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Joining The Hells Angels

Lately, I’ve been thinking about joining a gang. I jotted down the pros and cons of a few of my gang options and I’ve chosen to set up with a motorcycle gang instead of with a typical street gang. Motorcycle gangs are full of dudes about my age, so we’ll have a lot in common. They’re family oriented, tough, the average guy is probably not going to mess with you, and you don’t have to live in a bad neighborhood or do drive-bys if you don’t want to. And you get a 401k and prepaid dental. Did you know that? I’m sold!


Of the myriad available motorcycle gangs, I decided that the Hells Angels is where it’s at. If I’m going to join a motorcycle gang, I want to join the one with the best brand recognition. Hells Angels is the Coca Cola of motorcycle gangs. The Mongols, I guess, are Pepsi and even though I prefer Pepsi to Coke because it tastes better, I really believe that you either join the most popular gang (Coke) or no gang at all (Pepsi, Shasta, Tab). So I’m going with the Hells Angels (Coke).


But as I was riding down there today to fill out my application paperwork, W-4 and I-9, I pulled over to the shoulder when I realized that there was no way I could join the Hells Angels. Oh believe-you-me, It wasn’t fear! Russ of America is afraid of nothing! But it hit me like a ton of bricks that I couldn’t join the Hells Angels because of the faulty, and grossly ambiguous punctuation in their club’s name. Are they saying that hell *is* angels? What does that mean? That angels are annoying and it’s hell hanging with them? That hell is made of angels? I thought hell was made of sinners. Is the gang saying that the members are angels from multiple hells? Angels from a singular hell? Are they trying to say that of the shitstrom that pours out of hell, that they are better than the rest? Can they really consider themselves 1%ers if that’s the case? And What happens when hell freezes over? Is it a singular hell, or do hells freeze over?


I imagine that the whole club is probably locked in some sort of blood-thirsty theological debate about this very topic. I mean, has the club unwittingly pitted polytheism against monotheism? Is it deliberate? Which theology does the gang support? This confusion really has to affect everyone involved in this gang at the core of their deepest-held beliefs and I would imagine they’re all at odds with one another, back-biting and being disloyal and that’s not very attractive to me.


I’m definitely not a big fan of ambiguity, but bad grammar is a total deal-breaker!


I couldn’t go home empty handed though, so on my way back I joined the Birthday Club at Baskin-Robbins where I know what kind of gangsta treats to expect.



[c] 2008 Russ of America