May 24th, 2009
Manzanita Gold
This is a gun. Criminals have guns. So do heroes. This gun belongs to a hero.
This man is a hero. He helps keep thing safe. To help him keep things safe, he … Click Here to Read On! …
March 26th, 2009
The Cops Are Fuckin’ Everywhere!
I was out driving for about an hour today, running errands and such. I must’ve seen four cops pulling people over in various places. Looks like they’re being really pro-active about generating revenue in this shambles economy.
If you’re economically disadvantaged, you’d better set your cruise control to 34mph, come to complete stops at lights and signs and use your effing signals ‘cuz otherwise you’re gonna be at an even greater economical disadvantage.
I always wondered why traffic tickets aren’t on a sliding scale based on income. Is it equitable that a gardener loses half a week’s pay for blowing a stop light when Halle Berry only has to sacrifice her next designer t-shirt? Do high penalties make poor people better drivers? I used to live in a poorer neighborhood and I never noticed any correlation. I’d like to see the statistics instead of relying solely on anecdote. You know me.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
March 18th, 2009
LA X-Press Subscription Form
Look man, times are tough. Whether you be old or young, you gotta do what you gotta to do get by, and sometimes it means sacrificing your morals. And by “sometimes” I mean “usually” because morality is fleeting, like good breath. So have you ever thought about sacrificing your morals to sell newspaper subscriptions?
[c] 2009 Russ of America
March 16th, 2009
Memorandum: Fiscal Policy Change re: Tipping
TO: All @ All
FROM: Russ of America, CFO 400% More Jackoff Magic
SUBJECT: Fiscal Policy Change re: Tipping
Due to the increasingly precarious nature of the economy and significantly reduced revenue streams being seen from Q4 2008 to present, the following policy change will be in effect immediately to help conserve resources vital to the upkeep of our corporation:
1) There will be no more guilt-inspired obligatory tipping at fast food restaurants. Where in the past we might have chucked a buck into a lucite box hand-scrawled with the word “Tips/Propinas” this will occur no longer. This includes in establishments such as the national chain Subway, mom-and-pop Mexican restaurants and the occasional liquor store ballsy enough to request free money. Under what circumstances would we ever tip a liquor store clerk? The dominant reason for this policy shift is to save money, but we also feel that these establishments are free to set their prices at a fair market rate if they feel they are not making enough money. A secondary reason for ignoring the ubiquitous styrofoam tip cup is that tipping doesn’t result in a greater quantity of the product being sold. Subway for example, doesn’t give you extra lettuce if you tip the employee. The mom and pop Mexican restaurant will not give you extra meat in your burrito, or extra patties on your hamburger. Tipping also doesn’t yield a faster service time or guarantee that you will be treated like a champ. So we are ceasing to honor sanctioned begging. Our corporation has been begging people for money for years with no effect, and now it’s time for us to regain control over our disbursements.
2) A more stringent tipping scheme will be employed in dine-in restaurants. Where previously we would tip a minimum of 20% of the total bill to any mediocre server, now we will more cautiously evaluate the server’s DAPASS (Demeanor, Accuracy, Performance, Attentiveness, Speed and Skill) in deciding the tip. We have adjusted the minimum down to 14.9% for a mediocre server, and this amount will be based on the bill SUBTOTAL and not the GRAND TOTAL. Our analytical staff has determined that there is absolutely no reason to include the state sales tax in the tip calculation. Sales tax is a government regulated fee assessed by the state to pay for state services and programs, and a server should not profit from that, especially as there is talk of increasing the California Sales Tax to help offset the state budget deficit.
3) The policy for partronizing bars has been modified as well. Tips will be based on the cost of the beverage, the complexity of beverage being purchased, and also the bartender’s DAPASS. The more expensive the drink is, the less we will tip. A $7 mixed drink will yield a smaller tip than a $4 mixed drink of the same type at a different venue, on the basis that the venue is already grossly overcharging the patron. The complexity of the beverage will also determine the tip. A mixed drink will fetch a higher tip because there is more labor and specialized skill involved. No bartender should expect a buck or more for popping a bottle cap off of a beer bottle. Give me the fucking thing and I’ll open it. If you insist upon doing it yourself, be prepared to smile when we hand you four bits for your trouble. We don’t care if the server is wearing a pair of cutesy little shortie-shorts and a tank top tonight, it’s a bad economy, brother.
Please replace your existing tipping policy chart with this memorandum as this policy is now in effect.
Sincerely,
Russ of America, CFO 400% More Jackoff Magic
[c] 2009 Russ of America
February 2nd, 2009
Praying For The Lottery
I’ve heard of people who play the lottery and pray earnestly that they win. I’m sure that God loves a gambler. He must! After all, you took a gamble on him (instead of one of those other gods) so why wouldn’t he reward you? It seems the honorable thing to do. On the other hand, I wonder how God’s cabinet handles these kinds of requests. Does he have a reason to reward a person who asks to win the lottery? Would he? Is it in his divine grace, or would he favor someone who, instead of praying to win the lottery, prayed instead that there would be significant tax cuts for all individuals. If I were running things I’d reward the person who prays for the good of all humankind instead of the good of one person. Then again, if I were in charge of the universe, I’d be more lax in my rules. I’d let you get into heaven without accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior, as long as you were doing good deeds. But as the pious will tell you, God works in mysterious ways and His will can’t be predicted or explained. I’m just sayin’ that it would be a nicer gesture that a greater number of people would save a couple of grand per year rather than one person getting $100,000,000.00. It just seems more fair from my unheavenly perspective.
I wonder a lot of things, and that often prevents me from having a day job.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
