Tag Archive for crime

Awkward Street Crossin’s

When I walk down the street late at night, which is quite frequently, I often spy someone walking towards me just a few dozen yards away. Usually that person will cross the street to avoid walking past me on that dark street. I can understand why they do that, because it’s scary at night and the news says that you can’t trust a stranger, and I’m definitely a stranger, but that fearful attitude really pisses me off! So I’ll cross the street at the same time they do, just so we’re still walking toward each other again. This makes them uncomfortable, so they’ll turn around and walk in the other direction. But that just encourages me to walk faster so I can catch up with that person! Silly-billy! I mean, hey, you’re an interesting person, right? And you’re walking away from me? That’s weird. Anyway, I’ll cough in an obvious way just to get their attention, so they know that I’m behind them and closing in.

 

I can usually tell when it’ll happen because I’ll see his or her head turn around and look at me with a touch of concern, but within a few tense moments of my arrival, the person will Read more

Graffiti Bitch Oner

Have you ever been a tagger’s victim? Has your property ever been used as a canvas for your nation’s troubled urban canned-paint scribes?

 

Does it infuriate you? Haven’t you ever wanted to get some spraypaint and Read more

Manzanita Gold

This is a gun. Criminals have guns. So do heroes. This gun belongs to a hero.

 

 

This man is a hero. He helps keep thing safe. To help him keep things safe, he Read more

BatUnicorn!

I’m not sure what to do with this, buuuut…

 

 

I drew it to entertain my Valley gals Lindsay and Enika. :)

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

The Base Pipe

When I’ve been dating a girl for a while and it develops that she’s been smoking rock cocaine I think that maybe I would really have to think about parting ways with her.

 

I’d think about it, but it’s tough, you know?

 

It’s tough when someone you love starts smoking on the base pipe. The base pipe is the worst pipe. Lead pipe is pretty bad pipe, but base pipe is worst pipe.

 

The Crack Rock ain’t no joke and so I’d probably want to sit her down and talk to her about her problem. I promised my Drug Abuse Resistance Education officer I would at least do that.

 

Boy, isn’t it a bitch the way the world works? It’s just not fair.

 

You finally meet someone who’ll put up with you for more than an hour… And she’s gentle and she’s fun to drink lager with and her sweat tastes like honey… and her flatulence smells like vanilla and she knows how to balance a checkbook.

 

And by the way, she smokes the rock cocaine drugs.

 

I’d really consider talking to her about maybe stopping or else we might have to part ways.

 

“I don’t understand why are you breaking up with me?”
“I think it is important to re-evaluate what’s going on between you and me.”
“What do you mean? Why?”
“It has come to my attention that you’re doing something that I’m not really cool with.”
“What did I do? What am I doing that you’re not cool with?”
“[sigh. . .] I saw you doing something that is against the law.”
“What? Will you please tell me? What am I doing?”
“I saw you smoke the rock.”
“What rock?”
“Whattayathink I’m talking about? Pop Rocks? You’re smoking the rock!!”
“What rock?”
“The goddamn crack cocaine rock! The Base Rock! You ever heard people say, ‘What’s the matter with you? Are you smoking the rock?’ Well, they’re talking about you!! People who smoke the rocks of crack cocaine!
“I don’t understand.”
“Of course you don’t understand – you’re high on the cocaine rocks!”
“Okay, look, in the interest of advancing this dialogue, I will admit to smoking the rocks. But you do illegal things too!”
“Like what?!”
“Speeding. Jaywalking. You cheated on your taxes. . .”
“What the fuck are you — YES! Okay, but I’m not on The Rocks! I’m not freebasing the rock cocaine. Right? The government would prefer that I was fucking around a little bit on my taxes than smoking coca drugs. And jaywalking? Jaywalking doesn’t kill babies! Look, you violated a basic trust mechanism. You violated it. We have an agreement — it’s not a WRITTEN agreement, but it’s an implied social contract that there will be no lying, no cheating, no stealing, hurting or killing… and, you DON’T SMOKE COCAINE!”
“When did you become such a fucking square? You smoked pot for fifteen years.”
“Pot and cocaine are two COMPLETELY different beasts. Fifteen years of pot doesn’t even approach a single four-day binge on The Pipe. Does it? In fifteen years of smoking pot I never once broke into someone’s home in order to feed my habit.”
“It was a garage.”
“What?”
“I didn’t break into a house, I broke into a garage.”
“What the fuck — That’s beside the point. Are you really arguing that there’s a material difference between breaking into a house to steal shit so you can sell it and get high, and breaking into a house?”
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
“It’s the same fucking thing! Look, I’m just saying that by dating you I’d be initiating the beginning of my own downward spiral. Believe me, I wish I could change the rules, but my hands are tied here. Effective immediately this relationship is in dissolution.”

 

Yeah, if my old lady was sucking that glass dick, believe me, buddy, I’d totally have to take a stand, do the healthy thing and sever the cord, you know?

 

But goddammit… she knows how to balance a checkbook.

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America

Holy Water

Can a person steal Holy Water? Does the holiness stop once you steal it, or does it stay holy? Is it on a case-by-case basis? What if there were a legion of vampires (or Goths) outside of your house and you had to do something and fast! You grab a Tupperware and sneak out of your house, racing through your backyard. You hop the cinder block wall into your neighbors yard and dash to the street. There you make a right and haul ass until you get to the neighborhood Catholic church. You pound on the door but nobody answers. You pound and you pound but nobody answers. Your house is swarming with vampires (or Goths,) your children are being attracted to all that black clothing and velvet and you need some fucking Holy Water right away or else!

 

A religious-type, you cross yourself and ask The Lord to forgive you for what you are going to do. You scurry to the window and kick out one of the panes and you shimmy in. You dash to the Holy Water reservoir and snake yourself a Tupperware of water. You carefully climb back through the window and sprint home.

 

In the name of The Lord you smite each unholy demon, sending them back to the world of the undead (for Goths: Hot Topic,) and you and your lily-white Christian family live happily for the end of time, or until you die of cancer.

 

STUDY QUESTIONS

    1) Are you allowed to make ice cubes with Holy Water?

     

    2) What would happen if you filled a water balloon with Holy Water and then threw it at somebody? Maybe if they were a goblin they’d die. But if they were a Holy Spirit youd be in trouble! Yes?

     

    3) If someone left a puddle of Holy Water on the stairs and you slipped and fell, would that be God’s will or could your family sue the guy?

     

    4) Can you store your contact lenses in Holy Water?

     

    5) If you give yourself an enema, will you take a Holy Shit?

 

 

[c] 2006 Russ of America