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Look man, times are tough. Whether you be old or young, you gotta do what you gotta to do get by, and sometimes it means sacrificing your morals. And by “sometimes” I mean “usually” because morality is fleeting, like good breath. So have you ever thought about sacrificing your morals to sell newspaper subscriptions?
[c] 2009 Russ of America
TO: All @ All
FROM: Russ of America, CFO 400% More Jackoff Magic
SUBJECT: Fiscal Policy Change re: Tipping
Due to the increasingly precarious nature of the economy and significantly reduced revenue streams being seen from Q4 2008 to present, the following policy change will be in effect immediately to help conserve resources vital to the upkeep of our corporation:
1) There will be no more guilt-inspired obligatory tipping at fast food restaurants. Where in the past we might have chucked a buck into a lucite box hand-scrawled with the word “Tips/Propinas” this will occur no longer. This includes in establishments such as the national chain Subway, mom-and-pop Mexican restaurants and the occasional liquor store ballsy enough to request free money. Under what circumstances would we ever tip a liquor store clerk? The dominant reason for this policy shift is to save money, but we also feel that these establishments are free to set their prices at a fair market rate if they feel they are not making enough money. A secondary reason for ignoring the ubiquitous styrofoam tip cup is that tipping doesn’t result in a greater quantity of the product being sold. Subway for example, doesn’t give you extra lettuce if you tip the employee. The mom and pop Mexican restaurant will not give you extra meat in your burrito, or extra patties on your hamburger. Tipping also doesn’t yield a faster service time or guarantee that you will be treated like a champ. So we are ceasing to honor sanctioned begging. Our corporation has been begging people for money for years with no effect, and now it’s time for us to regain control over our disbursements.
2) A more stringent tipping scheme will be employed in dine-in restaurants. Where previously we would tip a minimum of 20% of the total bill to any mediocre server, now we will more cautiously evaluate the server’s DAPASS (Demeanor, Accuracy, Performance, Attentiveness, Speed and Skill) in deciding the tip. We have adjusted the minimum down to 14.9% for a mediocre server, and this amount will be based on the bill SUBTOTAL and not the GRAND TOTAL. Our analytical staff has determined that there is absolutely no reason to include the state sales tax in the tip calculation. Sales tax is a government regulated fee assessed by the state to pay for state services and programs, and a server should not profit from that, especially as there is talk of increasing the California Sales Tax to help offset the state budget deficit.
3) The policy for partronizing bars has been modified as well. Tips will be based on the cost of the beverage, the complexity of beverage being purchased, and also the bartender’s DAPASS. The more expensive the drink is, the less we will tip. A $7 mixed drink will yield a smaller tip than a $4 mixed drink of the same type at a different venue, on the basis that the venue is already grossly overcharging the patron. The complexity of the beverage will also determine the tip. A mixed drink will fetch a higher tip because there is more labor and specialized skill involved. No bartender should expect a buck or more for popping a bottle cap off of a beer bottle. Give me the fucking thing and I’ll open it. If you insist upon doing it yourself, be prepared to smile when we hand you four bits for your trouble. We don’t care if the server is wearing a pair of cutesy little shortie-shorts and a tank top tonight, it’s a bad economy, brother.
Please replace your existing tipping policy chart with this memorandum as this policy is now in effect.
Russ of America, CFO 400% More Jackoff Magic
[c] 2009 Russ of America
The Getty Villa has something that I’ve seen a few dozen times in life: A pool of water with coins in it. I doubt the Getty people put the coins in there. I suppose it’s possible, but I’d guess that it’s a contingent of plebian visitors who are mucking up the pool with coins. My first assumption would have been that the Getty caters to a more selective, cultured audience who might refrain from dumping their pocket change into a classy reflective pool, but having seen the practice with my own two lying eyes, what I’ve known for years has been proven true again: For whatever reason, humans cannot resist throwing coins into a body of water. People usually won’t ditch coins deliberately in the ocean or in lakes, maybe because you lose visual connection after you dump it into the surf, but if you put a pool or a fountain in the middle of a mall or any centralized walking space, especially if you might take a date there, without fail some jackoffs will have thrown handfuls of coins into it. I wonder if it’s the same people who put chewing gum under restaurant tables. Who the fuck is doing that?
