Yesterday I wrote a piece called “I’m A Douche At Starbucks“. I penned it to mock two things: 1) My first time sitting at Starbucks in front of a laptop acting like a stereotypical Starbucks laptop douche, and 2) people who, on a regular basis, do what I did yesterday, and who go above and beyond normal douchery by incorporating Bluetooths (Blueteeth?) and other increasingly pretentious icons of self-importance. I’m certainly on the path to number two.
And speaking of number two…. (best segue ever…) while I was typing that blog post, something else was Read more
Look at me! I’m hot shit. I’m in a Starbucks on my laptop, trying to look interesting. Hmm. Where’s my Bluetooth earpiece? I don’t think I’m looking quite douchy enough. I’ll put that in my ear so the flashing light draws attention to me. Also I’ll place my phone on the table so everyone can see it. It’s red. Should be easy to see. And I’ve set a countdown alarm to go off in 15 minutes. In exactly 14:52 everybody will look in my direction and I’ll be all like, “Oops, let me turn that off for you, sorry. Hahaha.” And then I’ll set it to go off again in 15 mins.
All out of coffee! I should create a spectacle about how I need more. “Man, I’m all out of coffee,” I say to the nice lady next to me. She smiles uncomfortably. “Guess I’d better get some more…” She knows that I’m right. The flashing light of the Bluetooth hypnotizes her. “Is the flashing light of my Bluetooth bothering you,” I ask politely. She shakes her head no. She’s not allowed to speak because then I’d have to pay her as an actor instead of as an extra. I think she’s lying anyway. The light on the Bluetooth is pretty bright. I swapped out the old light for a 5 watt Cree LED and upped the strobe rate to about 20-25 Hz. Aimed my ear right at her eye, too. Trying to invoke an epileptic fit. How ya like me now?!
“I pooped. It was diarrhea. Hahaha. Now you’re thinking about my loose stools. My loose stools sitting at the bottom of the toilet. I can’t flush them; The water’s out. Hahaha. Now you’re thinking about how my loose stools are sitting at the bottom of my toilet bowl and I can’t flush! Hahaha. And you’re probably wondering if I paid the water bill. Hahaha. The fragrance of my liquid poop permeates the air. Hahaha. You’re imagining smelling it. Hahaha. It stinks. It stinks and you’re thinking about them: My stools. My smelly wet stools wot are at the bottom of the toilet bowl stinking away. Hahaha. Happy Thanksgiving!”
“What the fuck is that?”
“Too Much Information!”
“Why are you saying that?”
“Because you’re talking about your poops.”
“So that’s too much information.”
“Too much information for who?”
“Oh grow up.”
“What are you, a douche?”
“No, I’m not a douche.”
“Well, then fuck everybody.”
“Well if everybody was here they’d tell you that it’s TMI.”
“And since when did I listen to or do what Everybody tells me to do?”
“Uh, I dunno.”
“Right. Since never. So FUCK what they think. Why do they say that to you?”
“Because whenever I talk about something weird like my butt or my sex life or my poops, people at work or school or home or public put up their hand dismissively and say, ‘TMI!’ ”
“Do you like it when they do that?”
“So why are you doing it?”
“Because you’re a follower?”
“Whattayamean a follower? I’m not a follower, I’m an individual.”
“So why are you saying TMI?”
“Because everyone else does.”
“Okay, so you’re an individual who does what everyone else does.”
When I’ve been drinking late at night, maybe I shouldn’t check my work email. It’s probably not a good idea. In this case, the results are okay because Simon can’t hear me slur my speech in email. But I can totally see the potential for creating an uncomfortable situation, especially if I were to tell Tomassi how special he is and how much he means to me. [hiccup!]
From: Russ of America
Sent: Thu 2/28/2008 10:48 PM
Subject: RE: Copier 51007 – Aficio 1060
Simon, A gentleman’s letter:
When my friends are instructed to order copier supplies and the supplies don’t show up, it makes them look stupid and ineffectual in the eyes of their supervisors, who, in the grand tradition of corporate America, often assume the worst of their human endeavors. These are people that I genuinely like and it pains me to conceive of the possibility that that every few weeks these good people might be forced to endure an uncomfortable conversation with oft-times unreasonable Dilbert-esque superiors. If there is something inherent to the way Ricoh is structured such that it’s not capable of providing us with adequate service and supplies, such as being downsized to the point where they are bursting at the seams, and that it is not worth our effort to continue doing business with Ricoh, I wish that you would tell me frankly and honestly. The idea that we would seek a third-party vendor is unsavory to me because I want the best service possible and I regularly operate on the assumption that Ricoh knows Ricoh machines best, Xerox knows Xerox, Minolta knows Minolta, etc.
Thus far, our experience with Ricoh has been dismal and even the most convincingly earnest emails and phone calls from Ricoh reps don’t manifest the results we need. I don’t think that we’re asking for above-and-beyond service; We’re asking for satisfactory service. As a gentleman and a man of honor, what would you recommend that we do?
From: Russ of America
Sent: Thursday, February 28, 2008 10:49 PM
Subject: FW: Copier 51007 – Aficio 1060
I’m sorry that The Boss is always coming down on you.