Tag Archive for food

Fish… Bacon?!


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Sorry Philippines, this will never, ever satisfy a bacon craving. Nope. Never, ever. Not even during the obligatory zombie apocalypse.

 

[c] 2012 Russ of America

 

Not The Best Brekkie Burrito Ever

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I asked for a breakfast burrito with salchicha (sausage,) and got this evil, monkey-like monstrosity with hot dogs.

 

Why do they even *have* hot dogs at a Mexican restaurant?

 

And why did I eat the entire thing?

 

Shame on everybody involved!

 
 

[c] 2012 Russ of America

 

McDonald’s 2011

Now that some fast food chains have begun to post nutritional info on their menus, I’ve noticed that I’ve been making different, healthier choices. When I go to Subway, for example, I don’t get the tuna anymore, because it’s easily got TWICE the calories of a turkey breast sandwich. WHAT THE LIVING SHIT, TUNA?! I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY FRIEND! IT’S THAT GODDAMNED JERK MAYONNAISE YOU’RE ALWAYS HANGING OUT WITH!

 

As other fast food venues deliver nutritional facts, or as I like to call it “harsh reality” to their customers, I believe we’ll eventually find that we ALL make better choices. And when that happens, those emergency visits to McDonald’s will be like taking steps down a nutritional walk of shame.

    “Uh, Hi. Yeah. Gimme a Super-Tiny tap water. No ice.”
    “Okay, so you want a Super-Tiny tap water, no ice. Would you like a saltine with that?”
    “OH DEAR FUCKING CHRIST NO!”
    “That’ll be zero dollars at the second window.”
    “Thank yooooooou.

[c] 2011 Russ of America

 

The Big Limburger Mistake

I like to try new things. I’ll usually try a new food once and if I don’t like it, I’ll never have it again. Quail eggs, for example, are effing nasty and I’ll never eat those bastards a second time. Remember my post about experimenting with novelty snacks? Usually it’s a good thing to experiment with new things. I mean, why are we alive if we’re only here to drive down the same streets, read the same books, and eat the same foods over and over? But as you recall from that novelty snacks post, I have a Read more

Green Earth Tip #5

5)
Don’t eat like a slob and you won’t use as many napkins.
Use your fork to put food IN your mouth instead of just mashing it into the general vicinity. When you stop eating by the handful, that’s when the real impact to paper napkins is seen.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

Novelty Snacks From Asian Markets

There is no greater faith than that of a man who trusts the packaged fish snacks of another culture.

 

My dad is a multi-cultural sportsman. That is, he loves to experiment in the sandboxes of other nationalities as a sport. He enjoys their movies, listens to their music, lights their incense, drinks their teas and partakes of their foodstuffs. It’s a loving sentimentality that I’m fundamentally interested in.

 

I inherited this trait from him, so it’s not uncommon for me to wander optimistically through the snack and dehydrated meats aisle of the local Asian grocery store, 99 Ranch Market, as though I don’t know any better, which I absolutely do. I totally know better than to blindly grab at imported Asian snacks. I don’t mean that in an ethnically insensitive way — I’ve always appreciated the integrity and style of my Asian friends, I just mean that due to lack of exposure over the years, I’m not very likely to palate many of their best fishy tidbits. But still I’ll poke through their grocery racks and look at all the goods and it’s not unusual for me to throw a few bags of weird stuff into my basket. I love the breath decimating Boy Bawang and some interesting peanut confections called Nagaraya that my Bebeboo has brought to my attention, but I’d say that 85% of the time, I’m completely disappointed and appalled by my selections. Pickled radish, Chinese beef jerky, dried pollock fish snack? What the living fuck am I thinking?

 

The snacks are often pretty funky tasting, laced with salt and MSG, potentially full of fat, cholesterol, lead, melamine, arsenic, mercury, human papilloma viruses and influenza. As an example of this, I was in LA’s Chinatown on Tuesday February 24th, dicking around in the Folksy Medicine section of a popular two-story red-colored Chinese supermarket on Broadway. There were NUMEROUS folksy remedies that were clearly (cough cough) labeled as dangerous, of course on the very bottom of the package with a irritating 2-inch sticker that was folded in half upon itself and could “just accidentally fall off” because it was adhered to the box by a 1/16″ sliver. This sticker, as difficult as it was to read, identified many products to contain, According to the State of California (flip the sticker over) cancer-causing poisons. The Sea Horse Genital Tonic Pills depicted here from my camera phone are exactly such a delicious cancer-causing medicine. Oh, I forgot to mention, The Sea Horse Genital Tonic listed as its first ingredient inexplicably contains LAND HORSE testicle bits. A savory thought, I know, considering the duplicitous ocean theme, but that’s wacky Asian snacks for you — uh, I mean folksy medicines. I will admit that most of the boxes I saw had the ubiquitous statements of not being endorsed by the FDA, etc. Though I don’t read Chinese and couldn’t tell you if the translations were honest to the English illiterate.

