Russ Carney of America

I was skulking in the dark on my enclosed patio when I saw a shadow walk past my patio door. I wondered how my neighbor would have felt if she knew that I was standing on the patio when she walked by, just sort of staring into the howly fog. “Arooooooooooo! Pretty creepy!” I mused. I thought about a few ways in which I could go about my life and really creep people out to the max at the same time. “It could be the new national pastime,” I suggested to whomever was listening. (Creepily, I was the only one listening.)

* Grow a beard. My beard is creepy. I scare children with my beard. Never let the fibers all be aligned in a single direction. I’m like Santa Claus when he was just an at-risk juvenile being sentenced to perpetual community service at Guantana-Norte Pole. Ta-daa! Hail Santa!
* When opening doors, open them just a crack. Look out with one eyeball for a few minutes to make sure the coast is clear. Once you’re reasonably sure the coast is clear, stick your head out and look back and forth, then back again, then forth, to ensure nobody’s there. If somebody is there, say “oh, excuse me!” and close and lock the door. Then open it back up a crack immediately and stare out with one eye. That’s entry-level creepy.
* While shopping at the supermarket, pick a thin, waifish white woman and follow her through the store. You’re not really doing anything wrong — you’re just picking up and investigating legitimate groceries that you might find in each of those aisles. But make sure that you walk down every aisle she does, and make sure you pick something off of the rack. If she looks at you, smile awkwardly until she looks away. That’s creepy.
* Whatever it is that you’re doing, do it extra slowly. Channel Jeff Goldblum in your endeavors. Do it with bugeyes and with slow, deliberate, oozy motions.
* If you’re pouring yourself a drink at a party, pick up the container, look at it, pick up your glass, look at it, pour the drink very slowly, look at it, measure it, look at it, comment on it, look at it, pour some more, look at it and measure it. Wipe the bottle with your finger, look at it, and then suck tenderly on your finger. And look at it.
* If you get caught looking at someone, look at them much harder, with a big sweetieboy smile on your face. Make the girl or boy think for sure that you were looking at them and only them. Point if you have to. That’s deliciously creepy.
* Before you say anything to anybody, smile at them for four seconds. One-two-three-four-now-talk-but-do-it-slowly-and-deliberately.
* If you have a cubicle, make sure to play a lot of 1970s porno-style music. Gyrate your hips whenever your victim walks by. Wink and say “Yes, it is.” That should confuse them.
* Before you leave the elevator, position yourself right against the crack of the door so those rude people who think they can get on before anybody else can leave, are met with a face-full of your face. Don’t be afraid to lick them, because they are your bitches.
* When meeting someone for the first time, it is okay to pretend to be a rabid dog-man and to nip at their heels.
* Listen to The Brady Kids’ top four or five hits all the time. Jan will take you to her sugar shoppe and you will say yes. That’s creepy.
* Eat marijuana candy for breakfast so that by lunch you are a jumbled mess of smiley, drooly, effusive goodness.
* Wear a cape, but also wear short pants. Spandex bicycle shorts are preferable. Ooze…
* When someone is talking to you, lick your lips a lot.
* Wink your eye at people a lot. Open your mouth slightly when you do.
* In public, suck on your index finger. Up to the third knuckle. Make eye contact with someone close by.
* When meeting a fair maiden, don’t kiss her hand, suck on her fingers for thirty seconds. Show her that you have no gag reflex.
* If you are a man, wear a sports bra. Whether you need one or not, that’s pretty creepy.
* Create your own sign language and use it during board meetings.
* Any time someone finishes a sentence you should pretend to shoot a pistol at them, and make a Kch! sound from the side of your mouth.
* Wear a necklace reminiscent of a voodoo pouch. The more feathers that stick out of it, the better.

There are definitely other things you will need to do to be extra-creepy and I will keep you apprised as my list grows.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

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By RUSS OF AMERICA
Russ of America News Network Staff Writer

NORTH POLE (ROANN) — At dawn today, international agents raided the sprawling North Pole compound of Santa Claus, culminating a lengthy investigation into a massive counterfeiting operation run from that region for decades. Authorities estimate that billions of pieces of electronic equipment, clothing, jewelry, housewares and toys are manufactured by the Claus cartel annually without permission, distribution rights, royalty remittances or licensing agreements. An investigating agent who did not want to be identified said, “The quality of [these] counterfeits is astounding. The average person would never know that the jeans she is wearing, or the HD television she is watching is a complete fake, but in fact, it is.”

Upon breach of the compound’s mammoth four-inch thick reinforced gingerbread security doors, agents discovered an army of people working at various stations. “I believe we may have a human trafficking component here. We have contacted some human rights organizations for an emergency response, but we are still trying to figure out if these people are even human and if they even qualify for assistance.”

When asked to estimate the annual financial loss, the unidentified agent Tariq Hasaan said, “Globally, probably in the [trillions of US dollars] range, so the impact of this counterfeiting crew is far-reaching and devastating to the global economy. We’re all aware of the state of the international economy, especially places like America and we see how people are struggling to pay their car notes and how they have to decide whether to pay full price for Gruyere cheese at Whole Foods or on sale at Gelson’s. A counterfeit operation of this scale is unprecedented. I mean, Japan sells a lot of televisions, right? They’d probably sell a lot more if it wasn’t for this [motherfucker] making counterfeits right under their noses. I know that he hasn’t been tried yet, so I’m not saying he’s guilty of counterfeiting, but he’s definitely guilty of something. You’re not going to print my name, are you?”

Officials expect to hold a press conference some time in the next few hours.

[c] 2008 Russ of America

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