Tag Archive for rap

Eazy-E vs William Shakespeare

“I look you dead in the eye,
Then I spit.
I tell you to your face,
Punk, you ain’t shit!'”
– Eazy-E / Two Hard Muthas

 

“I do defy him,
And I spit at him;
Call him a slanderous coward
And a villain!”
– William Shakespeare / King Richard II

 

I wish I could remember the name of the person who first brought this bizarre parallel to my attention, but I can’t. However, I first learned of it circa 1996, so I’ve been aware of it for at least a decade and a half, and I’ve always appreciated the intellect that was able to bring these two circles together in this weird hip-hop/literature Venn diagram. Thanks, stranger! And honestly, if you’re looking for something to punch up your cardio workout, I’m gonna suggest you go with Eazy-E. If you’re looking for something to make your hips and/or brain bigger, go with Shakespeare.

 



 

 

[c] 2012 Russ of America

 

Dude, Your Rhymes Are Pretty Wack!

Zach once told me, candidly, in front of RayRayUSA, senxually, in the dark, in the back seat of a drunken bus ride somewhere on an Alaskan highway, that I should seriously consider a career in freestyle rap because I’m “really quick and intelligent” and I “can improvise”.  It’s true that I’m quick, intelligent and can improvise, so the only conclusion drawn by Zach’s executive-level reasoning mechanism, was that I should be encouraged immediately to “be a freestyle rapper!”

 

In spite of my protests and humbled pleas that I was in no way capable of being a freestyle rapper because my skills of quickness are in humor, not in freestyle rap, and that freestyle rap required a skill-set and talent base greater than and/or different from that which I possessed, Zach ignored me and insisted that I get excited about pursuing this new dream that he had for me.  He showed me the ease at which this musical form is created, through his own demonstration of freestyle rap.  And although Ray mercilessly crushed Zach’s confidence when he told Zach, “Dude, your rhymes are pretty wack!”  I think I shall choose to focus on the positive, agree with Zach and I’m going to give it a try with my first-ever freestyle rap.  Are you ready?!

 

I know that I’m sort of cheating because I’m writing it down, but I assure you that this is on the up-and-up:  I’m freestyling here and I’m going to write down whatever comes to mind.  Okay?  Here we go.

 

Uh!
1-2
1-2
Yeah.
Yeah.

 

I’m Count Dracula
I’m Scott Bacula
I’m redactin’ ya.
Re-enactin’ ya.

 

I’m really dangerous
Like a manger, miss
Don’t really think that
Y’all can handle this.

 

Killing suckas like flies
You’re knowing that I’m wise
I’m baking haters like pies…

 

WHAT THE FUCK?!  BAKING HATERS LIKE PIES?  I’VE NEVER “BAKED A HATER” — NOT EVEN LIKE A PIE!  I’VE NEVER “KILLED A SUCKA” EITHER.  I’M SUCH A PHONY!  HOW CAN I SIT HERE AND CLAIM TO BE STUFF THAT I’VE NEVER BEEN?  I’VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING WRONG TO ANYBODY.  I GOT CAUGHT STEALING FROM A TOY STORE WHEN I WAS 9 AND EVER SINCE THEN I’VE BEEN A PRETTY GOOD KID ALWAYS TRYING TO FOLLOW THE RULES.  SO WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO SAY?  THAT I USED TO LIE A LOT ABOUT MY HOMEWORK AND I USED TO HIDE MY REPORT CARD ALL THE TIME AND I CHEATED AT CAROMS A BUNCH OF TIMES?

 

Zach, no offense buddy, but you really need to shove this idea right up your ass.

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America

Heart Attack

HEART ATTACK

 

RUSS: [on drums] Hey, so guys, I just wrote a new song and I’m pretty proud about it and I thought that maybe we could run through it a couple of times.
OMID: [on guitar] Cool, let’s hear it.
RUSS: Well, I don’t have any music for it yet — all I have are the words and lyrics. But I wrote most of it last night and I started thinking that it really has potential — With the right melody, and if we were to record it, and get some funding and a little distribution, we could probably get it out there and I don’t think we’d have any problem getting it played on KROQ or whatever.
JOHN: [on bass] Okay, well I’m sure we could come up with something. What’s the tempo?
RUSS: It’s a slower-tempo song. Kinda like this [plays drums]
GAM: [on guitar] A ballad? That’s an interesting choice for a debut song.
RUSS: Well it doesn’t have to be the debut necessarily, but since we weren’t recording anything…
JOHN: That’s a pretty slow beat. [plays bassline at double-time] How’s this?
RUSS: That’s a good riff. I dunno if it’ll work for the song though. I’ve never written a song this way before — what’s the best way to do this?
GAM: Well maybe you could read the lyrics and once we get a sense for the melody, then we could throw together some tunes.
RUSS: Just read the song?
OMID: Yeah, just do the beat, then read the first line and we’ll start working around it.
RUSS: Okay. [plays drums] “I gotta say that I love you girl…”
OMID: That’s an A-minor. Hang on. Take two. Start the beat again and we’ll do this in A-minor.
RUSS: I don’t know how to play the drums in A-minor — do I have to do anything special?
GAM: No, you just have to sing the lyrics once we get a handle on the melody. We’ll work through it in A-minor.

