June 27th, 2009
Silly Rabbit Highschools 4 Kids
Highschools might be 4 kids, but a little room should be left for the writer of this congratulatory message:
I wonder what the cheerleaders look like at Silly Rabbit High…
[c] 2009 Russ of America
December 20th, 2008
Fuck “An Historic”
There’s this bullshit rule in English where if you use the word “historic” you apparently have to use the word “an” before it. Newscasters love to do this as though they are flaunting their English prowess over you. Where it comes up most is in the phrase “This was an historic event.”
Seriously? “An historic event”?! This violates every other rule of English that you were taught. If a word begins with a vowel sound, you use “an”. Examples: “It was an honor.” “It was an exciting time.” If the word is preceded by a consonant sound, you would use “a”. Examples: “It was a dog.” “It was a little man.” What the fuck are people saying “an historic event” for? Would I ever say, “The perpetrator was an Hispanic”?! No! He probably WAS an Hispanic, but I wouldn’t say it like that. How about “The salad was an healthy choice.” Fuck that! Sometimes we say “It was an honor” but the word “honor” begins with an “O” sound, not an “H” sound. Historic begins with a H, so be a fucking woman and man and stand up to those dipshit conservative English majors who insist upon nonsensical counter-intuitive English rules such as “an historic.” It’s nonsense!
UPDATE: February 26, 2009 – CNN – Anderson Cooper quotes Representative Eliot Engel (D) who says at approx 1:09 of this clip: “In such a historic and wonderful celebration of American democracy… I am sorry he is so jaded.” So jaded? That Anderson Cooper uses “a historic” instead of “an historic”? No, that’s not what the representative said at all, but isn’t it interesting that someone else is bucking that stupid “an historic” convention? Fuck it!!
[c] 2008 Russ of America
August 16th, 2008
Joining The Hells Angels
Lately, I’ve been thinking about joining a gang. I jotted down the pros and cons of a few of my gang options and I’ve chosen to set up with a motorcycle gang instead of with a typical street gang. Motorcycle gangs are full of dudes about my age, so we’ll have a lot in common. They’re family oriented, tough, the average guy is probably not going to mess with you, and you don’t have to live in a bad neighborhood or do drive-bys if you don’t want to. And you get a 401k and prepaid dental. Did you know that? I’m sold!
Of the myriad available motorcycle gangs, I decided that the Hells Angels is where it’s at. If I’m going to join a motorcycle gang, I want to join the one with the best brand recognition. Hells Angels is the Coca Cola of motorcycle gangs. The Mongols, I guess, are Pepsi and even though I prefer Pepsi to Coke because it tastes better, I really believe that you either join the most popular gang (Coke) or no gang at all (Pepsi, Shasta, Tab). So I’m going with the Hells Angels (Coke).
But as I was riding down there today to fill out my application paperwork, W-4 and I-9, I pulled over to the shoulder when I realized that there was no way I could join the Hells Angels. Oh believe-you-me, It wasn’t fear! Russ of America is afraid of nothing! But it hit me like a ton of bricks that I couldn’t join the Hells Angels because of the faulty, and grossly ambiguous punctuation in their club’s name. Are they saying that hell *is* angels? What does that mean? That angels are annoying and it’s hell hanging with them? That hell is made of angels? I thought hell was made of sinners. Is the gang saying that the members are angels from multiple hells? Angels from a singular hell? Are they trying to say that of the shitstrom that pours out of hell, that they are better than the rest? Can they really consider themselves 1%ers if that’s the case? And What happens when hell freezes over? Is it a singular hell, or do hells freeze over?
I imagine that the whole club is probably locked in some sort of blood-thirsty theological debate about this very topic. I mean, has the club unwittingly pitted polytheism against monotheism? Is it deliberate? Which theology does the gang support? This confusion really has to affect everyone involved in this gang at the core of their deepest-held beliefs and I would imagine they’re all at odds with one another, back-biting and being disloyal and that’s not very attractive to me.
I’m definitely not a big fan of ambiguity, but bad grammar is a total deal-breaker!
I couldn’t go home empty handed though, so on my way back I joined the Birthday Club at Baskin-Robbins where I know what kind of gangsta treats to expect.
[c] 2008 Russ of America
