I’ve always wanted to be “the bad boy of” something. The media loves that guy and all of his unpredictable drama. Don’t they call Tommy Lee the bad boy of glam metal? And Gordon Ramsay is indisputably the bad boy of cooking. Cooking? Yeah, cooking! There weren’t nearly enough bad boys of cooking until Gordon Ramsay. Before him it was Jack Tripper, but he was a bit of a candy-ass, although he did score co-habitation with some pretty hot chicks. And then if you scroll back through your pop culture file a few years you’ll recall that Bobby Fischer was considered the bad boy of chess. Chess? Chess had a bad boy? Yep. Chess had a bad boy. Today I read an article about a dude named David Martz whose pilot’s license was suspended by the FAA after he was filmed getting a blowjob while in the skies over San Diego. Clearly he’s the bad boy of helicoptering!
So yeah, I’m a little envious of all these bad boys. They get the press, they get the helicopter blowjobs, they get to make sexy movies with Pamela Anderson (I think I made a little upchuck in my mouth. It tastes funny!) and so I’mma start thinking really carefully about how I can become the bad boy of something, and what it should be that I’m the bad boy of.
Gardening? I’m not very good at that. I guess I like the imagery though — being found passed out drunk in a bed of grape hyacinths, broken beer bottles askew and a toppled gnome.
How about the bad boy of PC upgrades. I could get a show on G4 and talk all sorts of shit about Windows Vista and roast those L4M3R n00bz who call in to ask questions. I could get arrested for assaulting my co-star with a wireless mouse right up her cornpipe!
The bad boy of blogging? I almost think that title would be reserved for that Perez Hilton character because he’s mean and nobody can control him and he’s a real loose cannon.
So I’ll open it up to the one person who reads my blog. If I were to be the bad boy of something, what would you suggest that it should be?
One Saturday at Home Depot:
JOE: Honey, what’s that you’re leaning on?
STELLA: It appears to be a small Doric column.
JOE: Wow, you look so good leaning on that Doric column that I’m going to take a photo of you.
STELLA: You’re so sentimental!
[photo snaps]
Later:
STELLA: And these are our photos from our trip to the Home Depot gardening center.
PEARL: Oh that miniature citrus tree is gorgeous! What are you leaning against?
STELLA: I think it’s a Doric column.
PEARL: Oh my, you look so darling leaning against it!
STELLA: Thanks hun. Do you want some more pound cake?
Later:
PEARL: So I was over at Stella’s yesterday and she had this cute photo of her leaning against a Doric column.
SALLY: Oh I LOVE that photo!
PEARL: Oh, you’ve seen it?
SALLY: Oh sure, it’s gorgeous! I think they should get the photo blown up and framed for the hallway, and keep a matching photo in a small silver frame on top of the piano.
PEARL: Does Stella play the piano?
SALLY: No, but they have one anyway.
Later:
SALLY: So Pearl was visiting with Stella and she reminded me of this really cute photo Stella has.
MRS. KIM: Is Stella still selling Amway?
SALLY: Not anymore. She stopped last September after her Maltese was shot. Anyway, Stella’s hubby Joe took a really cute photo of Stella next to a Doric column.
MRS. KIM: Doric column?
SALLY: Yeah, you know, there are three classic column styles of the old world: Doric, Ionic and Corinthian.
MRS. KIM: I know that, I used to teach architecture at Yale. I just didn’t hear you.
Later:
MRS. KIM: Hey honey, how was your day?
MR. KIM: Fuckin’ sucked, man. I’m tired of driving that stupid fucking bus. I’ll never get anywhere if I’m working for someone else all my life. I’ve got the entrepreneurial spirit and I should be my own boss.
MRS. KIM: I agree. You’re so talented.
MR. KIM: I’ve been thinking about opening a booth at the swap meet.
MRS. KIM: What would you sell?
MR. KIM: I’m not sure. Plants? Shoelaces? Belts? Wallets? Discount t-shirts? Birds?
MRS. KIM: What about a service?
MR. KIM: What kind of service?
MRS. KIM: I dunno. Jewelry repair. Clothing alterations. Photography.
MR. KIM: Ah, photography! I used to be the president of the photo club in High School, you know.
MRS. KIM: Yeah, we went to the same high school, remember?
MR. KIM: We did? That’s weird. But what would I photograph?
MRS. KIM: Well, you could get some backdrops of fancy places and people could pose in front of them. You know, for yearbooks and stuff.
MR. KIM: That does sound pretty keen. The kind of people who shop at swap meets have probably never been anywhere.
MRS. KIM: One of my friends, Sally, was telling me that her friend Pearl reminded her that the husband of her friend Stella, took a really cute photo of her leaning against a Doric column.
MR. KIM: A Doric column?
MRS. KIM: Yeah, one of the three classic column styles of the old world.
MR. KIM: I know what a fucking Doric column is; I read your architecture magazines when I’m on the shitter!
Later:
VERONICA: How much for the 8×10?
MR. KIM: Well, we have the 8×10 plus two 5×7s and sixteen wallets for ten bucks.
VERONICA: [Mch!] Okay, but how much for just the 8×10.
MR. KIM: Uh, well, we don’t sell just the 8×10.
VERONICA: Look, the customer is always right, eh? I just want the 8×10, so you should be able to sell me just the 8×10! [Mch!]
MR. KIM: There’s no need to get hostile, I’m just saying that we don’t have a per-picture price. But I guess for an extra five bucks I could throw out the 5×7s and the sixteen wallets.
VERONICA: [Mch!] Okay pues. That’s better! You should learn some manners! I’ll get that one.
Later:
MR. KIM: Shit, I’ve got the most severe soft focus filters on this fucking camera and you’re still too ugly for film!
VERONICA: What did you say?!
MR. KIM: Uhh, I said you’re so pretty that the camera is having trouble capturing all of your beauty.
VERONICA: Okay pues. Hurry up! [Mch!]
MR. KIM: Fugly bitch.
Later:
VERONICALIGURL2SWEET: “I’m a sweet-sexy BBW. Ive got lot’s of curves and love to have a good time with the right man as long as your no players or flake’s or games!?!”
Later:
BIGPIMPDAD2884701: “hey girl iseen your profile yur is so cute and sexy love the curves just got out of the joint lets’ get to you know you love 2 have a good time with the right girl and ur looking good so hit me up and say whut up and we see how players pimp big daddy out of control – ps i love that photo ofyou with the column whut iz dat, Doric?”
