The world’s most popular search engines send me tons of visitors who have tons of jackoff-related questions. Here are more examples of their helpless queries and my helpful replies:
Q: can i jackoff into your ass
R: No.
Q: how to suppress urge to jackoff
R: Try rubberbands.
Q: how to jackoff more than once
R: That’s easy — Jerk off a second time.
Q: can you get skinny if you jack off alot … Click Here to Read On! …
I have a fairly simple life motto:
Keep It Moist.
It’s a pretty good life motto as far as life mottoes go, I think. Way better than “Look Before You Leap” or some bullshit like that.
Keep It Moist covers a lot of ground. The most important thing if you’re stranded in the middle of nowhere is to find a supply of water. You can last a lot longer without food than you can without water. Want to keep yourself looking young? Keep your skin hydrated by drinking lots of water. Do you binge drink and … Click Here to Read On! …
Hi! It’s me again and I’m here with another exciting episode of Jackoff Queries. As you know from the last round, I check my blog stats often and I see a lot of questions from the various hapless wits who ask Google and Yahoo and Ask.com various jackoff-related questions. These poor souls wind up at my site in search of answers, since I made the grave mistake of satirically naming my blog 400% More Jackoff Magic. I’m not aware of any official body that oversees jackoff issues, so I have a sense of duty to try to address at least a few of the queries that find their way to my office. I would like to stress that my blog is not intended to deal with these issues full-time or on any regular basis. But, this is a humor blog, and I think this is pretty good fodder, in spite of how people are thrusting their jackoff onto me.
With no further ado, the second round of jackoff Q and A.
Q: how to jack off your dog
R: Whatever you do, don’t! What if he mauled you to death? You can’t get into heaven covered in dog spunk, (Leviticus 18:42). Or even worse, what if he mauled you to paralysis, but you were still living? Your parents would come home and you’d be covered in dog spunk and boy would YOU have some questions to answer! Also you don’t want to lose your dog’s respect. Jack off someone else’s dog if you have to, but only with the permission of the owner. And PETA.
Q: is it gay if jack off with a friend
R: Yes, but with an explanation. I’ve said numerous times that boys under the age of 12 are essentially gay. That tends to change upon reaching puberty when their voices change, they start acting a little cooler and don’t dress and sound like an overzealous fairy anymore. I think young men should be afforded carte blanche gayness until they turn 18, when they can reset their sexuality clocks. But that’s your only shot. After that, if you’re jacking off with other guys watching, you’re gay forever!
Q: how to get your friend to jack off with you
R: Communication.
Q: i need a buddy to jack off with
R: Good news, the guy right before you seems receptive. I’ll put you two in touch.
Q: magic jack off
R: Yapple dapple!
Q: what happens if you jackoff to much?
R: You’ll be late for school.
Q: jack off only while sitting down
R: I’m not a big fan of accepting anecdotal evidence for matters of science — things related to the supernatural, mysterious power of the mind, alternative medicine, etc — but this is exactly the kind of question that can be answered by your own anecdotal evidence without searching for an official ruling online. Did you try it? Did it work for you? Great. That’s jackoff science.
Q: how to get the most pleasure jacking off
R: Flex really hard, then stick your finger in your navel and sniff it. Spank your buttcheek eight times, stand up really quickly and sit down again. That should do the trick.
Q: bouncy balls up anus
R: Seriously? How did you manage to pull that one off?
Q: smoking weed vs masturbating
R: I didn’t think that it was ever a competition, but if I had to recommend one, I’d probably go with masturbating. Especially if you have a mid-term coming up.
Q: nadya suleman toes
R: This question again? Who the hell keeps looking for her toes?
Q: jerking off with my doctor
R: I’m pretty sure they’re not allowed to do that. It may not be explicitly stated in the oath, but I’m sure that it’s implied.
Q: what happen after you jack off
R: I pray that she doesn’t wake up right away.
Q: ways to jackoff on an exercise ball
R: Sorry chief, there’s only one way to jackoff on an exercise ball. Any other way is wrong and you need to stop doing it.
Q: do you have to jerk off at the doctors
R: No, it’s totally optional. But if you do, they’ll refund your co-pay.
DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved, immoral and completely natural activities.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
Hello!
My name is Russ of America and I run the 400% More Jackoff Magic humor blog. You may have heard of me from such blogs as this one. I’ve been doing a little research on my blog statistics recently, (a self-indulgent marketing activity practiced by most bloggers,) and I noticed some trends in the kinds of queries people are entering into search engines. To be more helpful to my visitors, and to potentially encourage them to read more of the crass, puerile, sardonic, pseudo-intellectual humor I’ve written on this site, I thought I might invest a few moments to address some of your interests.
Here are some of the top search queries and my helpful responses.
Q: smoke pot and jack off
R: You probably could, depending on the laws in your area, but many cities aren’t as pot-friendly as others, and masturbating while smoking marijuana could pose a fire hazard. If you are going to engage in this kind of risky behavior, it’s important that you exercise some basic fire safety precautions. Keep a fireproof ashtray handy, be sure that you have an emergency escape plan, and be sure that your fire extinguisher is functional and fully charged. Use the buddy system, and don’t be caught unprepared.
Q: the best jack off method
R: It’s a matter of personal preference, but if I were you, I’d invest in an inversion table or similar jackoff aid. It’s difficult to explain, but there’s something about inverting your balls that can really pump out about 35% more pleasure units during your jackoff. Of course you need to check with your doctor before beginning any new jackoff regimen, and be sure that she deems you fit enough to use an inversion table. While at the doctor’s office you may want to double-check that you’re not suffering from cryptorchidism or retractile testicle as these can affect jackoff pleasure.
Q: how to jack off more than once
R: After you jack off, jack off again.
Q: i jack off a lot
R: That’s not a question. You’re bragging.
Q: what is the perfect way to jack off
R: It depends on what you are into. Do you like candles? Soft music? Techno? Montel Williams? Watching Tombstone? There are no rules or limits. Just strap yourself into the inversion table, jerk that pistol and go to work. You know, skin that smoke wagon and see what happens. Obviously I prefer Tombstone.
Q: jack off sock
R: That’s a totally legitimate and environmentally aware method, for sure. It’s certainly a more green approach than using disposable tissue after each emission. You could also make a Fifi or Fifi Bag, but unless you reuse or re-purpose the latex glove, there is no improvement to the environment.
Q: jackoff tips
R: Here are some good tips: Lock the door. Make sure nobody’s around. Be comfortable with your body. Do what feels good without inflicting your beliefs on others. Don’t break the law. Maintain a neutral pH. Stay away from rubber bands. Keep it moist.
Q: jackoff in toilet
R: It’s possible. Many people try this, but ultimately get bored of it as it’s not a very comfortable position. If you do this, try to avoid wasting water unless it is necessary to protect your privacy.
Q: old guy jackoff
R: He might, but not as often as he used to.
Q: nadya suleman toes
R: As a taxpayer who is helping to [cough cough] foot the bill for her fourteen children, your query is offensive to me.
Okay, if I’ve helped you out in any way, I’d appreciate if you’d tell your friends about my site and visit often. Create an account, login, participate.
Your pal of America.
DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved and completely natural activities.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
