Tag Archive for fashion

Rick Astley’s Mom Jeans

Cool though he was back in the day, and made cool once again with the proliferation of the dead, beaten horse known as the “Rick Roll”, Rick Astley’s coolness might have waned slightly when he wore a denim tuxedo replete with MOM JEANS in his most famous video ever.

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Built-In Undiepants

Know what I love about swim trunks?

 

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The Fashionistas on Snow Boots

The fashionistas have decided that when the temperature in Southern California reaches 65 degrees Fahrenheit (18.33C), that’s an okay time to break out your best pair of Eskimo boots. The more fringe and tassels and pom-poms, the better!

 

It may seem counter-intuitive, but it’s totally okay to wear a skirt or shorty-shorts and a tank top with the boots; The one main rule for wearing Eskimo boots is that the temperature MUST HAVE DROPPED TO 65F/18C. Even if it’s for only one day.

 

An interesting fashionista loophole: If the weather hasn’t yet hit 65F/18C, but it’s any time after mid-November, you are allowed to wear the Eskimo boots because it’s going to be winter soon. It could be 78F/25.5C degrees wherever you are, but if it’s mid-November, you can still wear the snow boots and everybody’ll think you’re a gorgeous little darling in your form-fitting tanktop and plain-jane jean skirt. You don’t even have to wear panties!

 

*Scoff!* Like you need my permission to wear panties… You won’t!

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Socks Make The Man

Kids can’t wait to be older because they’re convinced that if they can just appear more mature, people will take them seriously and finally listen to them. And let them buy booze. To that end, they’ll do just about anything to appear older and to act older. But it’s getting a little out of hand lately; I’ve begun to see young kids – twelve, thirteen years-old – wearing black socks with shorts. Like an old man. And sometimes with black sandals. What the fuck?!

 

I understand if you want to look older — but look like my grandfather? Really? Nobody’s gonna fall for that, Black-Sock Boy. You’re missing the gray whiskers and the sporadic memory loss. Okay, maybe just the gray whiskers.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Compliments

When I give a lady a compliment, I like to compliment her on something for which she probably doesn’t get a lot of attention. Women know when they have amazing tits and a gorgeous ass and there’s no need to bring that up unless you can’t find any other nice thing to say about her. That’s pretty rare for a woman, so even if you can compliment her on her choice of fabric for the day, that’s a start. Women appreciate a man who notices the minutia, the small details, and if you want to get anywhere with the fairer sex, you have to demonstrate a heightened awareness; Compliment a woman on the qualities for which she gets the least attention, but be genuine. A woman’s self-esteem diminishes when she reads a compliment as counterfeit, and that defeats the purpose.

 

Here’s a compliment I recently extended to a pretty mocha honey I ran into at work:

    “Hi, I don’t mean to come off as too forward or anything, but I was hoping to pay you a compliment: Your Social Security Number is very symmetrical.”
    “You noticed!
    “I love how it’s all even numbers and how it increases at the beginning and then decreases at the end. Very sexy.”
    “Thank you!”
    “You’re welcome.”
    “How did you get my Social Security Number?”
    “Personnel files. I knew that there was something special about you and I was determined to find out what it was.”
    “I am entranced by you.”

Women are usually very insecure about their Social Security Numbers, sometimes going to great lengths to keep them out of the hands of strangers, but if you have access to that information, the outcome of her happiness will justify your methodology.

 

One caveat about telling a woman something nice: While it’s always tempting to follow up your compliment with some awkward pick-up line, NEVER DO THAT. A compliment is a stand-alone gift. You put it out there, she takes it and it’s a done-deal. Women are like dogs: and while they can’t smell fear, they *are* sensitive to ulterior motives and squirrelly behavior. Pay your compliment and then get the hell out of there. Let her marinate in your good juices.

