Tag Archive for diarrhea

Diarrhea At Starbucks

Yesterday I wrote a piece called “I’m A Douche At Starbucks“. I penned it to mock two things: 1) My first time sitting at Starbucks in front of a laptop acting like a stereotypical Starbucks laptop douche, and 2) people who, on a regular basis, do what I did yesterday, and who go above and beyond normal douchery by incorporating Bluetooths (Blueteeth?) and other increasingly pretentious icons of self-importance. I’m certainly on the path to number two.

 

And speaking of number two…. (best segue ever…) while I was typing that blog post, something else was Read more

Too Much Information!

“I pooped. It was diarrhea. Hahaha. Now you’re thinking about my loose stools. My loose stools sitting at the bottom of the toilet. I can’t flush them; The water’s out. Hahaha. Now you’re thinking about how my loose stools are sitting at the bottom of my toilet bowl and I can’t flush! Hahaha. And you’re probably wondering if I paid the water bill. Hahaha. The fragrance of my liquid poop permeates the air. Hahaha. You’re imagining smelling it. Hahaha. It stinks. It stinks and you’re thinking about them: My stools. My smelly wet stools wot are at the bottom of the toilet bowl stinking away. Hahaha. Happy Thanksgiving!”
“TMI!”
“What?”
“T.M.I.!”
“What the fuck is that?”
“Too Much Information!”
“Why are you saying that?”
“Because you’re talking about your poops.”
“So what?”
“So that’s too much information.”
“Too much information for who?”
“For everybody.”
“Oh grow up.”
“Seriously!”
“What are you, a douche?”
“No, I’m not a douche.”
“Well, then fuck everybody.”
“Well if everybody was here they’d tell you that it’s TMI.”
“And since when did I listen to or do what Everybody tells me to do?”
“Uh, I dunno.”
“Right. Since never. So FUCK what they think. Why do they say that to you?”
“Because whenever I talk about something weird like my butt or my sex life or my poops, people at work or school or home or public put up their hand dismissively and say, ‘TMI!’ ”
“Do you like it when they do that?”
“No.”
“So why are you doing it?”
“I dunno.”
“Because you’re a follower?”
“Whattayamean a follower? I’m not a follower, I’m an individual.”
“So why are you saying TMI?”
“Because everyone else does.”
“Okay, so you’re an individual who does what everyone else does.”
“Right.”
“TMI!”

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America