Esteemed television actress Meredith Baxter, who portrayed Elyse Keaton on 1980s hit sit-com Family Ties, recently revealed during a slightly awkward Today Show segment that she is a Lesbian. But for those of us who have been following her IMDB history over the years, this is no new revelation. Why, just looking at the names of some of the projects she’s worked on over the years, it is clear that she has been trying to tell us something for a very long time:
Heterosexual Male Assplay Primer
By Russ Carney of America
If you are a sexually active heterosexual man, at some point in your life you will meet a nice young lady who will want to put something in your ass. Most often it’s a finger or two, but it’s quite possible that one day she’ll hint about bubble plugs and strap-ons.
Unless you had cool parents who gave you The Talk on heterosexual assplay, you may have reservations about this sort of activity and wonder if letting your girlfriend put objects in your butt de facto makes you gay. I can assure you that the answer is no, or, more honestly, the answer is maybe. But let’s not get so hung up on the pink area of maybe, I can help you to define the black and whiteness of heterosexual male assplay. Firstly though I want to mention that … Click Here to Read On! …
A loyal reader of 400% More Jackoff Magic has asked me for some advice. He queries:
Dear Mr. Carney of America,
If I get really drunk and wake up with a penis in my mouth, am I gay? Yeah, ok, that’s pretty gay, but what if it’s a female penis?
Confused from Oklahoma
Dear Oklahoma,
I want to remind you of legendary Led Zeppelin drummer, John Bonham. He woke up one morning from a night of heavy drinking with a pool of vomit in his mouth. But you know what? … Click Here to Read On! …
This Rambo post has nothing to do with the ridiculous sequel numbering as exposed in The Rambonacci Sequence.
Okay, so last night while flipping channels I caught a glimpse of the final five minutes of one of the earlier films starring Sylvester Stallone in the role of a guy named John Rambo. Anyways, it was really sexually gay because he’s … Click Here to Read On! …
Look man, times are tough. Whether you be old or young, you gotta do what you gotta to do get by, and sometimes it means sacrificing your morals. And by “sometimes” I mean “usually” because morality is fleeting, like good breath. So have you ever thought about sacrificing your morals to sell newspaper subscriptions?
Hi! It’s me again and I’m here with another exciting episode of Jackoff Queries. As you know from the last round, I check my blog stats often and I see a lot of questions from the various hapless wits who ask Google and Yahoo and Ask.com various jackoff-related questions. These poor souls wind up at my site in search of answers, since I made the grave mistake of satirically naming my blog 400% More Jackoff Magic. I’m not aware of any official body that oversees jackoff issues, so I have a sense of duty to try to address at least a few of the queries that find their way to my office. I would like to stress that my blog is not intended to deal with these issues full-time or on any regular basis. But, this is a humor blog, and I think this is pretty good fodder, in spite of how people are thrusting their jackoff onto me.
With no further ado, the second round of jackoff Q and A.
Q: how to jack off your dog
R: Whatever you do, don’t! What if he mauled you to death? You can’t get into heaven covered in dog spunk, (Leviticus 18:42). Or even worse, what if he mauled you to paralysis, but you were still living? Your parents would come home and you’d be covered in dog spunk and boy would YOU have some questions to answer! Also you don’t want to lose your dog’s respect. Jack off someone else’s dog if you have to, but only with the permission of the owner. And PETA.
Q: is it gay if jack off with a friend
R: Yes, but with an explanation. I’ve said numerous times that boys under the age of 12 are essentially gay. That tends to change upon reaching puberty when their voices change, they start acting a little cooler and don’t dress and sound like an overzealous fairy anymore. I think young men should be afforded carte blanche gayness until they turn 18, when they can reset their sexuality clocks. But that’s your only shot. After that, if you’re jacking off with other guys watching, you’re gay forever!
Q: how to get your friend to jack off with you
R: Communication.
Q: i need a buddy to jack off with
R: Good news, the guy right before you seems receptive. I’ll put you two in touch.
Q: magic jack off
R: Yapple dapple!
Q: what happens if you jackoff to much?
R: You’ll be late for school.
Q: jack off only while sitting down
R: I’m not a big fan of accepting anecdotal evidence for matters of science — things related to the supernatural, mysterious power of the mind, alternative medicine, etc — but this is exactly the kind of question that can be answered by your own anecdotal evidence without searching for an official ruling online. Did you try it? Did it work for you? Great. That’s jackoff science.
Q: how to get the most pleasure jacking off
R: Flex really hard, then stick your finger in your navel and sniff it. Spank your buttcheek eight times, stand up really quickly and sit down again. That should do the trick.
