Who put the salad dressing packet in my mail box? Is it a message? What does it mean? Does it mean that we’re Valentines? It’s Italian dressing — did an Italian do it? I’m one person who doesn’t love an Italian boy. (Except for Tomassi)
NEW UPDATE ON THE SALAD DRESSING (07.24.08 – 12:38pm)
Someone moved the dressing to Ray’s box! What the…?!
And then the salad dressing disappeared and now there’s an alcohol swab back in MY mailbox! What the…?!
UPDATE (07.24.08 – 2:56pm)
Someone took the alcohol swab, but now there’s a scrap of paper in my mailbox that says BLACK KIDS! What the…?! Who is doing this?! Is it racial? I hope not because I like all of the races. Anyway, don’t worry, I’ll keep you posted as things develop.
UPDATE (07.25.08 – 1:19pm)
The “black kids” scrap moved from my mailbox to Shawn’s mailbox! THAT’S DOWNWARD TWO MAILBOXES! How did that happen? Convectional air current? I DON’T THINK SO!!! Someone’s up to something! I’m not sure how it will all pan out, but I just hope that nobody is harmed from all this horseplay!
UPDATE (07.28.08 – 5:18pm)
What the…?! I dunno, guys — but nothing new has happened with the salad dressing. Except there’s no salad dressing involved anymore. The “Black Kids” scrap is still in Shawn’s mailbox, and I noticed earlier today when I was delivering mail that John has the alcohol swab in his box. I don’t know if that’s new or if that’s old because his mailbox is several inches above my head and I didn’t have a direct line of view inside of it.
So I’m not sure what to make of this. I should probably figure out who’s in the office today and then cross-reference that against my list of people who were in the office the last time I noticed a change. I’ll send the data off to the lab.
Thank you for your continued vigilance.
UPDATE (07.30.08 – 3:08pm)
Friends, you’ll be pleased, and relieved, to know that the salad dressing situation that was plaguing me has stopped completely, and there are absolutely no signs that the victimization will continue. Thank you for your kind words and assistance in this area. I’m quite relieved, as you must be as well.
UPDATE (07.30.08 – 3:41pm)
I seem to have jinxed myself because almost as soon as I sent out this latest missive expressing happiness that the reign of dressing had ended, my mailbox was polluted with more condiments. That’s what I get for having a big mouth! There is now ketchup, mustard AND EVEN MAYONNAISE IN MY MAILBOX! What the…?! What is going on?! What does it mean? If only there were some code to explain it all. HOLY!
UPDATE (07.30.08 – 4:47pm)
I’ve done a little investigation. I’ve gone to each person in this office, looked them right in the eyes and asked them if they were the salad dressing person. What is most odd to me, is that in spite of this, I’m not convinced that it’s anybody, and simultaneously I’m convinced that it’s everybody. Even the person who said “yes” I’m both convinced IS and IS NOT the salad dressing person. Yes, I still just don’t know. What I do know is this: not one of you is free from being scrutinized as the rogue who has turned my mailbox into a delicatessen. I will catch you, and you will pay.
UPDATE (07.31.08 – 11:28am)
Look folks, I think we have a really big problem here. I could be wrong, but I think that in addition to the ketchup, mustard and mayonnaise, someone brought back the salad dressing. What the…?! And then today when I came in — get this — someone had put a spatula in my mailbox. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? A SPATULA! WHAT THE…?! A SPATULA? YOU SICK FREAK! I’ve got to get to the bottom of this. If anyone has any leads or advice on how to tackle this issue, it is imperative that you contact me immediately.
UPDATE (07.31.08 – 3:41pm)
Vegemite? Honey? SOMEBODY PUT THEM BOTH IN MY MAILBOX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, I’m NOT KIDDING! I’d never kid about something like this!!!
Sickness. Pure sickness. One of you, whoever you are, needs to go to church and get saved! This evil madness is the product of the devil and you know it and you need to get saved so your sick devil-touched soul doesn’t rot in the fiery pit of hell.
I want you to go to church right now and ask for forgiveness and then stop your insane sickness!
UPDATE (08.01.08 – 11:55am)
Did you ever read that story by that guy who wrote a story about that guy who was in the cold and it was really really cold and the guy was going to die and he knew it and he’s talking about how tired he got and then he died? That’s how I feel, only instead of the cold, it’s the mailbox AND THIS TIME THERE’S PITA BREAD TOO!! WHAT THE…?! My end is near. Who is doing this to me and why?
UPDATE (08.01.08 – 2:34pm)
Oh, boy, this is big. Earlier today there was a ketchup, relish AND MAYONNAISE and SALAD DRESSING in my mailbox. And honey and Vegemite. AND THEN A PITA BREAD WITH A BAG AROUND IT!
They’re all gone.
Whoever this fiend is, THEY ARE QUITE COMPLEX. Like a Lipovitan sustained energy drink. This fiend replaced all of the above-catalogued litters with:
A hot mustard
A soy sauce
I sent this data to a local criminology lab, and here’s what they came up with:
* Hot mustard is a symbol for how hot the fiend thinks I am. (I’m not saying it’s *my* perception, I’m just telling you what the crime lab told me.)
* Soy sauce is fairly literal. There was a packet of sauce, and “soy” is Spanish for “I am.” It is true that I am saucy. Code = cracked.
* The agents at the lab were stumped by Smuckers. At first they thought it was some kind of rhyme, but they ran it a few more times and realized that what is contained in the Smuckers packet is marmalade. They then ran THAT datum back through their mainframe and concluded that the criminal is hinting at the chorus of the popular (but horrible) song Lady Marmalade, where the singer asks, “do you want to sleep with me this evening?”
I do have plans for this evening, so the answer is, tentatively, no. In the interim, I’m going to get the Human Resources contact information from La Nida and begin the complaint process for Sexual Harrassment, just in case the criminal does turn out to be Kevin after all.
Thank you for being there with me through this rough time.
UPDATE (08.01.08 – 02:40pm)
And an espresso cup.
[c] 2008 Russ of America