This might seem like a no-brainer, but it’s enough of a brainer that I’ve seen hundreds of people fucking this up time and again over the course of my short, but rich life.
If you have a big plan for the future, immediate or otherwise, shut the fuck up about about your big plan until your plan is in some phase of action. And I’m not talking about a phase of action that begins with the word Read more
This is Russ of America, Pharaoh of California, speaking to you, my dear citizens of California. Or potentially to you, my dear potential visitors of California.
I’m always thinking of new ways to serve this state, the best state out of all of the states in the United States of American states. I’ve noticed a trend over the last few decades — California has become needlessly congested. Gridlocked traffic on the freeway at 1 o’clock in the morning is inexcusable! The other day I was watching a rerun of the 1970s television program CHiPs and I noticed that Ponch and Jon only had to deal with, like, 8 cars on the entire freeway at any given time. But today, our freeways are clogged virtually every moment of the day. As a result: California is now forced to institute a Read more
If you ever have a dream where you’re entering a restroom, I’m telling ya, this is an official admonishment: DO NOT GO INTO THE RESTROOM, because I guarantee that you’ll wake up soaked in piss. I can’t stress this enough if you sleep with another human being in your bed. DON’T GO IN! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!
I’m pretty sure that you are reading my blog. I was drinking Turkish coffee this morning and was reading the coffee grounds at the bottom of the cup per usual when I divined an image of you along with a shape resembling a percent sign. From these facts I understood it to be true that you or your assistants are actively reading the 400% More Jackoff Magic blog, and I thank you for your attention. Sylvia, I have the grave misfortune of predicting that you will die a horrible, natural death. Please allow me to explain.
I wanted to write to you to apprise of you of a vision that I had about you last night. First however, I want to mention my credentials. I’ve consider myself a medium for thirty or so years or so, with talents god-given to me by the grace of the Lord and blessed by two Roman Catholic bishops, six priests and a chocolate Easter bunny. One of my earlier experiences in divination occurred when I was a little boy. A friend of mine, Francisquito, had a dog who disappeared one day. The dog’s name was Adobo. We used to call him Francisquito (the boy, not the dog, because the dog was named Adobo) or Little Francis (the boy) because Francisquito was tiny. Francisquito wasn’t any larger than one of those plastic Swiss Army Knives they have as window displays in knife stores. Francisquito looked all over the neighborhood for Adobo but to no success. His family canvassed the neighborhood with fliers all day and went door-to-door and wrangled all of the kids and able-bodied adults to look for the dog. After an exhausting day I fell asleep and had a dream that Francisquito was looking for his dog. I was picking up a wooden image. I couldn’t tell initially what it was, but I knew that there was wood involved. And cloth. I was seeing something of cloth attached directly to the wooden thing. I saw that Francisquito found his dog underneath this wooden structure. I remember being very confused about this structure in my dream and I told myself in my dream to look closer and closer until I could really make out what it was, because otherwise what good would that information be? As I got closer I could see very clearly that Adobo was sleeping underneath a bed (wooden frame, covered in cloth,) and on top of the bed was a colorful printed sheet and comforter. There were a lot of greens and whites. I swear it was one of the most vivid dreams I ever remember having. Anyway, as soon as I woke up the next morning I ran to tell my mother about my dream and she poo-poohed me. I told her again, but she waved me off until the third time when I finally convinced her to peel back my Green Lantern sheets and to look under my bed, and there was the dog Adobo, asleep. Francisquito was so happy to have him back, and I thought his family would give me a reward and that Francisquito and I would be really good friends, but we didn’t talk very much after that day.
On September 10th, 2001 I predicted the 9/11 attack, but I misinterpreted the date it was going to happen as 11/9, and I figured that I would start making warning phone calls sometime in early October. Well obviously when I woke up the next day I didn’t have to worry about making any phone calls because, well, you know.
Sylvia, I wanted to tell you about a vision of you I had last night when I slept. I don’t call them dreams because in regular dreams people don’t see things that could happen or they don’t get to talk to people who have passed over. They usually have dreams about flying or shopping or work or their high school reunions. I have dreams like that too but they are different from the visions I have. I also have visions when I am awake, so that proves that I’m not just dreaming. Anyway last night when I was asleep after watching an old Montel that I’d TiVo’d, and then after watching Conan O’Brien, I fell asleep and had you in my prayers because although you weren’t on that episode of Montel that I watched, I was thinking of you as I watched it, and I figured that I’d just put out my feelers and see if I could pick up anything that might be going on in your sphere. So I put out my “Soul Antennas”, as psychic Doris Jacobs said to do in her self-published book Dreamnology: The Technology of Dream’n, and I felt something important. Within a few seconds of meditating on you, I got a sense of tightness in my chest. I saw an ugly woman with hair of straw struggling to breathe in a hospital room. I felt as though there was a weight on my chest, kind of like all of the cats in my house sleeping on my chest at once. The weight traveled back to the woman and I could see her laboring under this tightness. The woman had old, lazy hands with tacky acrylics at the ends of her stained-brown fingers. When she spoke, her voice, raspy and coarse, splintered the MDF cabinets in the hospital room. Each time she cried for medication a cabinet disintegrated. In the corner of the room I saw a tall, metal tank of some kind, reminiscent of those that might contain medical oxygen. The tank was scuffed and dirty, with clear tubes running around it, up into her face.
I’m not sure where I’m picking this information up from, but I assure you it’s god-inspired. Sylvia, I am posting this so that you will read it and prepare yourself for the heavenly peace that will follow this horrific tragedy. I really had to meditate on this dream to be sure that my interpretation is accurate, and I’m pretty sure. The dream told me that you, Sylvia Browne, will die of emphysema, complications related to COPD, advanced heart disease or lung cancer. Or possibly something related to the throat or mouth. It’s dark, whatever it is, and it is spreading. That which I have predicted will come true because I believe in it. I’m sorry to have broken this news. It must be difficult to hear, as it was difficult for his parents to hear when you incorrectly described Shawn Hornbeck’s abductor, Opal Jo Jennings’ white slavery, a woman who was “shot” in the chest and the firefighter who drowned in the Twin Towers on 9/11. I hope I can be of assistance to you by providing you with more psychic dreams such as these. I charge $850 for each half-hour of my readings.