In the future a douchebag family will name their kid Tyler-Connor Hunter-Dylan.
A fun game I play: When I’m in a very crowded place with lots of families (Disneyland and such) I like to randomly shout out “Tyler!” “Connor!” “Hunter!” or “Dylan!” just to see how many people turn to look, thinking that I’m calling them.
Yesterday I wrote a piece called “I’m A Douche At Starbucks“. I penned it to mock two things: 1) My first time sitting at Starbucks in front of a laptop acting like a stereotypical Starbucks laptop douche, and 2) people who, on a regular basis, do what I did yesterday, and who go above and beyond normal douchery by incorporating Bluetooths (Blueteeth?) and other increasingly pretentious icons of self-importance. I’m certainly on the path to number two.
And speaking of number two…. (best segue ever…) while I was typing that blog post, something else was Read more
Look at me! I’m hot shit. I’m in a Starbucks on my laptop, trying to look interesting. Hmm. Where’s my Bluetooth earpiece? I don’t think I’m looking quite douchy enough. I’ll put that in my ear so the flashing light draws attention to me. Also I’ll place my phone on the table so everyone can see it. It’s red. Should be easy to see. And I’ve set a countdown alarm to go off in 15 minutes. In exactly 14:52 everybody will look in my direction and I’ll be all like, “Oops, let me turn that off for you, sorry. Hahaha.” And then I’ll set it to go off again in 15 mins.
All out of coffee! I should create a spectacle about how I need more. “Man, I’m all out of coffee,” I say to the nice lady next to me. She smiles uncomfortably. “Guess I’d better get some more…” She knows that I’m right. The flashing light of the Bluetooth hypnotizes her. “Is the flashing light of my Bluetooth bothering you,” I ask politely. She shakes her head no. She’s not allowed to speak because then I’d have to pay her as an actor instead of as an extra. I think she’s lying anyway. The light on the Bluetooth is pretty bright. I swapped out the old light for a 5 watt Cree LED and upped the strobe rate to about 20-25 Hz. Aimed my ear right at her eye, too. Trying to invoke an epileptic fit. How ya like me now?!