 

A Latin honey I am marginally acquainted with got the following royal treatment from me recently:

    “Hi, I don’t mean to come off as too forward or anything, but I was hoping to pay you a compliment: You have an amazing neck.”
    “Thank you! I’ve never really liked my neck. I think it’s too long and chunky”
    “I completely disagree. Your neck is very taut with a pleasant and consistent texture. It has an even color and very few craggy striations, it smells great and draws my attention away from other women around you. I love the way your neck curves under your jawbone and up toward your ears. It’s regal and it really gives ’base’ to your head.”
    “Wow, nobody’s ever complimented me on my neck before.”
    “Well, when I notice perfection I feel it’s my duty to say something.”
    “Would you like to have coffee some time?”
    “No, I should walk away because a compliment is a stand-alone gift.”
    “I am entranced by you.”

Do you see the delicious sexual tension I created in this scenario? This woman had a negative belief about her neck which I was easily able to turn around by focusing on her, paying attention to the details and then telling her what I felt. From that point on, whenever she looks at her neck in the mirror, she’s not going to see it as long and chunky, she’s going to look at it as sculpted and sexy. She will remember my compliment and forever think something positive about herself. Bingo.

 

I met a white/Filipina at a party a few weeks ago and she got a little special attention from me, the master:

    “Hi, I don’t mean to come off as too forward or anything, but I was hoping to pay you a compliment: I really love your blue blouse.”
    “Thank you!”
    “You’re welcome. What do you call that shade?”
    “Turquoise.”
    “Turquoise? That sounds very exotic. I also like your vermilion blouse.”
    “Vermilion blouse?”
    “Yeah, the vermilion blouse you just picked up at Loehman’s yesterday.”
    “Wow, we just met tonight, and yet you are attentive enough to know about a blouse I bought yesterday at a store clean across town. That makes your compliment seem more credible!”
    “Yeah, the vermilion blouse will be perfect for drawing attention away from your perfect earlobes.”
    “You think that I have perfect earlobes?”
    “Well now I’m a little embarrassed; Really I just meant to focus on complimenting your blouses; I never meant to get into a whole thing about how perfect your earlobes, elbows and nostrils are.”
    “OMG! I’ve always hated my elbows and nostrils! I was going to get surgery!”
    “Save your money. Your nostrils are perfectly kidney-shaped and are evenly spaced. And from this angle I can see that your elbow skin is elastic enough to permit free movement, and even with your arm fully extended I see absolutely no wrinkle artifacting. I personally know eight women who would die to have elbows as sexy as yours.”
    “I am entranced by you!”

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Blogging For Courtney Love

Things are pretty glum down at the old office; Frankly, I’m just tired of complaining about fudgey spoons in the sink and having to order the fucking toner all the time, so I’ve been distracting my fury by doing some professional writing work, which is totally a good thing. My most recent gig is as a blog writer for Courtney Love. Trust me, CL is too busy to write her own blogs, so her people hired me to do it. I’ve written about seven of them so far and I charge a pretty penny. I’m totally willing to offer you my services for pennies on what Court is paying me, but that’s only because I like you. Just tell me a little about yourself, I will write up a contract and we can get started.

 

Here’s a sample of my work:

    ROTSI

     

    so sick and tired of all the wanking paparotsi tho follow me into the starhbusk to see me lift myskirt and piss on the toilets eat -why do they do that they never gave a shit when i and kurt were poor an dliving cigarette to cigarette or even when we were on the top of the world and i had to throw bottles at madonnas head to get attention or so much as a look from anyone who matterd- And kurt who was so sucessful he took a dying textile flannle and revaginated it so that all the motherfuckers who wanted to be rockers but couldnt afford the axl rose pants pants could go into their grandfather scloset and pull out the flannle shirts nbody care dabout him when he did that did u?but he coulda made milions just from saving flannle =but now that i’m famous the papparotsi stick theres camras in my junk and photograp hme and take my blogs which i write myself and steel them to put them in their tmz fuck you cunt harvey levin don’t give a shit about nobody cept when there somebody and there b/coming nobody again=- me and kurt used ta say that whenyour nobody you cant be famouse for nothing but only once your famouse can you be famuose again for being a nobody – curse of the downtrodden selsl magazines dont it fuck you harvey levin im a rocker and ive seen it all and you are all worthless roaches- i swear to gawd papaROTsi some day you will ake like i ake

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America