Russ Carney of America

Here’s my pitch for the ultimate reality show: MACHO MAN

LAND
* A few dozen guys are thrown into the North American wilderness. Somewhere in the Yukon, I’d guess.
* Their first challenge will be to grow a mustache, like the old Brawny paper towel man. It’s got to be a good gay disco mustache or they’re tossed off of the show. “Anytime, Sal!”
* Surviving on their wits, their ability to eat bugs and rotting carcasses, to fish, build shelter, light fires and make weapons, they must try to not die in the forest. If they have to cuddle with each other to stay warm, so be it.
* If lucky, they will travel from the Yukon to the heart of Alaska where, if their skills of navigation have prevailed, they will arrive at our first checkpoint. Here the macho candidates will fell ten old-growth trees and prepare them for removal from the forest. Ah, but it’s old-sk00l felling! Axes and traditional saws — no power tools. They’ll definitely have to work together as lovers if they want to clear the forest.
* Those who don’t die from the tree felling will continue their trek until they reach our second challenge: To raise and train … Click Here to Read On! …

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I do not follow sports. Amateur, professional, it doesn’t matter ‘cuz I don’t follow them. I never did. The closest I ever got to following sports is with MMA. I love the UFC.

The English football club Arsenal was the talk of the Twitter-town a few weeks ago and I thought, as I always do when I hear their name: What a great fucking name for a sports club! It’s the kind of name that makes me want to watch football just so I can root for them. Go Arsenal! I’d wear the jersey and everything. Paint the club name on my car, too. They’re named after a cabinet full of guns! Cannons, bombs, black powder kegs!
“Don’t open that cabinet!”
“Why not? What’s inside?”
“It’s an arsenal!”
“Of what?”
“GUNS!”
“Aaaaaiiiiggh! We’re gonna die!”

It’s a way better name than anything America has come up with in sports. Especially in baseball. The name Arsenal is way tougher than “The Cubs” or “White Sox.” Really? There’s a team called the White Sox? What the fuck do … Click Here to Read On! …

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Russ of America’s Green Earth Tips

3)
If you’ve gotten pregnant by accident and you’re on the fence about what to do, remember that abortion is the most environmentally responsible choice. The termination of an accidental pregnancy will really save a lot of natural resources and will help to protect our pristine wetlands. If you’re not sure, think about all the diapers you would have tossed nonchalantly into a landfill. And all of those plasticized Capri Sun packets and Chocodile wrappers, and the batteries you would have bought for all of his stupid toys. And once he was old enough to drink Red Bull, think of all the cans he’d simply toss away because he was too drunk to know better. And all of the menthol cigarette butts that would end up in the storm drain and the quarts of dirty motor oil he’d abandon behind the AutoZone, and electricity and water he’d waste. And you know that because you didn’t raise him right, one day this little macho jerk will one day want to drive the biggest gas-guzzling sport-futility vehicle in America.

While the religious are correct that the immortal soul is created with the first cell division, The soul can’t die, right? So we’re good! Fuck it! Pull the plug on that gurgling blemish before he can fuck up our glorious nation! It’s the responsible thing to do. : D

[c] 2008 Russ of America

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