I’ve seen a lot of things out there in life. A lot of things. And sometimes it’s difficult to discern truth from fiction, especially when it comes to liberal, bleeding-heart feminist propaganda. So I will use the scissor of conservative truth to cut through that politically correct feminist dogma and to expose the truth. But first, a quiz:
Please think about this very carefully for a few minutes. Of the following three women from history (or maybe more appropriately from “herstory”,) who is an actual scientist and who is fake? Dian Fossey, Jane Goodall or Dora The Explorer?
Yes, I know your kind. You’re semi-literate and you’ve been taught some really compelling “facts” by some very “reputable” people. The brainwashing likely began as early as nursery school when … Click Here to Read On! …
I have decided to take a vociferous anti-pre-algebra stance.
Either it *IS* algebra, or it isn’t algebra. I’ve always said that, or at least I’ve sometimes said that, especially when it came to criticizing pre-algebra.
I’m an English kinda guy, and we deal in a lot of definitions. pre-English isn’t a legitimate educational genre, and neither is pre-science. Prescience might be, but they didn’t teach us that in public high school. So if pre-english, and pre-science are not actual subjects, why is pre-algebra? I’d like to point out that it was never made clear to me what, exactly, pre-algebra was, except that it included elementary parenthetical equations and maybe some introductory FOIL (First Outside Inside Last) arguments here and there. But I still think that was algebra, not “pre” algebra.
But what made it pre-algebra instead of regular algebra? I don’t know. I just know that it was harder than the stuff I learned in 6th grade and got me into considerable trouble on report-card day and parent/teacher night. I therefore rebuke pre-algebra and any attempt to teach a skilled writer, or me, any mathematical concepts.
I greatly enjoy cooking. It’s a fun, artistic and loving pastime in which to indulge. I’ve had quite a bit of experience creating my own recipes and recently have come up with a number of homeopathic meals. On a crisp winter evening there’s very little that I enjoy more than a good, rich, homeopathic soup. Few things warm the heart quite like it and it brings comfort and relief to any poor soul laid up in bed with a wicked chest cold.
Homeopathic Chicken Soup
PREP TIME: 15 minutes
COOK TIME: 2 days
You will need:
2 six-quart soup pots
1 tablespoon butter
1 whole chicken, quartered if you like.
2 large carrots, diced
2 stalks celery, diced
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 large onion, coarsely chopped
1 tablespoon thyme
2 bay leaves
In a large soup pot, heat butter. Add onion and saute until translucent. Add garlic and saute for 30 seconds. Working quickly, add whole chicken, chopped carrots, celery, thyme and bay leaves and a tablespoon of salt. Cover the ingredients with approximately 6 quarts of cold, filtered water and bring to boil over a medium-high flame. Once boiling, reduce flame to medium and cover for approximately 1 hour or until chicken begins to separate from the bone. Occasionally skim froth from the top of the mixture as it boils.
Once the vegetables are tender and the chicken has cooked thoroughly, strain the soup into a second large pot.
After thoroughly washing the first soup pot, take one eye-dropper full of broth and transfer only one drop to the clean first pot. Discard remaining 6 quarts of chicken broth.
To the single drop of chicken broth add 99 drops cold water and bring to boil over medium-high heat for 1 second. Filter the broth again through fine cheesecloth into a clean soup pot. Succuss 100 times, up, down, left, right, forward, backward. Be careful to avoid splashing or burning.
Remove 1 dropper full of the new diluted broth. Wash the original pot again and then add one drop of the refined broth. Add another 99 drops water and bring to boil, reducing to medium-high for 1 second. Again succuss 100 times, up, down, left, right, forward, backward.
Repeat dilution and succussion process 30-60x to make the chicken taste even better than you can possibly imagine.
This folksy remedy operates on the principle like treats like and deliciousness treats deliciousness. So if you let a chicken peck out your eye, this homeopathic soup would cure blindness caused by chicken-pecking, but only if you were peckish for chicken, because homeopathy is not limited by wordplay. It would also cure avian flu and any human disease that was chicken-related, or any disease caused by deliciousness. So if you ate a delicious pork chop and got trichinosis, you should immediately make a batch of Homeopathic Chicken Soup to cure the deliciousness that caused your original disease. Makes perfect sense, right? If this doesn’t make sense, it’s because you are closed-minded and aren’t receptive to 200 years of proven non-allopathic remedies that might cure deliciousness, and we pity you and pray for you.
Don’t forget to garnish with 1/10000000000000 poppy seed and serve immediately while hot.
