has been proven true again: For whatever reason, humans cannot resist throwing coins into a body of water. People usually won’t ditch coins deliberately in the ocean or in lakes, maybe because you lose visual connection after you dump it into the surf, but if you put a pool or a fountain in the middle of a mall or any centralized walking space, especially if you might take a date there, without fail some jackoffs will have thrown handfuls of coins into it. I wonder if it’s the same people who put chewing gum under restaurant tables. Who the fuck is doing that?
The coins-in-pool phenomenon reaffirms my hypothesis that the quickest and surest way for me to achieve my fortune is to create a chain of trendy wishing-wells not unlike Starbucks. I could call it Mybucks, because that’s literally what it would be. Naw, that’s a stupid fucking name. By the time I cut the ribbon I’ll have a way better name because I’ll hire a marketing strategy genius to brand my wishing well as really upper-crust and to convince people that my wishing well chain is the absolute best in the entire world. Creme de la creme. I’d sort of want the Cognac XO analog to wishing wells, whatever that is. A wishing well that inspires loyalty. A wishing well that will make people scoff at the other wishing wells the way they scoff at cheap coffee, cheap cigars or cheap wine. “Sorry man, but I only use Russ of America brand wishing wells, they’re way better than that stupid seagull shit-encrusted wishing well in Marina Del Rey. My cousin is a wishing well expert and he says that the RCoA brand is tops and that I should accept no substitutes on account of I’m a superstitious high roller!” And yes, I’d want to have exclusive contracts with top casinos, hotels, and other venues to install about 200 of my wishing wells all throughout Vegas. Ooh, and in Dubai! I’ll be the Dubai wishing well mogul! I’m not sure if wishing is against the Islamic faith, but you can guarantee that if there are people in Dubai, and a wishing well in Dubai, then Dubai people will put Dubai coins in the wishing well in Dubai, Islam or not. It’s science.
Whomever designs this wishing well would have to make it a real sweet piece of ass. Maybe delicious-looking imported Italian marble or some kind of special fountain that shoots water out of gorgeous robotic chrome nipples. Sexy blue and purple lighting for after hours like a space-age bachelor pad. Maybe some mist and a disco ball. Esquivel playing softly from speakers hidden in fake boulders. I’m not sure. But it’d be a hell of a sight to see whatever it looked like. Shiny, clean, sexy, smooth, sleek and mod. Maybe we’d have a different design theme for each well. Kind of like Fry’s Electronics. Zen, space ships, ancient Egypt, old Holland, verdant Irish knolls, lots of gold trim and frescoes. Like a really classy miniature golf course. There’d probably be a way to pick lottery numbers and special designer cubby holes in which to aim your coins if you wanted to wish for people’s health and other jive like that. But not bullseyes because we don’t want the thing to look like a fuckin’ SkeeBall. And as part of the branding we’d spread some propaganda so that people knew that my chain of wishing wells are extra famous for giving extra good luck, especially if you put extra money into the wishing well. Fuck pennies, you cheap motherfucker! Throw a roll of quarters in there if you want to maybe have your wish come true. Wrap a $20 around a pebble and toss it in. Don’t worry, we have dryers. It’s not very scientific, but if people give money to psychics on the belief that those thieving turds can discern the future by playing solitaire with a spooky deck of cards, I don’t see why that same person wouldn’t give me all of their spare change on the unrealistic expectation that they’d somehow prosper for it. Humans are ridiculously superstitious and they deserve to voluntarily empty their pockets for my benefit, and in this economy (here we go again with that expression…) I don’t mind helping them out.
Brother, can you spare a dime?
[c] 2009 Russ of America
(Gratitudes to my lovely bebbeboo for discovering that nasty weave fountain with me in November 2008)
PS: Yes, I’m aware that the title of this article is grammatically incorrect.