It’s a pretty good life motto as far as life mottoes go, I think. Way better than “Look Before You Leap” or some bullshit like that.
Keep It Moist covers a lot of ground. The most important thing if you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere is to find a supply of water. You can last a lot longer without food than you can without water. Want to keep yourself looking young? Keep your skin hydrated by drinking lots of water. Do you binge drink and … Click Here to Read On! …
My name is Russ of America and I run the 400% More Jackoff Magic humor blog. You may have heard of me from such blogs as this one. I’ve been doing a little research on my blog statistics recently, (a self-indulgent marketing activity practiced by most bloggers,) and I noticed some trends in the kinds of queries people are entering into search engines. To be more helpful to my visitors, and to potentially encourage them to read more of the crass, puerile, sardonic, pseudo-intellectual humor I’ve written on this site, I thought I might invest a few moments to address some of your interests.
Here are some of the top search queries and my helpful responses.
Q: man jack off
R: Yes, it’s probably safe to say that he did. Approximately 63% of men admitted to it in a 1994 study. 63%, that is, if you believe the veracity of sex statistics.
Q: smoke pot and jack off
R: You probably could, depending on the laws in your area, but many cities aren’t as pot-friendly as others, and masturbating while smoking marijuana could pose a fire hazard. If you are going to engage in this kind of risky behavior, it’s important that you exercise some basic fire safety precautions. Keep a fireproof ashtray handy, be sure that you have an emergency escape plan, and be sure that your fire extinguisher is functional and fully charged. Use the buddy system, and don’t be caught unprepared.
Q: the best jack off method
R: It’s a matter of personal preference, but if I were you, I’d invest in an inversion table or similar jackoff aid. It’s difficult to explain, but there’s something about inverting your balls that can really pump out about 35% more pleasure units during your jackoff. Of course you need to check with your doctor before beginning any new jackoff regimen, and be sure that she deems you fit enough to use an inversion table. While at the doctor’s office you may want to double-check that you’re not suffering from cryptorchidism or retractile testicle as these can affect jackoff pleasure.
Q: how to jack off more than once
R: After you jack off, jack off again.
Q: i jack off a lot
R: That’s not a question. You’re bragging.
Q: what is the perfect way to jack off
R: It depends on what you are into. Do you like candles? Soft music? Techno? Montel Williams? Watching Tombstone? There are no rules or limits. Just strap yourself into the inversion table, jerk that pistol and go to work. You know, skin that smoke wagon and see what happens. Obviously I prefer Tombstone.
Q: jack off sock
R: That’s a totally legitimate and environmentally aware method, for sure. It’s certainly a more green approach than using disposable tissue after each emission. You could also make a Fifi or Fifi Bag, but unless you reuse or re-purpose the latex glove, there is no improvement to the environment.
Q: jackoff tips
R: Here are some good tips: Lock the door. Make sure nobody’s around. Be comfortable with your body. Do what feels good without inflicting your beliefs on others. Don’t break the law. Maintain a neutral pH. Stay away from rubber bands. Keep it moist.
Q: jackoff in toilet
R: It’s possible. Many people try this, but ultimately get bored of it as it’s not a very comfortable position. If you do this, try to avoid wasting water unless it is necessary to protect your privacy.
Q: old guy jackoff
R: He might, but not as often as he used to.
Q: nadya suleman toes
R: As a taxpayer who is helping to [cough cough] foot the bill for her fourteen children, your query is offensive to me.
Okay, if I’ve helped you out in any way, I’d appreciate if you’d tell your friends about my site and visit often. Create an account, login, participate.
Your pal of America.
DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved and completely natural activities.
I’ve been reading news articles lately about a single Californian woman, Nadya Suleman, who had octuplets because allegedly she was obsessed with the idea of having children. She’d contracted with doctors to provide her with in vitro fertility treatment and had six embryos implanted in her womb. It deserves to be mentioned that she already had 6 children. There has been a lot of talk about the ethical nature of this arrangement and whether or not doctors violated common sense or medical guidelines in their treatment of her, but I’m not going to get involved in all of that because I’m not so good with debate and I don’t figure that her silly behavior really concerns me.
What I am concerned with is a very valuable story that I need to impart upon you. Like Nadya Suleman, I’ve made some interesting decisions in my life recently. I began a high-protein, low carb, low fiber diet. I’ve been snacking on a ridiculous amount of cheese and meat, drinking a lot of tea, coffee, soda and alcohol, and I’ve not been adhering to my life motto, to “keep it moist”. I’ve always thought that was a pretty good life motto as far as life mottoes go.
I’m not going to give you all of the details of my tale, because it’s quite lengthy for a blog and is more suitable only for a discriminating, understanding, non-judgmental and very generous paying audience — possibly someone who might watch a movie of the week — but I will tell you that I had a recent medical emergency deserving of national attention. I had the misfortune to deliver a breached birth of the waste variety. I awoke one morning prepared for my morning constitutional but was unable to produce because of severe dehydration. I administered an emergency Fleet enema to no success and my body began to cramp painfully in anticipation of relief, forcing me into excruciating contortions upon the floor of my water closet. I wailed in great pain that someone might come to my rescue.
If not for the grace of God, the experimental acupressure treatments administered by my quick-thinking girlfriend, (who had access to a wiki article on constipation,) and the forcing of water into my colon, I easily could have died right there on the recently Swiffered vinyl, yet another victim of irresponsible dietary choices and the violent deuce-oriented repercussions of my decisions.
The full story takes the viewer back to my youth when I first experienced painful rectal blockage, and it continues into my current adult life where I have occasionally endured the persecution of dense brick-house dumps. My tale is a rich one indeed and I’m sure that you will agree that I need to get my story out to any and everybody who could possibly identify with me. To this extent, I am willing to sell the rights to my deuce exclusive for a paltry $2,000,000.00 USD.
Please feel free to contact me through this blog so that we can arrange for the transfer of the funds. After the funds clear I will impart upon you the most wicked tale of toilet woe, a story so gruesome your toes will curl and you will pop a hemorrhoid purely out of sympathy for me. I accept PayPal.
