Tag Archive for elderly

The Old Lady At The Gun Store

Instead of hurrying up with her purchase so that *I* could be helped with my purchase of bullets, because I’m all about ME ME ME and was in a real rush to get my hollow-point ammunition, a petite, dotty older lady at the gun store told the clerk a rambling story about how she’s Read more

Clara And Pearl v1

 

Via voicemail, Pearl confides all of her life secrets to Clara, who may or may not care.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

The Liberry

I’ve left the RussCave for a diversion; I’ve gone to the liberry. I haven’t been to the liberry in several years. A few things stand out.

 

The library is not as quiet as it used to be. Phones are ringing, people are chatting with the librarian, the librarian is chatting back. The librarian is scolding some juveniles for futzing around with the 11-and-under computers when they are obviously 12-and-older. She also reprimanded some younger kids for playing around on some equipment they shouldn’t have been screwing with.

 

Librarians, I guess, are not just experts in library skills. They’re caretakers of the homeless, beacons of friendliness to the lonely, the elderly and the mentally challenged, managers of this useful and noble institution, and they are babysitters too. And security guards.

 

I also noticed that after taking the bus and sitting down at a library table, I already feel like I’m coming down with a cold. Blecch!

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

MTA Orange Line Bike Path Dog Shit

A short and sweet refresher course for bike path patrons and specifically for dog owners:

    1) The bike lane is for bicycles.
    2) The pedestrian lane is for walking.
    3) There is no dog shit lane.

Here are two of FOUR examples of dog shit I saw today just in the 1/2 mile between Hazeltine and Woodman:

 

 

People rarely get incensed by this sort of inconsiderate, selfish, rude, hazardous behavior unless they envision the elderly and children coming into contact with it. Fortunately for you, within 30 seconds of my decision to document another example of dog shit on the Orange Line, an elderly man pushing his grandchild in a stroller passed by me, directly in the path of the dog shit hazard. Are you incensed yet?

 

 

Don’t worry, since it was God’s will that these two creatures should be in the dog shit lane at the correct time for me to take the photo and thus make my point, His Greatness spared Grandpa and baby the indignity of stepping/rolling in dog shit. Here, look: (That’s grandpa and baby in the distance.)

 

 

What’s the solution? Signs? People don’t read signs.
Dog shit bags and trash cans? Yeah, like there’s any funding for that.
Ask the police to ticket these assholes? Perhaps, but how? Via surveillance helicopter? Undercover as fake pedestrians?

 

The only solution is that neighborhood mercenaries get together, hide in the sagebrush, leap out to boo the offenders and pelt them with rocks. Spare the dog, she probably hates her owner too. And please remember to pick up the rocks afterward.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America
Extra special thanks to God for his contribution to this article.

Socks Make The Man

Kids can’t wait to be older because they’re convinced that if they can just appear more mature, people will take them seriously and finally listen to them. And let them buy booze. To that end, they’ll do just about anything to appear older and to act older. But it’s getting a little out of hand lately; I’ve begun to see young kids – twelve, thirteen years-old – wearing black socks with shorts. Like an old man. And sometimes with black sandals. What the fuck?!

 

I understand if you want to look older — but look like my grandfather? Really? Nobody’s gonna fall for that, Black-Sock Boy. You’re missing the gray whiskers and the sporadic memory loss. Okay, maybe just the gray whiskers.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Boarding Group One

BOARDING GROUP ONE

 

Why don’t those pre-boarding jerks move faster? Why does it always take so long to get five children, two diabetic elderlies and a cripple onto one plane? Just because they’re all elderly and crippled? Move faster, selfish cripples! If you need some locomotion, let that man’s spaz children push you down the jetway.

 

Ever seen someone try to pre-board and then get shot down when they weren’t qualified? I have. It’s humiliating. Not for me, but for them. They usually don’t know that people are watching, but we are. And I’m big on smirking and putting out some serious, “That’s what you get for trying to get over on someone,” vibes. It’s usually a husband and wife who just got their AARP cards and are testing the system to see what kinds of discounts they can get and whether or not they cut the lines at Disneyland. It’s totally hilarious to see people get shot down for pre-boarding. It’s such a stupid embarrassment to go through and it’s avoidable if you have even the most entry-level sense of dignity. The idea that pre-boarding is the choicest cut of meat, is based on the silly premise that it’s BETTER to get onto a plane first. Huh? Really?

 

Most people don’t qualify for pre-boarding, which makes Boarding Group One the most coveted acquisition for the average guy on a trip. But within this elite group is a sickeningly competitive tension to get to the front of the line, assuming the airline’s boarded all of the selfish cripples. If you were the first person pressed against the velvet rope in the Boarding Group One line and someone were to cut in front of you, you’d totally flip out, wouldn’t you? You’d get in that person’s face and talk a ton of shit right into their eyes just like a white rapper. “You bitch-ass mark! Trying to cut in front of me? Fuck you, you piece of shit! Yo mama didn’t teach you right? Punk-ass bitch!” We’re mean at the airport, aren’t we? Because it’s an international airport in a big city, and we’re from a small chickenshit town like Studio City or Valley Glen and we feel like we have a social responsibility to REPREZENT for our barrios or whatever.

 

But back to my point: Why would you ever get on a plane sooner than you have to? The toilets are better at the airport, there are more bars, bookstores and restaurants. And more leg room! So if you want to fight me to get to the head of boarding group one, go right ahead, knuckle-nuts; I’ll just stretch out in the terminal for an extra ten minutes and breath a slightly more humid brand of recirculated air while you’re hunched with your seat-back up, reading the SkyMall order form.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America