Tag Archive for driving

Answers To Your Jackoff Queries 3: The Stupid-Ass Edition

Thankfully, I get a lot of visitors to my site who are looking for all things jackoff-related. Unthankfully, there are a lot of really stupid people out there who are asking really stupid questions and who don’t quite know how a search engine works. I dunno. Anyway, I’m not trying to be a techno-elitist, so here are my favorite recent jackoff queries, with an emphasis on the stupid-ass queries.

 

Q: how to jackoff with g-string
R: Beats the hell out of me. Maybe you wrap it around? Seriously, what are you trying to find out?

 

Q: jackoff tips
R: Are you not having any luck jacking off? I’m not sure how you could fail at the jackoff, but in the interest of fostering an honest academic exchange, Read more

Flashing My Headlights

A decade before I ever drove a car I was taught that if you spot an automobile driving at night with its headlights off, the way to communicate to them that their lights are off, is to turn your lights off and on a couple of times.

 

I’ve been doing this for almost two decades I’d estimate that the other driver corrects their lightless condition a mere 3% of the time. What the hell am I wasting my energy for?

 

So these days, instead of flashing my headlights, I just pray for them to drive into a lightpost. I am a huge fan of ironic justice, and I think that fits the bill just fine.

 

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

UPDATE: 06.23.09 – Tonight, during the darker side of dusk, I saw several people driving with their headlights off. Just for fun I flashed my headlights at two random malefactors. For the first transgressor, I turned my lights off, paused two beats, then turned them back on. No change. The driver continued down the street with his lights off. For the second scrumblehead I flashed the headlights rapidly off-on-off-on-off-on. Nope. They didn’t flick on the headlights. Neither dipshit turned on his lights. Did I actually expect anything different? No! I’ve come to understand that if a person is driving with their headlights off, they’re not paying attention to anything to begin with. They have no clue that their lights or off, or that they’re driving too fast (because their dashboard is completely blacked out) and they’re just roaming through the streets like a jackass zombie. Fine. I get it. This test was meant to confirm or refute my anecdotal hypothesis that they’re just in their own worlds, and that’s exactly what’s going on. No surprise. Good luck when you’re wrapped around that lightpost, fuckwad! Pray pray pray pray pray…

 

The Cops Are Fuckin’ Everywhere!

I was out driving for about an hour today, running errands and such. I must’ve seen four cops pulling people over in various places. Looks like they’re being really pro-active about generating revenue in this shambles economy.

 

If you’re economically disadvantaged, you’d better set your cruise control to 34mph, come to complete stops at lights and signs and use your effing signals ‘cuz otherwise you’re gonna be at an even greater economical disadvantage.

 

I always wondered why traffic tickets aren’t on a sliding scale based on income. Is it equitable that a gardener loses half a week’s pay for blowing a stop light when Halle Berry only has to sacrifice her next designer t-shirt? Do high penalties make poor people better drivers? I used to live in a poorer neighborhood and I never noticed any correlation. I’d like to see the statistics instead of relying solely on anecdote. You know me.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America