The use of dowsing or divining rods to find hidden objects, from water, to gold, to dead bodies, is a scientific practice dating back thousands of years. Every item that God put on earth emits a magnetomic frequention between 1qei-1603qei**. The dowser, if attuned to the appropriate frequention through conviction of faith and science, is able to use his or her rods to biangulate the location of the desired item, up to 20,000 feet below the earth’s crustula. Disbelievers, or “haters”, claim that magnetomical or any other form of divining is “a fallacy” (as some of the bloggers call it) in spite of incontrovertible evidence proving that biangulation of magnetomic frequention is a provable, demonstrable and working scientific concept equivalent to main-stream scientific laws such as electricity, fluid dynamics and magnetic healing. The disbelievers spread their hate and terror through their baseless opinions and myopic dogma in the form of arrogantly ignorant demands that dowsing scientists should have to *prove* our extraordinary claims because somehow the burden is on us to prove science, instead of on them to disprove the science. Science is facts, not theory. Duh! And you use facts to prove a theory, not a science! Duh! If you have a problem with dowsing, that’s just your theory and you have to prove that it does NOT work, and not the other way around. Since when did people with inexplicable claims ever have to prove anything first? That’s up to your alleged “scientific science.” If you can’t accept this obviousness, then I pity you, but I will keep my heart open to forgive you.
To put the haters to rest once and for all, I am organizing The Dowsing Challenge. It is estimated that there are between 4-7 million abandoned landmines in Cambodia. My plan is to compile a team of 1000 dowsers, funded by your charitable donations of no less than $10,000,000 or more, to travel to Cambodia. Once there we will help to biangulate and to clear landmines using no scientific method other than dowsing. We will disarm the landmines with acupuncture, distance healing, free energy, and homeopathics. Then we will restore polluted soil to its original shape by using the rejuvenative power of magnets and ionic bracelets to regenerate the once pristine Cambodian soil. Anyone who has faith in dowsing as strongly as I, is asked to immediately fund or to join my crew and to do something positive with their god-given scientific or financial resources as I have chosen to do. If you know a lot of non-dowsers, urge them to offer their financial support. If you are an intelligent person you will donate money to this cause because it speaks to a very important humanitarian issue: saving helpless little children and the world-weary elderly from excruciating death and the discomfort of disfigurement. I should also remind you that by donating money to this cause you will be preserving your freedoms as a god-blessed American dowser, or as a lifelong faithful supporter (if you yourself do not dowse.) If you do not, within a short time span the government will intervene and reveal to you that the pinko liberals have successfully lobbied to suppress your rights of expressing yourself through divining, and so you can’t do it anymore. Are you going to give them this power?
More details on the $10,000,000 Dowsing Challenge to follow.
** qei (alt: QEI) (pron: quee) is the dowser’s preferred unit of measurement for magnetomic energy frequention. According to many documents found on the Internet, Queen Elizabeth I was said to be a proponent of dowsing, to the extent that she ordered dowsers to assist English miners with locating valuable mineral seams. It is for this reason that we dowsers have co-opted her initials for our preferred measurement unit. We could have used Charles Richet’s initials, but his name doesn’t come up a whole lot in pop-culture so not a lot of people know who he is, and it was much easier to turn QEI into “quee” than it would be to turn CR into something resembling a word. It also deserves mention that magnetomic frequention is not the same thing as electromagnetic frequencies (alt: EMF), which is totally a pseudo-scientific concept.
The difficult-to-categorize, but extraordinarily brilliant musical group Talking Heads said, “Facts just twist the truth around. Facts are living turned inside-out.” That’s a profound excerpt, I think. As they are have a published opinion on facts, this expert, authoritative citation I’ve quoted is good-enough to support my argument, even if I may have misquoted them or taken their ideas out of context.
I believe in ghosts, UFOs, angels, goblins, sprites, spirits, fairies, poltergeists, leprechauns, chupacabras, space aliens, any kind of loch monster, bigfeet, dragons, children of the corn, the Shining, psychics, necromancy, demonic possession, satanism, witchcraft (light, dark and caramel crunch,) Roman, Greek, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu and Christian gods, The Force, santeria, voodoo, zombies, the occcult, Aleister Crowley, Criss Angel, Teller but not Penn, The Mighty Atom, Hans Christian Anderson, Smurfs, the mythical Soma, Spanish fly, Hulda Clark’s zappicator, the healing power of magnets, homeopathy, hexagonal water, herbal penis enlargement and the legend of menehune.
All of you non-believers need to stop hating on me, you haters. Hatred is bad and it’s totally illegal to hate on me and you are hating with pure hatred streaming out of your hate-filled eyeballs. Why you hating so much, hater? Hatey Haterson. If you don’t believe in any of that stuff you’re just a no-good skeptic and you have no faith. Hater skeptic. You have no faith and I’ll pray for you.
