TMZ and Harvey Levin both suck. Man, Harvey, I wanted so much to like you. I love The People’s Court, and liked that you were there to explain Judge Milian’s rulings in plain English and in greater detail. What a great service! On EVERY episode of The People’s Court, Her Honor always rules against some poor jackass and that jackass inevitably leaves the courtroom with no bloody comprehension of what the hell just happened to him.
“I don’t think the judge gave me a chance to say what I had to say.”
“I don’t think the ruling was very fair at all.”
Or “Well, the judge made her ruling and I guess I have to live with it.”
Curt Chaplin didn’t have a background in law, so you were the right guy for the job. But then you got a bug up your ass that you needed to become the eviscerator of all celebrity flaw and foible. Crotch shots, humiliating celebrities who’d had the gall to get drunk, high, shave their heads and have devious sexual encounters! And, you took to task those who committed the worst celebrity crime of all, the crime of getting older. Where are they now? Look at their skin! Their hands and their veins and their tendons and cellulite! Are they older and more wrinkly and more human in bad lighting and looking “hungry” or “thirsty” or “humble” or “pleasant”? Dehydrated and lacking rest? Do they have bags under their eyes? Are they carrying too many bags of luggage through LAX for Harvey Levin’s preference? Fuck you.
And you really baffled me here: You created celebrities like that Spencer guy, that Heidi chick and Lauren Conrad? I’d never know who these fucktwits are if it hadn’t been for TMZ, which is ironic considering how much TMZ mocks them for their audacity to think that they’re famous. Well, I guess they aren’t total idiots for thinking that they’re famous, because TMZ talks about them every few days. Sounds famous to me. Last week I was explaining to my babyboo why Kim Kardashian is well-known, and I couldn’t help but credit TMZ because there’s no other reason why a dimwitted, talentless amateur pornographer with a seasoned, well-worn, laser treated, hair-removed, ginormous ass would become famous unless she were Ron Jeremy, or Kim Kardashian.
TMZ is a terminal disease that I am DETERMINED to defeat. I’ll be the Lance Armstrong of TMZ if I have to be. I’ll cut it out of my body and send it deeply into remission, and hopefully for eternity. Sayonara, Cancer Levin. I feel bad that I’m saying that, because again, I had every reason to like you for your good People’s Court work, but I’m sick of what you do and I’m now going to do “a little rough justice” and take out my resentment of you on Marilyn, Douglas and Curt by boycotting The People’s Court until you leave. That really sucks for me because I enjoy that show so fucking much. Nice work, man.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
PS: Harvey, with the right hat you’d look a lot like Chico Marx. You suck again for ruining another awesome celebrity.