 

    HEART ATTACK

     

    Words and Lyrics by Russ Carney of America
    copyright 2008 All Rights Reserved

     

    I gotta say that I love u girl,
    U’re the greatest in the whole wide world.
    I wanna hold u in my loving arms
    And feel the warmth of ur tender charms.

     

    Can’t u see that I’m on my knees,
    I want to be with u forever, please.
    Cuz I really want to be with u,
    I wanna spend my whole life with u

     

    CHORUS
    I don’t really know just what I’d do
    If I couldn’t spend my life with u
    I really need to learn just how to act
    This kind of love is like a heart attack.

     

    I don’t really know just what I’d do
    If I couldn’t spend my life with u
    I really need to learn just how to act
    This kind of love is like a heart attack.

     

    RAP INTERLUDE:
    Dope! With a positive connotation
    I’m loving u with the sweet imagination
    Give you all my loving and u know that I’ll be strong
    If u let me love u girlie, all night long.
    I want to take u to my private hide-away
    And I have only one more thing to say
    When I hold you close to me and take u in my arms
    I feel ur tender charms, baby all night long!

     

    [REPEAT 1st VERSE]
    [CHORUS]
    [FADE OUT]

JOHN: [stops playing abruptly] I’m sorry… I’m sorry man. I just can’t play this.
[the other instruments begin to fizzle out too]
OMID: Yeah, me neither.
RUSS: What? What’s wrong?
GAM: Dude — This song fucking sucks.
RUSS: What?
GAM: It… fucking… sucks!
RUSS: What are you talking about?
OMID: Your song is lame. The beat is lame, the music is lame…
RUSS: Well YOU guys wrote the music.
JOHN: You know what we mean.
RUSS: No I don’t! Don’t tell me that I know what you mean. You said that the music sucked, but I didn’t write the music. I wrote the words and lyrics.
OMID: The lyrics are lame. Very fucking lame.
JOHN: [trying to be nice] They really are bad.
RUSS: What’s wrong with my words and lyrics?
GAM: I don’t know if you know what the word “bromidic” means, but the lyrics are bromidic.
OMID: Trite. It means basically the same thing as trite. Amateurish…
JOHN: Hackneyed. Cliché. Totally WACK!
GAM: Wiggity wack.
OMID: Like a heart attack.
GAM: [to Omid] That was good. I liked the tie in there.
RUSS: You guys don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.
JOHN: You rhymed arms with charms.
OMID: And girl with world; knees and please.
GAM: Dude, you put a fucking rap breakdown in a love ballad. What is this, the 80s? We’re in the 21st Century for Christ’s Sake. Were you thinking to yourself, gee, this song really needs a little of LL Cool J’s “I Need Love”
RUSS: Are you kidding? That rap is sweet!
OMID: No. It’s horrible. It’s absolutely horrible!
GAM: Are you even aware that you told us that you wrote the words and lyrics?
RUSS: Yes, so? I did write them.
GAM: Do you know that in the context of a song, the words *are* the lyrics?
RUSS: Sure.
JOHN: I don’t think you do.
OMID: No, he definitely doesn’t understand that.
RUSS: Look guys, fuck this shit. Man. I don’t need this shit. You guys can go fuck yourself. You never let me contribute anything to the group, and when I do, all you can do is fucking pick on me and tear apart my work. Well fuck you John, and Fuck You Omid, and fuck *YOU* Michael. I don’t need any of you, and you’re all FIRED! You’re all out of the band! [storms out of the studio.]

 

[everybody looks around somewhat somberly]

 

JOHN: He was a pretty shitty drummer.
OMID: Yeah, totally. And did he kick three people out of a four-person band? Can you do that?
GAM: I don’t think so. This is *my* garage. So shall we get back to jamming?

 

[They start playing again; the song they play sucks about as bad as Heart Attack.]

 

 

[c] 2008 Russ of America