Tag Archive for emergency

The Old Lady At The Gun Store

Instead of hurrying up with her purchase so that *I* could be helped with my purchase of bullets, because I’m all about ME ME ME and was in a real rush to get my hollow-point ammunition, a petite, dotty older lady at the gun store told the clerk a rambling story about how she’s Read more

Toast Baby!

I try to avoid posting stuff that I didn’t create or that I didn’t improve in some humorous way, but this is an exception because I spent many hours recreating this image at 300dpi from a 3/4 inch square drawing found in a Delta Airlines safety pamphlet.



It may not qualify as “Crass, Puerile, Sardonic, Pseudo-Intellectual Humor and Satire of Dubious Scholastic Merit” but dammit, he’s cute as hell and he made for a hilarious pre-flight giggle session many years ago. He’s a baby made of toast floating in the ocean! If he gets wet, he’s gonna fall apart! That’s not safe at all, Delta! Won’t somebody save the Toast Baby?!

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The Handsome Chronicles – part 6

Bad news today, lovers.


Today I was visiting my gorgeous super-model friend Stormy Wyntyr at her makeup counter at Bloomie’s (because that’s where she works) when we started screwing around with the Clinique High Impact mascara.


Stormy was all like, “Hey handsome, you should try on some mascara.”
I was all like, “Please don’t call me that — call me by my birth name, Russ of America.”
“I’m sorry Russ of America. Anyway, you should try on some mascara; You have beautiful, long, thick lashes.”
“If it’s true that I have beautiful, long, thick lashes, then I’m exactly the kind of person who doesn’t need to try on the mascara. Why don’t we save it for someone who really needs it.”
“Oh come on, don’t be a wuss. We’re just having some fun; Here, let me put some on you.”
“No, I don’t…”
And Stormy started slathering my right eye with mascara.


Well, I’m sure you know where this trainwreck of an anecdote is headed, don’t you? Yep. You got it right. The mascara brush got stuck in my beautiful, long, thick lashes and we couldn’t get it out. Stormy tried to gently work it out, to no avail. She then started tugging on the brush to the point where the edges of my eyelids started to hurt. “OW OW OW OW OW!”


Stormy called 9-1-1 and when the ambulance and fire engine arrived we met them outside near the opening to the parking lot. I was so embarrassed. All sorts of people were gawking and standing around and taking photos with their cameraphones. It was the most humiliating experience of my life!


The paramedics tried to separate the lashes from the brush but they couldn’t do it. Stormy had a sudden idea (a BrainStormy – hahahaha) and she ran back inside. She came back out with about a dozen bottles of Clinique Rinse-Off Eye Makeup Solvent. And with the help of the EMTs, six tongue depressors, the dozen bottles and about an hour of coaxing, we were finally able to divorce the mascara brush from my lashes.


Oh god I was so embarrassed, but as soon as the brush was off, everybody around me started cheering and wishing me well. “You’re still handsome, Russ of America! Still handsome!”


I started to feel a little bit better after that…



[c] 2008 Russ of America