Russ Carney of America

Ah yes! Good news! Millions of people around the earth are still asking lots of questions about all-things jackoff! Fortunately they have at their disposal this fine blog as expert resource material. I am a man of integrity, honesty and beard and it is through my beard that I read these questions which top-tier search engines feel are best fielded by me. And thus for the fourth time, I again address your most pressing recent jackoff queries.

Q: jack off-pork
R: First of all, stealing is wrong, so you shouldn’t jack anybody’s off-pork. Secondly, don’t eat off-pork. It’ll make you sick.

Q: can you jack off with external use only
R: Almost exclusively. … Click Here to Read On! …

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Heterosexual Male Assplay Primer
By Russ Carney of America

If you are a sexually active heterosexual man, at some point in your life you will meet a nice young lady who will want to put something in your ass. Most often it’s a finger or two, but it’s quite possible that one day she’ll hint about bubble plugs and strap-ons.

Unless you had cool parents who gave you The Talk on heterosexual assplay, you may have reservations about this sort of activity and wonder if letting your girlfriend put objects in your butt de facto makes you gay. I can assure you that the answer is no, or, more honestly, the answer is maybe. But let’s not get so hung up on the pink area of maybe, I can help you to define the black and whiteness of heterosexual male assplay. Firstly though I want to mention that … Click Here to Read On! …

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A loyal reader of 400% More Jackoff Magic has asked me for some advice. He queries:

Dear Mr. Carney of America,
If I get really drunk and wake up with a penis in my mouth, am I gay? Yeah, ok, that’s pretty gay, but what if it’s a female penis?

 

Confused from Oklahoma

Dear Oklahoma,
I want to remind you of legendary Led Zeppelin drummer, John Bonham. He woke up one morning from a night of heavy drinking with a pool of vomit in his mouth. But you know what? … Click Here to Read On! …

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This Rambo post has nothing to do with the ridiculous sequel numbering as exposed in The Rambonacci Sequence.

Okay, so last night while flipping channels I caught a glimpse of the final five minutes of one of the earlier films starring Sylvester Stallone in the role of a guy named John Rambo. Anyways, it was really sexually gay because he’s … Click Here to Read On! …

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I’m cordially invited to join your fantasy football league?
When I think of Fantasy Football, I envision a bunch of hot chicks in Sailor Moon outfits tumbling over each other in mud.
Are you talking about that, or that weird homo-erotic thing that guys get really obsessed about each year?
I mean, what’s the fantasy if it’s just the same jerks playing stupid ol’ football?
There’s gotta be at least one ball-gag and a horsetail ass dildo to make it a real fantasy.
It’s the 21st century, people…

[c] 2008 Russ of America

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