Winter’s coming, and you know what that means, don’t you genius? It means that it’s gonna get cold. I’ll give you a moment to collect yourself for not having known that winter = cold.
This year, instead of being a Greedy Gus** and wasting precious coal and gas and oil and electricity to heat your ridiculously huge McMansion or whatever tiny shithole you live in, why not just suck it up and Read more
Getting water to major metropolitan areas such as Los Angeles is no joke. It requires a big, old, failing infrastructure, pushed to its limits with the influx of new dreamy-eyed residents into Southern California each year. To make matters worse, SoCal wants to be a desert. That’s its natural state. So it’s no surprise that residents are experiencing the panic and discomfort of its perpetual drought. Naturally, our state leaders wait until June to amp up awareness and pepper the airwaves with water conservation PSAs in a futile hope that people will realize how serious our annual water shortage is and then cooperate. Of course, by June it’s Read more
Caring about your environment isn’t limited to recycling and alternative fuels. Caring about your environment includes the aesthetics as well. Nothing kills the spirit of a good neighborhood like graffiti, but police department resources are often incapable of making graffiti enforcement a priority, especially in bigger cities where more serious crimes are being committed. So it is important that citizens Read more
Don’t eat like a slob and you won’t use as many napkins.
Use your fork to put food IN your mouth instead of just mashing it into the general vicinity. When you stop eating by the handful, that’s when the real impact to paper napkins is seen.
If you like to have sex with the lights on, consider switching to compact fluorescent bulbs, which can save up to 75% of the energy required to light an incandescent bulb of comparable illumination.
Alternatively, it is an even greener practice to continue to have sex with the lights off, which should be mandatory for most of you.
If you’ve gotten pregnant by accident and you’re on the fence about what to do, remember that abortion is the most environmentally responsible choice. The termination of an accidental pregnancy will really save a lot of natural resources and will help to protect our pristine wetlands. If you’re not sure, think about all the diapers you would have tossed nonchalantly into a landfill. And all of those plasticized Capri Sun packets and Chocodile wrappers, and the batteries you would have bought for all of his stupid toys. And once he was old enough to drink Red Bull, think of all the cans he’d simply toss away because he was too drunk to know better. And all of the menthol cigarette butts that would end up in the storm drain and the quarts of dirty motor oil he’d abandon behind the AutoZone, and electricity and water he’d waste. And you know that because you didn’t raise him right, one day this little macho jerk will one day want to drive the biggest gas-guzzling sport-futility vehicle in America.
While the religious are correct that the immortal soul is created with the first cell division, The soul can’t die, right? So we’re good! Fuck it! Pull the plug on that gurgling blemish before he can fuck up our glorious nation! It’s the responsible thing to do. : D
Please help to reduce our dependence on foreign oil. It’s important that you use water-based jack-off cremes instead of ones with petroleum bases. It’s also important that you tell your congressional representative that you are opposed to off-shore drilling because you have plenty of stars-and-stripes, union-friendly jack-off options here at home.