Heterosexual Male Assplay Primer
By Russ Carney of America
If you are a sexually active heterosexual man, at some point in your life you will meet a nice young lady who will want to put something in your ass. Most often it’s a finger or two, but it’s quite possible that one day she’ll hint about bubble plugs and strap-ons.
Unless you had cool parents who gave you The Talk on heterosexual assplay, you may have reservations about this sort of activity and wonder if letting your girlfriend put objects in your butt de facto makes you gay. I can assure you that the answer is no, or, more honestly, the answer is maybe. But let’s not get so hung up on the pink area of maybe, I can help you to define the black and whiteness of heterosexual male assplay. Firstly though I want to mention that … Click Here to Read On! …
I’ve got a big bucket of compost brewing, 2 catnip plants, some tomatoes, bell peps, cukes, green onions, ficuses, basil, rosemary, lavender, jasmine, some stupid ferns, a couple of spider plants and two philodendrons — I’m a a bloody farmer! And I’d grow opium in the community garden if I thought nobody would swipe it. I’d go out there every morning in my robes, dismount my camel, and toil in the 14′x4′ plot all day, tending to the rows of poppies. Let’s bring heroin back to American soil again! Our two most precious resources, oil and heroin we buy from the middle-east. I’m telling you America, we’ve got to get wise about these things or they will be our undoing…
The use of dowsing or divining rods to find hidden objects, from water, to gold, to dead bodies, is a scientific practice dating back thousands of years. Every item that God put on earth emits a magnetomic frequention between 1qei-1603qei**. The dowser, if attuned to the appropriate frequention through conviction of faith and science, is able to use his or her rods to biangulate the location of the desired item, up to 20,000 feet below the earth’s crustula. Disbelievers, or “haters”, claim that magnetomical or any other form of divining is “a fallacy” (as some of the bloggers call it) in spite of incontrovertible evidence proving that biangulation of magnetomic frequention is a provable, demonstrable and working scientific concept equivalent to main-stream scientific laws such as electricity, fluid dynamics and magnetic healing. The disbelievers spread their hate and terror through their baseless opinions and myopic dogma in the form of arrogantly ignorant demands that dowsing scientists should have to *prove* our extraordinary claims because somehow the burden is on us to prove science, instead of on them to disprove the science. Science is facts, not theory. Duh! And you use facts to prove a theory, not a science! Duh! If you have a problem with dowsing, that’s just your theory and you have to prove that it does NOT work, and not the other way around. Since when did people with inexplicable claims ever have to prove anything first? That’s up to your alleged “scientific science.” If you can’t accept this obviousness, then I pity you, but I will keep my heart open to forgive you.
To put the haters to rest once and for all, I am organizing The Dowsing Challenge. It is estimated that there are between 4-7 million abandoned landmines in Cambodia. My plan is to compile a team of 1000 dowsers, funded by your charitable donations of no less than $10,000,000 or more, to travel to Cambodia. Once there we will help to biangulate and to clear landmines using no scientific method other than dowsing. We will disarm the landmines with acupuncture, distance healing, free energy, and homeopathics. Then we will restore polluted soil to its original shape by using the rejuvenative power of magnets and ionic bracelets to regenerate the once pristine Cambodian soil. Anyone who has faith in dowsing as strongly as I, is asked to immediately fund or to join my crew and to do something positive with their god-given scientific or financial resources as I have chosen to do. If you know a lot of non-dowsers, urge them to offer their financial support. If you are an intelligent person you will donate money to this cause because it speaks to a very important humanitarian issue: saving helpless little children and the world-weary elderly from excruciating death and the discomfort of disfigurement. I should also remind you that by donating money to this cause you will be preserving your freedoms as a god-blessed American dowser, or as a lifelong faithful supporter (if you yourself do not dowse.) If you do not, within a short time span the government will intervene and reveal to you that the pinko liberals have successfully lobbied to suppress your rights of expressing yourself through divining, and so you can’t do it anymore. Are you going to give them this power?
More details on the $10,000,000 Dowsing Challenge to follow.
** qei (alt: QEI) (pron: quee) is the dowser’s preferred unit of measurement for magnetomic energy frequention. According to many documents found on the Internet, Queen Elizabeth I was said to be a proponent of dowsing, to the extent that she ordered dowsers to assist English miners with locating valuable mineral seams. It is for this reason that we dowsers have co-opted her initials for our preferred measurement unit. We could have used Charles Richet’s initials, but his name doesn’t come up a whole lot in pop-culture so not a lot of people know who he is, and it was much easier to turn QEI into “quee” than it would be to turn CR into something resembling a word. It also deserves mention that magnetomic frequention is not the same thing as electromagnetic frequencies (alt: EMF), which is totally a pseudo-scientific concept.
