In the future a douchebag family will name their kid Tyler-Connor Hunter-Dylan.
A fun game I play: When I’m in a very crowded place with lots of families (Disneyland and such) I like to randomly shout out “Tyler!” “Connor!” “Hunter!” or “Dylan!” just to see how many people turn to look, thinking that I’m calling them.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
Middle names can be fun. I don’t have a great middle name and I know a few people who have no middle name at all. Their parents probably thought that two names were sufficient. “We gave you a first name, we gave you a last name, we fed you until you were 18, now get the hell out of our house, you bastard.”
Parents sometimes give their kids stodgy lame-ass first names like Brock, Bradford or Benton, but to make up for that stale business, certain parents give them a middle name more appropriate for a party college, like Keanu or Rain or Primadonna or something. The kid will likely use his regular name for most of his life, but just before heading out to UCSB he’ll decide that instead of being known as Tim, he’s going to be known as Shilo for the rest of his life, because that’s his middle name and he and his folks really bonded over Neil Diamond. Okay. It’s fair. That’s why you were given three names, I guess. So you could bow-out if your first name makes you feel like … Click Here to Read On! …
INT. TATTOO PARLOR - EVENING
MAKAELAH, 18, and ASHLEIGH, 18 1/2, titter and enter Thor’s
Tattoo Parlor. THOR, early 60s, has a bit of a rockabilly
look to him, with full sleeve tattoos.
THOR
Hello ladies. May I help you?
ASHLEIGH
(tittering)
My friend here would like a tattoo.
MAKAELAH
Oh my god, stop lying, slut!
ASHLEIGH
You’re a slut!
... Click Here to Read On! ...
I think Whoops is a great name for a kid.
Whoops Big Disappointment Johansen. Or whatever your last name is.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
Okay, this is the Official Pretentious Names Directory. Please feel free to make submissions. Join my blog today and post a follow-up with your pretentious names ideas. Pretentious names often moonlight as stripper-names. Coincidence? I’m not sure!
I’m starting off with a small list because I’m lazy and I need your input. Join my blog today!!
I see this project as starting off small and quickly winding up as the Wikipedia of pretentious names. So let’s get to work, yeah? You want to be in on this grass-roots movement at the ground level. And other assorted trite phrases. Now before you write in all pissed-off because I listed your kid’s name, please suppress your urges, because I think if you were honest with yourself you’d agree that I am right.
Addison
Aidan (and similar)
Asher
Ashleigh (this particular spelling is still ultra-pretentious, but accepted is any other spelling than the generally approved stripper-name “Ashley”)
Bailey
Brayden (and similar)
Bree / Bre / Bri / Brie (and derivations)
Brooklyn (if you’re not actually from Brooklyn)
Britney / Brittany / Bryttyny (and derivations)
Campbell
Conner
Dakota
Dylan
Hayley
Hunter
Jace
Jaden
Kaylie (and derivations)
Kaelah (and derivations)
Kimber
Tyler
Mackenzie
Madison
Odessa
Paige
Paris
Piper
Rylan
Savannah (that’s a porn name, dude)
Sienna
Riley
Skyler / Skylar
Trinity
Zoe
Go!
[c] 2008 Russ of America
