This Thanksgiving I’m very grateful for teeth, specifically my teeth. Nothing’s wrong with my teeth. They’re all still there, I just think you have to appreciate the things you have BEFORE you lose them, like your teeth. Otherwise you’re just another one of those people who whine about their crappy life and their stupid missing teeth.
SOPHIE: “<sob sob>”
ME: “Aw man, Sophie’s crying again. I bet it’s about her fucking missing teeth again!”
YOU: “Hi Sophie…”
SOPHIE: “Hey everybody. I’m grateful that I used to have teeth. I miss all the fun stuff I could do with them. ”
YOU: “Oh, that’s sweet of you to reminisce about your teeth.”
ME: “Yeah, that’s rich. Could you please pass the corncobs and candied apples?”
SOPHIE: “I DON’T HAVE TEETH ANYMORE!!!”
ME: “Yeah, yeah. Cry me a river, princess.
YOU: “Hey man, that’s uncalled for! She doesn’t have teeth!”
ME: “Look, nobody wants to hear her selfish bullshit around the sacred Thanksgiving bird.”
SOPHIE: “<sobbing into the sweet potatoes>”
ME: “And stop crying into the fuckin’ sweet potatoes!”
SOPHIE: “They’re yams!”
ME: “No, they’re fuckin’ sweet potatoes! Look it up! If you had any fuckin’ teeth, you could at least do that much!!”
The world’s most popular search engines send me tons of visitors who have tons of jackoff-related questions. Here are more examples of their helpless queries and my helpful replies:
Q: can i jackoff into your ass
R: No.
Q: how to suppress urge to jackoff
R: Try rubberbands.
Q: how to jackoff more than once
R: That’s easy — Jerk off a second time.
I’ve seen a lot of things out there in life. A lot of things. And sometimes it’s difficult to discern truth from fiction, especially when it comes to liberal, bleeding-heart feminist propaganda. So I will use the scissor of conservative truth to cut through that politically correct feminist dogma and to expose the truth. But first, a quiz:
Please think about this very carefully for a few minutes. Of the following three women from history (or maybe more appropriately from “herstory”,) who is an actual scientist and who is fake? Dian Fossey, Jane Goodall or Dora The Explorer?
Yes, I know your kind. You’re semi-literate and you’ve been taught some really compelling “facts” by some very “reputable” people. The brainwashing likely began as early as nursery school when … Click Here to Read On! …
