*I* don’t see what the problem is, but “cunt” is a word nobody in America wants you to use. But I LOVE the word! I think it’s a great serrated, vicious word and it has a very important place in my linguistic arsenal. I tend to use it whenever I need an eye-opening vulgarity. It’s the kind of word that smacks you right across the back of your head. But only if you live in America. People in England apparently use it with virtually no repercussion, “Oh go take a bloody barth, you soppy little cunt!” But in America “cunt” is equivalent to the N-word for women. If you call a woman a cunt, you’re … Click Here to Read On! …
If you ever have a dream where you’re entering a restroom, I’m telling ya, this is an official admonishment: DO NOT GO INTO THE RESTROOM, because I guarantee that you’ll wake up soaked in piss. I can’t stress this enough if you sleep with another human being in your bed. DON’T GO IN! WAKE THE FUCK UP!!
I have a weakness: if I’m playing Scrabble and I can spell a naughty word, like sex, dick, cunt or fucker, I’m going to, even if there is another word that will give me quintuple the value of points. Winning isn’t everything to me.
Not sure about you, but I’m not always in a bloody rush to get to Starbucks so I can juice myself up with caffeine, run bollocks errands and sit in traffic. Sometimes I take it slow. Real slow. Not when I walk, because I do that fast, because ostensibly I’m trying to get somewhere, yes? But if I’m lazing about the domicile or such, and I have to paint the porcelain yellow, I don’t mind sitting down for a few seconds and flipping through the National Geo. Sometimes I like a nice, leisurely no-pressure leak and I like to sit down to do it. Is that a problem? Is that effeminate? Don’t I have a choice? Didn’t you ever take a leak while standing, and it was so rewarding that your eyes rolled back into your head and you got dizzy and had to brace yourself against the wall? Sure, maybe you were drunk at the time, but still, didn’t it feel good? Wouldn’t it have felt better if you were seated? You probably wouldn’t know because you were too afraid of the implications to your masculinity to try it.
I definitely don’t have to sit while peeing. I definitely don’t do it all the time. I do it on nice quiet occasions. I certainly can pee standing up and I have for decades. In my lifetime micturation narrative, I’ve peed in urinals, toilets and troughs. I’ve wizzed on walls, in bushes and on cars. Empty polystyrene cups, Gatorade, Mickey’s Malt Liquor and Olde English 800 bottles have all proven to be precious porta-pisspots in a pinch. I’ve made water in the sink, in the tub, off of the porch, the roof, in a parking garage, and into a floor drain. I’ve peed in the snow, the dirt, the grass, into fire, the ocean, a box of cat litter, a hole in the ground, in outhouses and I’ve even pissed while in motion, walking down the middle of the bloody street late at night. And I did it all while standing up. So I have some manner of expertise on the issue and I am willing to be the beacon of acceptance in a foggy sea of sexist stereotypes. If you are a man and you wish to have a leisurely slash while sitting on a toilet, that’s abso-fucking-lutely okay. Take your time in life. Relax. Set a spell. Just don’t fall into the toilet bowl.
Today I wished a co-worker “All My Best” when what I really meant to wish her was “Most of My Best.” I can’t give her all of my best, can I? This isn’t sports, so I don’t have to give 100% or more. And giving ALL of your best to a woman is usually reserved for a relationship, isn’t it? I’m not dating her and I don’t even WANT to date her – she’s mean! And even if I did want to date her I don’t think it would be a good idea to give a woman ALL of my best under ANY circumstances, and especially not this soon in our acquaintanceship.
Maybe over the course of thirty years it’s okay to give a woman ALL of your best but over thirty years you still probably only want to give her MOST of your best. That’s how you keep surprising her, right? By giving MOST, but not ALL, of your best?
“Hey baby, I brought in MOST of the groceries in for you.”
“Oh Russ, that’s so sweet! I’m glad you left some in the car because now it feels like I’m making a contribution to the household.”
“Whatevs.”
Even by giving MOST of your best you’re probably setting yourself up to disappoint her on a regular basis. For example, if you were to do your housework with MOST of your best effort, she’s going to expect you to do MOST of your best housework effort every Saturday. Even if it’s your Shabbat! So maybe what I meant to say to her was that I wish her “Some Of My Best” because I think that’s achievable and reasonable.
“Hey baby, even though it’s Saturday morning and you know I never do anything before 1:30 on Saturday because it’s my Shabbat, I wanted you to know that I put my beer cans in the recycling bin and I cleaned my piss off of the toilet seat.”
“Oh Russ, that’s so sweet! I know how you like to enjoy your Shabbat. Thank you for making that effort.”
“Whatevs.”
The point is that I may not give you ALL of my best, or even MOST of my best, but if I like you, you can definitely have a few scraps of SOME of my best. I hope you enjoy them. The rest of my best I save for myself. You can live with that, right?
Prone to over-analyze, I thought some more about this strange woman who got All My Best and I am confident that I don’t like her. She doesn’t deserve All My Best, Most of My Best or even Some Of My Best. She has earned the coveted spot in life where next time she will receive Absolutely None Of My Best, and that comes with extra piss on the toilet seat.
