One Saturday at Home Depot:
JOE: Honey, what’s that you’re leaning on?
STELLA: It appears to be a small Doric column.
JOE: Wow, you look so good leaning on that Doric column that I’m going to take a photo of you.
STELLA: You’re so sentimental!
STELLA: And these are our photos from our trip to the Home Depot gardening center.
PEARL: Oh that miniature citrus tree is gorgeous! What are you leaning against?
STELLA: I think it’s a Doric column.
PEARL: Oh my, you look so darling leaning against it!
STELLA: Thanks hun. Do you want some more pound cake?
PEARL: So I was over at Stella’s yesterday and she had this cute photo of her leaning against a Doric column.
SALLY: Oh I LOVE that photo!
PEARL: Oh, you’ve seen it?
SALLY: Oh sure, it’s gorgeous! I think they should get the photo blown up and framed for the hallway, and keep a matching photo in a small silver frame on top of the piano.
PEARL: Does Stella play the piano?
SALLY: No, but they have one anyway.
SALLY: So Pearl was visiting with Stella and she reminded me of this really cute photo Stella has.
MRS. KIM: Is Stella still selling Amway?
SALLY: Not anymore. She stopped last September after her Maltese was shot. Anyway, Stella’s hubby Joe took a really cute photo of Stella next to a Doric column.
MRS. KIM: Doric column?
SALLY: Yeah, you know, there are three classic column styles of the old world: Doric, Ionic and Corinthian.
MRS. KIM: I know that, I used to teach architecture at Yale. I just didn’t hear you.
MRS. KIM: Hey honey, how was your day?
MR. KIM: Fuckin’ sucked, man. I’m tired of driving that stupid fucking bus. I’ll never get anywhere if I’m working for someone else all my life. I’ve got the entrepreneurial spirit and I should be my own boss.
MRS. KIM: I agree. You’re so talented.
MR. KIM: I’ve been thinking about opening a booth at the swap meet.
MRS. KIM: What would you sell?
MR. KIM: I’m not sure. Plants? Shoelaces? Belts? Wallets? Discount t-shirts? Birds?
MRS. KIM: What about a service?
MR. KIM: What kind of service?
MRS. KIM: I dunno. Jewelry repair. Clothing alterations. Photography.
MR. KIM: Ah, photography! I used to be the president of the photo club in High School, you know.
MRS. KIM: Yeah, we went to the same high school, remember?
MR. KIM: We did? That’s weird. But what would I photograph?
MRS. KIM: Well, you could get some backdrops of fancy places and people could pose in front of them. You know, for yearbooks and stuff.
MR. KIM: That does sound pretty keen. The kind of people who shop at swap meets have probably never been anywhere.
MRS. KIM: One of my friends, Sally, was telling me that her friend Pearl reminded her that the husband of her friend Stella, took a really cute photo of her leaning against a Doric column.
MR. KIM: A Doric column?
MRS. KIM: Yeah, one of the three classic column styles of the old world.
MR. KIM: I know what a fucking Doric column is; I read your architecture magazines when I’m on the shitter!
VERONICA: How much for the 8×10?
MR. KIM: Well, we have the 8×10 plus two 5×7s and sixteen wallets for ten bucks.
VERONICA: [Mch!] Okay, but how much for just the 8×10.
MR. KIM: Uh, well, we don’t sell just the 8×10.
VERONICA: Look, the customer is always right, eh? I just want the 8×10, so you should be able to sell me just the 8×10! [Mch!]
MR. KIM: There’s no need to get hostile, I’m just saying that we don’t have a per-picture price. But I guess for an extra five bucks I could throw out the 5×7s and the sixteen wallets.
VERONICA: [Mch!] Okay pues. That’s better! You should learn some manners! I’ll get that one.
MR. KIM: Shit, I’ve got the most severe soft focus filters on this fucking camera and you’re still too ugly for film!
VERONICA: What did you say?!
MR. KIM: Uhh, I said you’re so pretty that the camera is having trouble capturing all of your beauty.
VERONICA: Okay pues. Hurry up! [Mch!]
MR. KIM: Fugly bitch.
VERONICALIGURL2SWEET: “I’m a sweet-sexy BBW. Ive got lot’s of curves and love to have a good time with the right man as long as your no players or flake’s or games!?!”
BIGPIMPDAD2884701: “hey girl iseen your profile yur is so cute and sexy love the curves just got out of the joint lets’ get to you know you love 2 have a good time with the right girl and ur looking good so hit me up and say whut up and we see how players pimp big daddy out of control – ps i love that photo ofyou with the column whut iz dat, Doric?”
[c] 2008 Russ of America