Tag Archive for doric columns

Doric Columns

One Saturday at Home Depot:
JOE: Honey, what’s that you’re leaning on?
STELLA: It appears to be a small Doric column.
JOE: Wow, you look so good leaning on that Doric column that I’m going to take a photo of you.
STELLA: You’re so sentimental!
[photo snaps]


STELLA: And these are our photos from our trip to the Home Depot gardening center.
PEARL: Oh that miniature citrus tree is gorgeous! What are you leaning against?
STELLA: I think it’s a Doric column.
PEARL: Oh my, you look so darling leaning against it!
STELLA: Thanks hun. Do you want some more pound cake?


PEARL: So I was over at Stella’s yesterday and she had this cute photo of her leaning against a Doric column.
SALLY: Oh I LOVE that photo!
PEARL: Oh, you’ve seen it?
SALLY: Oh sure, it’s gorgeous! I think they should get the photo blown up and framed for the hallway, and keep a matching photo in a small silver frame on top of the piano.
PEARL: Does Stella play the piano?
SALLY: No, but they have one anyway.


SALLY: So Pearl was visiting with Stella and she reminded me of this really cute photo Stella has.
MRS. KIM: Is Stella still selling Amway?
SALLY: Not anymore. She stopped last September after her Maltese was shot. Anyway, Stella’s hubby Joe took a really cute photo of Stella next to a Doric column.
MRS. KIM: Doric column?
SALLY: Yeah, you know, there are three classic column styles of the old world: Doric, Ionic and Corinthian.
MRS. KIM: I know that, I used to teach architecture at Yale. I just didn’t hear you.


MRS. KIM: Hey honey, how was your day?
MR. KIM: Fuckin’ sucked, man. I’m tired of driving that stupid fucking bus. I’ll never get anywhere if I’m working for someone else all my life. I’ve got the entrepreneurial spirit and I should be my own boss.
MRS. KIM: I agree. You’re so talented.
MR. KIM: I’ve been thinking about opening a booth at the swap meet.
MRS. KIM: What would you sell?
MR. KIM: I’m not sure. Plants? Shoelaces? Belts? Wallets? Discount t-shirts? Birds?
MRS. KIM: What about a service?
MR. KIM: What kind of service?
MRS. KIM: I dunno. Jewelry repair. Clothing alterations. Photography.
MR. KIM: Ah, photography! I used to be the president of the photo club in High School, you know.
MRS. KIM: Yeah, we went to the same high school, remember?
MR. KIM: We did? That’s weird. But what would I photograph?
MRS. KIM: Well, you could get some backdrops of fancy places and people could pose in front of them. You know, for yearbooks and stuff.
MR. KIM: That does sound pretty keen. The kind of people who shop at swap meets have probably never been anywhere.
MRS. KIM: One of my friends, Sally, was telling me that her friend Pearl reminded her that the husband of her friend Stella, took a really cute photo of her leaning against a Doric column.
MR. KIM: A Doric column?
MRS. KIM: Yeah, one of the three classic column styles of the old world.
MR. KIM: I know what a fucking Doric column is; I read your architecture magazines when I’m on the shitter!


VERONICA: How much for the 8×10?
MR. KIM: Well, we have the 8×10 plus two 5×7s and sixteen wallets for ten bucks.
VERONICA: [Mch!] Okay, but how much for just the 8×10.
MR. KIM: Uh, well, we don’t sell just the 8×10.
VERONICA: Look, the customer is always right, eh? I just want the 8×10, so you should be able to sell me just the 8×10! [Mch!]
MR. KIM: There’s no need to get hostile, I’m just saying that we don’t have a per-picture price. But I guess for an extra five bucks I could throw out the 5×7s and the sixteen wallets.
VERONICA: [Mch!] Okay pues. That’s better! You should learn some manners! I’ll get that one.


MR. KIM: Shit, I’ve got the most severe soft focus filters on this fucking camera and you’re still too ugly for film!
VERONICA: What did you say?!
MR. KIM: Uhh, I said you’re so pretty that the camera is having trouble capturing all of your beauty.
VERONICA: Okay pues. Hurry up! [Mch!]
MR. KIM: Fugly bitch.


VERONICALIGURL2SWEET: “I’m a sweet-sexy BBW. Ive got lot’s of curves and love to have a good time with the right man as long as your no players or flake’s or games!?!”


BIGPIMPDAD2884701: “hey girl iseen your profile yur is so cute and sexy love the curves just got out of the joint lets’ get to you know you love 2 have a good time with the right girl and ur looking good so hit me up and say whut up and we see how players pimp big daddy out of control – ps i love that photo ofyou with the column whut iz dat, Doric?”



[c] 2008 Russ of America

Chola Photography

If you and I were boyfriend-girlfriend, on our two month anniversary I think it would be pretty hot if I drove us to one of those swap-meet photographers who specialize in photographing cholas so we could have our picture taken together.


Do you know which ones I’m talking about? They’re shot through six layers of cheesecloth and Vaseline so that you can’t make out anybody’s facial features and everybody radiates an ethereal, white Kirlian aura.


Sometimes the homegirls are leanin’ all sexy on an doric column with a fake window or some air-brushed background behind her… flowers in her hair, pouty mouth — posing stomach-down on a bear-skin rug or some shit.


I really believe in enduring symbols of love and chola photography is the way I can best express my fondness for and commitment to you.



[c] 2006 Russ of America