Q: bouncy balls up anus
R: Seriously? How did you manage to pull that one off?
Q: smoking weed vs masturbating
R: I didn’t think that it was ever a competition, but if I had to recommend one, I’d probably go with masturbating. Especially if you have a mid-term coming up.
Q: nadya suleman toes
R: This question again? Who the hell keeps looking for her toes?
Q: jerking off with my doctor
R: I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed to do that. It may not be explicitly stated in the oath, but I’m sure that it’s implied.
Q: what happen after you jack off
R: I pray that she doesn’t wake up right away.
Q: ways to jackoff on an exercise ball
R: Sorry chief, there’s only one way to jackoff on an exercise ball. Any other way is wrong and you need to stop doing it.
Q: do you have to jerk off at the doctors
R: No, it’s totally optional. But if you do, they’ll refund your co-pay.
DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.
I’m pretty gay-friendly when sober, but if you are gay and happen to be around me when I am drunk, I would like to apologize in advance and forewarn you that this is what you are likely to experience:
At some point, and without provocation, I will confide in you that I have a really lax attitude towards gay people. “No seriously,” I’ll assure, “I like gays.”
“I just want you to know that I support your rights,” is probably going to come up at least once.
I’ll joke that I support gay marriage, but that I’m staunchly against gay divorce. We’ll both laugh. “Hahahaha!”
I will take you on a magic carpet story adventure to meet all of the gays who have appeared in my life throughout the years. I unfurl a glorious rainbow tapestry and discuss: a) That poor guy in junior high school that we used to tease, and how badly I felt later in life to think about how we made him miserable, and will you, a gay person, please forgive me so I can stop feeling badly and stop overcompensating while drunk? b) The nice girl who advocated for gay people in high school in spite of how much flak she received. c) The math tutor who always showed up at Thanksgiving with his “roommate” Gary, and how it always seemed to me that Gary had been tricked into being homosexual. Does that ever happen? d) The first gay male co-worker I ever had and how it made me feel. e) The gay co-worker who helped me to not be afraid of gay people. f) The first time I ever hugged a gay man. g) The co-worker everybody thought was gay because he had a tight body, never talked about girls and would go on tropical vacations with his “homeboys.” h) The weekly Carl’s Jr. dates I had with a gay man for about a month, completely by accident. i) The lesbian I dated. j) Tales of The Vamp, a former co-worker who systematically destroyed heterosexual men’s sexuality as sport, and had the photographs to prove it.
After we meet all of my ghosts of homos past, I will spontaneously pause for a brainstorm break, to see if I can remember the gayest person I have ever met and then inject it into our conversation. Maybe something like, “Boy, yeah, speaking of shrimp cocktails, I wonder who was the gayest person I’ve ever met… I met Rip Taylor once! Boy is HE gay or what? Do you ever see him in the clubs?”
Now seems like a good time to tell you about the times in my life when gay guys flirted with me. I will probably say something very magnanimous like, “I was surprised at first, because it doesn’t happen too often, but I realized that it was very flattering! I mean, if a gay man is hitting on me, that’s pretty good, right?”
I may even get into a drunken argument with a stranger to defend your gay honor, and I’ll do it very loudly so that you can hear that I was there for you.
“Who the hell do you think you are calling him a name? You don’t call people that. We live in America, asshole. You will be accepting of him or you can leave America, got it jerk?!”
“Hey relax, buddy, you misunderstood me. I said ‘Hey, look over there, it’s Bob Saget.’ Bob Saget is at the bar. Relax.”
“I don’t care WHO is at the bar, you don’t call my friend names, okay? He is human and American — he’s Human-American and he has rights like his CIVIL RIGHTS!”
You know how excited you might get when you get a new black friend? Because maybe you haven’t had a black friend in a while and you’re really looking forward to it working out because everybody needs a black friend. And you want so much for the black person to accept you back, so you ham it up by trying to identify with the person and playing all of your black cards, as the case may be? You talk about The Jeffersons and Sanford and Son and maybe you afford yourself the liberty to talk a little more “street” than you ordinarily would. You might say “DY-NO-MITE!” a lot and even sing the Living Single theme song just to be entertaining. I have a similar level of excitement about gay people when I’m drunk. I assure you, my heart is in the right place, I do believe in the goodness of the gays and I just want to be friends. Anyway, I felt I should give you fair warning in case you are gay and in case you have the grave misfortune of being located anywhere in my vicinity when I am drunk.
