I attended my Bebbeboo’s nephew’s Tee-Ball game a few weeks ago. The team was comprised of kids 4-7yrs old. I don’t know how to describe the experience other than as “frustrating hilarity”.
One tee-ball kid was OCDing over a patch of dirt. I’m pretty sure that he was sorting pebbles alphabetically. Every time my eyes would check up on him, it was obvious that he had zero interest in the game that was going on around him. His dispassion fueled lengthy debates about his commitment to the sport and triggered arguments speculating as to his ability to perform the sport. At some point, because of his intent gaze and furious digging, I became certain that he … Click Here to Read On! …
Middle names can be fun. I don’t have a great middle name and I know a few people who have no middle name at all. Their parents probably thought that two names were sufficient. “We gave you a first name, we gave you a last name, we fed you until you were 18, now get the hell out of our house, you bastard.”
Parents sometimes give their kids stodgy lame-ass first names like Brock, Bradford or Benton, but to make up for that stale business, certain parents give them a middle name more appropriate for a party college, like Keanu or Rain or Primadonna or something. The kid will likely use his regular name for most of his life, but just before heading out to UCSB he’ll decide that instead of being known as Tim, he’s going to be known as Shilo for the rest of his life, because that’s his middle name and he and his folks really bonded over Neil Diamond. Okay. It’s fair. That’s why you were given three names, I guess. So you could bow-out if your first name makes you feel like … Click Here to Read On! …
Printed on the back of a box of Band-Aids™ is the clear warning that Band-Aid™ Brand bandages are for external use only. That’s a lesson I learned many years ago:
Russ: Hey dah.
Dad: Hey son, what’s the matter?
Russ: I rimpa fycrah iha mou.
Dad: You lit a firecracker in your mouth?
Russ: Raa. Ra a gah mou fu Ban-Ay™
Dad: And now you’ve got a mouth full of Band-Aids™? You take those out immediately! Band-Aids™ are for external use only!
Russ: Oay…
As summer turns to fall, I think of all the people who might be visiting their local parks, maybe getting a little time on those ancient splintery see-saws. The worst thing in the world would be to take a sliver of wood right up your ass and potentially bleed to death. If you DO happen to take a sliver of wood right up your ass, your first instinct after waddling home will probably be to slap some Band-Aids™ along the inside of your rectal wall to stop the bleeding. BUT DON’T DO THAT! Band-Aids™ are for external use only.