 

As you know, I have a morbid fear of shady Chinese restaurants. It is almost impossible to get me into a Chinese restaurant unless it has either “Panda” or “Express” in its name. I’m not sure exactly why that is, except that I went to a few of ’em here and there when I was a kid and they always kind of creeped me out. Roasted ducks hanging by the necks, dirty fish and lobster tanks crammed with someone’s meal-to-be. And of course television played a role; undercover consumer advocates would sometimes catch evil chefs doing horrible things in the kitchen, like smoking and dropping ashes into the bok choy. It’s obviously an irrational fear as there are thousands of very high quality Chinese restaurants out there in the world, but it’s a phobia of mine. So even I am at a loss for why I’ve been experimenting with shady Asian snack delicacies. I guess I genuinely like to be disappointed in life while spending money here and there on things that almost make me puke. Blecch! Who doesn’t?! But now perhaps it’s time to hang up my scholar’s cap and reach for the Doritos when I’m peckish. Or some Boy Bawang.

 

 

[c] 2009 Russ of America

 

Toss That Salad

DAY ONE
Hey everybody, someone left two fruit stickers stuck to the kitchen sink. I don’t know which one of you has been eating plums and peaches, but one of you has, and you probably know that it was you. We’d appreciate it if you’d please go back to the kitchen and throw out the fruit stickers. It’ll only take a minute. Thanks.

 

DAY TWO
Hey everybody, if you left a plastic container on the kitchen counter, I’m going to throw it out if you don’t claim it by the end of the day. It looks like it’s been stained with chili or tomato sauce or something, if that helps to jog your memory.

 

DAY THREE
Hey everybody, I forgot to throw out the plastic container yesterday, but really that was your job. You have until noon to claim it or I’m chucking it. It looks like one of the expensive ones. Also, the fruit stickers are still stuck to the sink. If you remember eating fruit any time in the last week, please go to the kitchen and take the bullet for the fruit-eater team by throwing out the stickers. You can cash out your good karma at the next fruit convention.

 

DAY FOUR
Hey everybody, if you take the last donut, please throw out the box. It’s not fair for someone to go into the kitchen and expect the last donut or bagel or pretzel or cake slice or whatever and open up the box to find nothing but a dirty knife. Also, please wash the knife when you’re done with it.

 

DAY FIVE
Hey everybody, most of the people in the office don’t like it when people take half of single serving of something and then leave the rest. So like if there are cookies in the kitchen and you take half of a cookie and then leave the other half, it upsets other employees when they go to the box of pastries and all there is left is half of a cookie. Same with donuts and bagels and stuff like that. People want a whole serving of whatever it is. They don’t want half of a serving or to find an empty box. Opening the pastry box to find half of a cookie is worse than finding no cookie. With no cookie, people think, “Oh, he forgot. Maybe next time he won’t forget.” With half of a cookie, people think, “That guy is too lazy to throw out the box that he’s gonna cut the last cookie in half just so he doesn’t have to bother.” And then they get incredulous because that person left behind the dirty knife too. If you’re so concerned about your weight that you can’t eat an entire cookie, maybe you should stay away from the cookies, you know? I mean, the difference between a half of a cookie and a whole cookie is negligible, calorie-wise, and all you’re doing is depriving your neighbor of the ability to eat an entire cookie. That’s totally selfish. I’m sorry to come off as so hostile, but it’s just so frustrating that I always get a big disappointment when I go to eat something that’s in the kitchen.

 

DAY SIX
The fruit stickers are still in the kitchen. Any time you want to get rid of them, would be great.

 

DAY SEVEN
Something died in the refrigerator. I’m doing a fridge clean-out tomorrow at noon. I’m not throwing out the fruit stickers though. I’m going to leave them there until you get sick of them. If you have anything in the fridge that you want to keep, it’d better have your name and date on it by tomorrow at noon.

 

DAY EIGHT
I’m cleaning out the fridge right now. Last chance to claim your stuff.

 

DAY NINE
Okay, whichever one of you cunts put the garbage that I threw out BACK into the fridge, is a goddamn fucking prick asshole. That’s so fucking nasty!! I can’t even comprehend how you could have touched that with your bare fucking hands. When I threw out that old orange chicken from Lu’s it was covered in fucking liquid fungus. Why the fuck did you put that shit back in there? I swear to fucking Christ, I have no fucking idea how your infantile dick-head minds work. You’re being totally disrespectful of everybody around you, you’re perpetuating a filthy work and living condition, you’re propagating germs and sickness, and you are condoning and encouraging some real anti-social behaviors. How the hell do you maladjusted, pedestrian jerkoffs function in contemporary society? I have no idea how you can be allowed to exist and I am completely and totally sick of working with you goddamn pig motherfuckers.

 

DAY TEN
Hey everybody, I just found out that today is going to be my last day, so I just wanted to say goodbye. I threw out the fruit stickers. If you want to keep in touch, um, feel free to MySpace me. It’s been fun working with such a great group of people and I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America