This is Russ of America, Pharaoh of California, speaking to you, my dear citizens of California. Or potentially to you, my dear potential visitors of California.
I’m always thinking of new ways to serve this state, the best state out of all of the states in the United States of American states. I’ve noticed a trend over the last few decades — California has become needlessly congested. Gridlocked traffic on the freeway at 1 o’clock in the morning is inexcusable! The other day I was watching a rerun of the 1970s television program CHiPs and I noticed that Ponch and Jon only had to deal with, like, 8 cars on the entire freeway at any given time. But today, our freeways are clogged virtually every moment of the day. As a result: California is now forced to institute a … Click Here to Read On! …
A decade before I ever drove a car I was taught that if you spot an automobile driving at night with its headlights off, the way to communicate to them that their lights are off, is to turn your lights off and on a couple of times.
I’ve been doing this for almost two decades I’d estimate that the other driver corrects their lightless condition a mere 3% of the time. What the hell am I wasting my energy for?
So these days, instead of flashing my headlights, I just pray for them to drive into a lightpost. I am a huge fan of ironic justice, and I think that fits the bill just fine.
[c] 2009 Russ of America
UPDATE: 06.23.09 – Tonight, during the darker side of dusk, I saw several people driving with their headlights off. Just for fun I flashed my headlights at two random malefactors. For the first transgressor, I turned my lights off, paused two beats, then turned them back on. No change. The driver continued down the street with his lights off. For the second scrumblehead I flashed the headlights rapidly off-on-off-on-off-on. Nope. They didn’t flick on the headlights. Neither dipshit turned on his lights. Did I actually expect anything different? No! I’ve come to understand that if a person is driving with their headlights off, they’re not paying attention to anything to begin with. They have no clue that their lights or off, or that they’re driving too fast (because their dashboard is completely blacked out) and they’re just roaming through the streets like a jackass zombie. Fine. I get it. This test was meant to confirm or refute my anecdotal hypothesis that they’re just in their own worlds, and that’s exactly what’s going on. No surprise. Good luck when you’re wrapped around that lightpost, fuckwad! Pray pray pray pray pray…
I was out driving for about an hour today, running errands and such. I must’ve seen four cops pulling people over in various places. Looks like they’re being really pro-active about generating revenue in this shambles economy.
If you’re economically disadvantaged, you’d better set your cruise control to 34mph, come to complete stops at lights and signs and use your effing signals ‘cuz otherwise you’re gonna be at an even greater economical disadvantage.
I always wondered why traffic tickets aren’t on a sliding scale based on income. Is it equitable that a gardener loses half a week’s pay for blowing a stop light when Halle Berry only has to sacrifice her next designer t-shirt? Do high penalties make poor people better drivers? I used to live in a poorer neighborhood and I never noticed any correlation. I’d like to see the statistics instead of relying solely on anecdote. You know me.
You know when you get into some shit in traffic — some motherfucker cuts you off and you need to give him a piece of your mind — your brain quickly evaluates the seriousness of the offense committed against you, and this time you decide that you’re going to give this sonofabitch a solid fifteen to twenty seconds of horn honking from your Honda BECAUSE HE’S A TOTAL JACKOFF!
God that feels so satisfying. Fuck that guy! Fuck that selfish guy! Fuck him right up the ass! “You can take this hot turgid horn right up your tailpipe, jerk!”
It’s all working out so well for you until the horn starts to drain your car battery.
