Hey everybody, someone left two fruit stickers stuck to the kitchen sink. I don’t know which one of you has been eating plums and peaches, but one of you has, and you probably know that it was you. We’d appreciate it if you’d please go back to the kitchen and throw out the fruit stickers. It’ll only take a minute. Thanks.
Hey everybody, if you left a plastic container on the kitchen counter, I’m going to throw it out if you don’t claim it by the end of the day. It looks like it’s been stained with chili or tomato sauce or something, if that helps to jog your memory.
Hey everybody, I forgot to throw out the plastic container yesterday, but really that was your job. You have until noon to claim it or I’m chucking it. It looks like one of the expensive ones. Also, the fruit stickers are still stuck to the sink. If you remember eating fruit any time in the last week, please go to the kitchen and take the bullet for the fruit-eater team by throwing out the stickers. You can cash out your good karma at the next fruit convention.
Hey everybody, if you take the last donut, please throw out the box. It’s not fair for someone to go into the kitchen and expect the last donut or bagel or pretzel or cake slice or whatever and open up the box to find nothing but a dirty knife. Also, please wash the knife when you’re done with it.
Hey everybody, most of the people in the office don’t like it when people take half of single serving of something and then leave the rest. So like if there are cookies in the kitchen and you take half of a cookie and then leave the other half, it upsets other employees when they go to the box of pastries and all there is left is half of a cookie. Same with donuts and bagels and stuff like that. People want a whole serving of whatever it is. They don’t want half of a serving or to find an empty box. Opening the pastry box to find half of a cookie is worse than finding no cookie. With no cookie, people think, “Oh, he forgot. Maybe next time he won’t forget.” With half of a cookie, people think, “That guy is too lazy to throw out the box that he’s gonna cut the last cookie in half just so he doesn’t have to bother.” And then they get incredulous because that person left behind the dirty knife too. If you’re so concerned about your weight that you can’t eat an entire cookie, maybe you should stay away from the cookies, you know? I mean, the difference between a half of a cookie and a whole cookie is negligible, calorie-wise, and all you’re doing is depriving your neighbor of the ability to eat an entire cookie. That’s totally selfish. I’m sorry to come off as so hostile, but it’s just so frustrating that I always get a big disappointment when I go to eat something that’s in the kitchen.
The fruit stickers are still in the kitchen. Any time you want to get rid of them, would be great.
Something died in the refrigerator. I’m doing a fridge clean-out tomorrow at noon. I’m not throwing out the fruit stickers though. I’m going to leave them there until you get sick of them. If you have anything in the fridge that you want to keep, it’d better have your name and date on it by tomorrow at noon.
I’m cleaning out the fridge right now. Last chance to claim your stuff.
Okay, whichever one of you cunts put the garbage that I threw out BACK into the fridge, is a goddamn fucking prick asshole. That’s so fucking nasty!! I can’t even comprehend how you could have touched that with your bare fucking hands. When I threw out that old orange chicken from Lu’s it was covered in fucking liquid fungus. Why the fuck did you put that shit back in there? I swear to fucking Christ, I have no fucking idea how your infantile dick-head minds work. You’re being totally disrespectful of everybody around you, you’re perpetuating a filthy work and living condition, you’re propagating germs and sickness, and you are condoning and encouraging some real anti-social behaviors. How the hell do you maladjusted, pedestrian jerkoffs function in contemporary society? I have no idea how you can be allowed to exist and I am completely and totally sick of working with you goddamn pig motherfuckers.
Hey everybody, I just found out that today is going to be my last day, so I just wanted to say goodbye. I threw out the fruit stickers. If you want to keep in touch, um, feel free to MySpace me. It’s been fun working with such a great group of people and I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.
[c] 2008 Russ of America