Tag Archive for cypress hill

Ultimate Reality Show Pitch: MACHO MAN

Here’s my pitch for the ultimate reality show: MACHO MAN

 

LAND
* A few dozen guys are thrown into the North American wilderness. Somewhere in the Yukon, I’d guess.
* Their first challenge will be to grow a mustache, like the old Brawny paper towel man. It’s got to be a good gay disco mustache or they’re tossed off of the show. “Anytime, Sal!”
* Surviving on their wits, their ability to eat bugs and rotting carcasses, to fish, build shelter, light fires and make weapons, they must try to not die in the forest. If they have to cuddle with each other to stay warm, so be it.
* If lucky, they will travel from the Yukon to the heart of Alaska where, if their skills of navigation have prevailed, they will arrive at our first checkpoint. Here the macho candidates will fell ten old-growth trees and prepare them for removal from the forest. Ah, but it’s old-sk00l felling! Axes and traditional saws — no power tools. They’ll definitely have to work together as lovers if they want to clear the forest.
* Those who don’t die from the tree felling will continue their trek until they reach our second challenge: To raise and train Read more

Four Reasons To Legalize Pot

In 1943 legendary jazz drummer Gene Krupa was accused and convicted of some rinky-dink pot possession charge. This marijuana charge stuck with him for the remainder of his life and, to some degree, forever tarnished his reputation.

 

Now, I want you to watch the following four videos. Let’s assume that Krupa was high as shit on marijuana drugs when Read more

WTF?!: Cheap Leather Hats

I’m on a Ridiculous Direct-Mail Advertisement kick lately. Here’s an ad I received several weeks back. I”m thankful that I had the foresight to scan it.

 

 

There’s a lot to discuss here. Would you be caught dead wearing a shiny plastic-looking leather bucket hat? If you’re going for that early 80s hip-hop b-boy flavor, you’re not going to get it from this hat. You’re just going to look like a cheap-ass who couldn’t afford a real Kangol. Sen Dog from Cypress Hill you ain’t gonna be, wearing this thing, knowwhu’msayin’?

 

Nextly, I’m not a fashion maven by any stretch of the imagination, but I have never seen a leather baseball cap that did NOT look like shit. I mean, if you want to give the impression that you’re a Janet Jackson Rhythm Nation expatriate, you’re certainly welcome to, but in 2009 it’s a little, uh, how-you-say, “dated”. And why not emigrate back to the Rhythm Nation if you miss it so much? I know, you often hear the “why don’t you move back” argument from those self-righteous shit-kickers in fly-over states, but I really think that illegal Rhythm Nation immigration is a cause the entire country can get behind. Move along, sonny.

 

The wide-brimmed black leather hat is just not a bright idea. If your plan is to don a black leather hat to protect yourself from the sun, you might want a refresher course in 7th grade science. Black attracts heat, and buying this hat (even if it has a breathable polyester liner) is just asking for a neck full of dripping sweat, possibly tinted black from possibly cheap leather dye. (DISCLOSURE: This is an unsubstantiated assumption based on prior experience with cheap leather boots.) Maybe that’s why that poor young man in the ad look so miserable. He realizes how stupid he looks — like a bargain bin, lummox Crocodile Dundee. I’d look sad too if I were him. I’m sure he’s an awesome guy, just caught up in a really bad leather hat and jean-shirt scene.

 

That leather driving cap is just god-awful. I’ve hated those hats for decades and I think that Robert DeNiro is the only guy who can really pull them off. I promise that I have nothing against the blue-collar man. Cab drivers, limousine drivers are all functional members of our society. I just don’t think that I need to look like a cab or limo driver as part of some contrived fashion statement force-fed to me through direct mail, somewhere in between the Albertson’s and Ralphs coupons.

 

Two hats for twenty bucks? I guess the price point isn’t too bad, so if I were forced to pick two, which would I get? I’d probably buy the bucket hats. I could stick a couple of houseplants in them or something. At least they’re crush proof. Did you hear me? Crush *PROOF* That means they are impervious to being crushed. If you attempt to crush these hats, you will fail miserably because they CANNOT BE CRUSHED!

 

Well, folks at Direct Source Inc, I’m sure that I can’t go wrong by buying these hats because you assure my satisfaction, and I will likely be ordering a half dozen bucket hats for my garden in the next few days.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Substance Abuse

There’s a difference between substance use and substance abuse.

 

Substance use is when a responsible psychonaut sporadically and delicately takes advantage of the positive qualities of a substance in order to derive personal satisfaction.

 

Substance abuse is when you do like I do with my favorite substance, carbon. Yes, you read that correctly; I am a carbon abuser. I go to town! I can’t be stopped. I throw a handful of graphite into my color-changing multi-chamber water pipe, flame it up with my Calibri pocket torch and hit that shit like I’m Cypress Hill of element 6.

 

I’ve also smoked 2, 20 and 80, but they only gave me two headaches and severe blood poisoning, so I’m pretty cool sticking to 6.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America