The coins-in-pool phenomenon reaffirms my hypothesis that the quickest and surest way for me to achieve my fortune is to create a chain of trendy wishing-wells not unlike Starbucks. I could call it Mybucks, because that’s literally what it would be. Naw, that’s a stupid fucking name. By the time I cut the ribbon I’ll have a way better name because I’ll hire a marketing strategy genius to brand my wishing well as really upper-crust and to convince people that my wishing well chain is the absolute best in the entire world. Creme de la creme. I’d sort of want the Cognac XO analog to wishing wells, whatever that is. A wishing well that inspires loyalty. A wishing well that will make people scoff at the other wishing wells the way they scoff at cheap coffee, cheap cigars or cheap wine. “Sorry man, but I only use Russ of America brand wishing wells, they’re way better than that stupid seagull shit-encrusted wishing well in Marina Del Rey. My cousin is a wishing well expert and he says that the RCoA brand is tops and that I should accept no substitutes on account of I’m a superstitious high roller!” And yes, I’d want to have exclusive contracts with top casinos, hotels, and other venues to install about 200 of my wishing wells all throughout Vegas. Ooh, and in Dubai! I’ll be the Dubai wishing well mogul! I’m not sure if wishing is against the Islamic faith, but you can guarantee that if there are people in Dubai, and a wishing well in Dubai, then Dubai people will put Dubai coins in the wishing well in Dubai, Islam or not. It’s science.
Whomever designs this wishing well would have to make it a real sweet piece of ass. Maybe delicious-looking imported Italian marble or some kind of special fountain that shoots water out of gorgeous robotic chrome nipples. Sexy blue and purple lighting for after hours like a space-age bachelor pad. Maybe some mist and a disco ball. Esquivel playing softly from speakers hidden in fake boulders. I’m not sure. But it’d be a hell of a sight to see whatever it looked like. Shiny, clean, sexy, smooth, sleek and mod. Maybe we’d have a different design theme for each well. Kind of like Fry’s Electronics. Zen, space ships, ancient Egypt, old Holland, verdant Irish knolls, lots of gold trim and frescoes. Like a really classy miniature golf course. There’d probably be a way to pick lottery numbers and special designer cubby holes in which to aim your coins if you wanted to wish for people’s health and other jive like that. But not bullseyes because we don’t want the thing to look like a fuckin’ SkeeBall. And as part of the branding we’d spread some propaganda so that people knew that my chain of wishing wells are extra famous for giving extra good luck, especially if you put extra money into the wishing well. Fuck pennies, you cheap motherfucker! Throw a roll of quarters in there if you want to maybe have your wish come true. Wrap a $20 around a pebble and toss it in. Don’t worry, we have dryers. It’s not very scientific, but if people give money to psychics on the belief that those thieving turds can discern the future by playing solitaire with a spooky deck of cards, I don’t see why that same person wouldn’t give me all of their spare change on the unrealistic expectation that they’d somehow prosper for it. Humans are ridiculously superstitious and they deserve to voluntarily empty their pockets for my benefit, and in this economy (here we go again with that expression…) I don’t mind helping them out.
Brother, can you spare a dime?
[c] 2009 Russ of America
(Gratitudes to my lovely bebbeboo for discovering that nasty weave fountain with me in November 2008)
PS: Yes, I’m aware that the title of this article is grammatically incorrect.
At noon on Sunday, February 12, 2006 Nutty Alvin emailed me about a job ad I’d floated into the Craigslist ether. While I don’t work on Sunday, I shot him a quick email and told him that I’d give him a call sometime on Monday. Within less than 24 hours Alvin phoned me four times, left three voicemail messages and ultimately convinced himself that I was standing him up like a like an ugly girl on prom night. By 11:56am on Monday he’d diagnosed me as mentally ill on the basis that I did not return his calls quickly enough.
I was pretty incredulous so I phoned him back, but I guess he was pouting; Alvin didn’t answer his phone. I left a voicemail to announce that I accepted his withdrawal of candidacy from the position at my company. I taunted him to call me back, but he never did.
Alvin, Nutty Alvin. May you forever bring joy to my readers and to me with the following recording:
<Download> Russ Carney of America – Nutty Alvin.mp3
1:01 (1.41 megabytes)
[c] 2006-2009 Russ Carney of America
How To Score A Free Meal From Granny
[c] 2006 Russ of America