8)
Winter’s coming, and you know what that means, don’t you genius? It means that it’s gonna get cold. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself for not having known that winter = cold.
This year, instead of being a Greedy Gus** and wasting precious coal and gas and oil and electricity to heat your ridiculously huge McMansion or whatever tiny shithole you live in, why not just suck it up and … Click Here to Read On! …
7)
Getting water to major metropolitan areas such as Los Angeles is no joke. It requires a big, old, failing infrastructure, pushed to its limits with the influx of new dreamy-eyed residents into Southern California each year. To make matters worse, SoCal wants to be a desert. That’s its natural state. So it’s no surprise that residents are experiencing the panic and discomfort of its perpetual drought. Naturally, our state leaders wait until June to amp up awareness and pepper the airwaves with water conservation PSAs in a futile hope that people will realize how serious our annual water shortage is and then cooperate. Of course, by June it’s … Click Here to Read On! …
Dear GM and Other Dying American Auto Companies,
I know you didn’t hire me, but this is a freebie. KNX1070 recently broadcast that GM offered a shit ton of stock to the government in exchange for picking up the tab on half of your debt while you guys restructure. I balance this latest news against decades of bad news stories surrounding your company: Plant closures, auto-worker strikes, etc. My age long impression of GM is that it is constantly struggling to survive and keep its employees employed, almost for the sake of keeping them employed. What the hell would the government want with an epic fail car company?
I’m neither an economist nor a auto-enthusiast. I’m a consumer and a humor writer, and my only two qualifications to write this is that I’m literate and that I made a conscious choice a few years back to NOT buy a GM product. So here are my recommendations to you GM, and in fact to ALL American automobile companies in a similar boat, and I guess to the US Government who may or may not soon be half partners with Godawful Mess. So let’s start with the idea that you are able to land your favored deals with the government for bailout. Now what?
* Cut the bloat! A bad economy should encourage competitive labor. Salary caps for brain-dead jobs regardless of the … Click Here to Read On! …
5)
Don’t eat like a slob and you won’t use as many napkins.
Use your fork to put food IN your mouth instead of just mashing it into the general vicinity. When you stop eating by the handful, that’s when the real impact to paper napkins is seen.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
Hello!
My name is Russ of America and I run the 400% More Jackoff Magic humor blog. You may have heard of me from such blogs as this one. I’ve been doing a little research on my blog statistics recently, (a self-indulgent marketing activity practiced by most bloggers,) and I noticed some trends in the kinds of queries people are entering into search engines. To be more helpful to my visitors, and to potentially encourage them to read more of the crass, puerile, sardonic, pseudo-intellectual humor I’ve written on this site, I thought I might invest a few moments to address some of your interests.
Here are some of the top search queries and my helpful responses.
Q: smoke pot and jack off
R: You probably could, depending on the laws in your area, but many cities aren’t as pot-friendly as others, and masturbating while smoking marijuana could pose a fire hazard. If you are going to engage in this kind of risky behavior, it’s important that you exercise some basic fire safety precautions. Keep a fireproof ashtray handy, be sure that you have an emergency escape plan, and be sure that your fire extinguisher is functional and fully charged. Use the buddy system, and don’t be caught unprepared.
Q: the best jack off method
R: It’s a matter of personal preference, but if I were you, I’d invest in an inversion table or similar jackoff aid. It’s difficult to explain, but there’s something about inverting your balls that can really pump out about 35% more pleasure units during your jackoff. Of course you need to check with your doctor before beginning any new jackoff regimen, and be sure that she deems you fit enough to use an inversion table. While at the doctor’s office you may want to double-check that you’re not suffering from cryptorchidism or retractile testicle as these can affect jackoff pleasure.
Q: how to jack off more than once
R: After you jack off, jack off again.
Q: i jack off a lot
R: That’s not a question. You’re bragging.
Q: what is the perfect way to jack off
R: It depends on what you are into. Do you like candles? Soft music? Techno? Montel Williams? Watching Tombstone? There are no rules or limits. Just strap yourself into the inversion table, jerk that pistol and go to work. You know, skin that smoke wagon and see what happens. Obviously I prefer Tombstone.
Q: jack off sock
R: That’s a totally legitimate and environmentally aware method, for sure. It’s certainly a more green approach than using disposable tissue after each emission. You could also make a Fifi or Fifi Bag, but unless you reuse or re-purpose the latex glove, there is no improvement to the environment.
Q: jackoff tips
R: Here are some good tips: Lock the door. Make sure nobody’s around. Be comfortable with your body. Do what feels good without inflicting your beliefs on others. Don’t break the law. Maintain a neutral pH. Stay away from rubber bands. Keep it moist.
Q: jackoff in toilet
R: It’s possible. Many people try this, but ultimately get bored of it as it’s not a very comfortable position. If you do this, try to avoid wasting water unless it is necessary to protect your privacy.
Q: old guy jackoff
R: He might, but not as often as he used to.
Q: nadya suleman toes
R: As a taxpayer who is helping to [cough cough] foot the bill for her fourteen children, your query is offensive to me.
Okay, if I’ve helped you out in any way, I’d appreciate if you’d tell your friends about my site and visit often. Create an account, login, participate.
Your pal of America.
DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved and completely natural activities.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
I admit:
I feel a little concerned that driving to work every day means that we have to be at war with the Middle East.
I won’t lie. I feel a little funny about that.
Odd, almost.
A tinge culpable.
Slight leanings toward responsible.
I think I might even be feeling marginally involved.
A shame, really. People dying.
I drive a Hummer; I’m trying to make a difference.
[c] 2006 Russ of America
