Russ Carney of America

From information parsed from various news sources, I know this: Mexican drug cartels are murdering cops, civil servants, each other, and innocent families over maintaining power of the drug trade. And maybe even pets! Now, I was always a little surprised that people were getting killed over schwaggy, soil laden, seeds-and-stem, kilo-bricked Mexican marijuana, but now it’s the good stuff too! I’ll be a monkey’s uncle if it isn’t happening, and I’m *nobody’s* uncle, I can assure you of *that*. Mexican murder cartels have begun to wield even more power and exercise greater violence alongside their increased greed.

But we can’t let innocent pets die, or even people, and we need to face the unsavory fact that America is in the midst of an economic crisis in need of swift repair. Every penny you spend domestically will help to strengthen us. So, I present to you the first step towards my rung-climbing aspiration to Pharaoh of California, this national movement to boycott foreign narcotics. Look, if you are a Hollywood socialite, it may seem difficult to take a stand against foreign drugs. You’re busy sleeping most of the day and partying at night. When do you have time to take a stand? But your dealers are hungry for your business. If you re-define your needs, they will be forced to provide that product. That’s the free market. So if you are that kind of Hollywood socialite, especially one with any history of public good-deeding (do-gooding? dood-gooing?) or environmental action, just remember that the best environment you can improve right now, is your own environment. Heck**, why involve a dealer at all? If you have any acreage in the Hollywood Hills you probably have plenty of room to grow coca or opium to sustain your needs and the needs of a few of your closest friends. Even if you live in a small home you could probably farm something. And you don’t have to be a socialite to make a difference. Even if you’re just a regular guy who like to party and occasionally snort a line of coke off of the top of a club urinal, you have the right to demand quality. The customer is always right.

So beginning now, and until further notice, anyone who cannot grow their own narcotics, for example, because they lack the lab equipment to refine cocaine, are because they are on disability, should insist only upon domestically produced, caffeine, tobacco, alcohol, marijuana, psychedelic mushrooms, LSD, MDMA, organic cocaine and heroin, methamphetamine, GHB, oxycodone and angel dust. I think it’s doable, starting small like that. Tell your drug dealers that you will no longer need their services unless they can provide you with quality, US grown and processed narcotics that bear the Made In The USA sticker. Demand that they open their books for review and that their sources are verifiable by the FDA, USDA or whomever for quality control oversight. Tell your drug lords that you want a written assertion that none of the drugs they provide to you originate, or are linked with, any drug cartels outside of the United States. I think they call that a product mission statement, which is a legitimate expectation to have of your vendors. Your suppliers should take a few tips from the good people at Ben and Jerry’s.

We are Americans and we have high standards. We should insist only upon the best, and only upon honest, quality, humanely made products crafted by honest, quality, living-wage-receiving Americans. Let’s get our brethren and sistren out of the unemployment lines and back on the streets, restoring their pride and making them once again the great Americans they always thought they were. This will make our country better, stronger, more unified and will help to prevent the innocent murder of those pets I mentioned in my first paragraph and of the families and cops and civil servants, yadda yadda.

Now is the time for action. Now is the time for change!

Join the Facebook Group today and start the dialogue!

This message has been approved by the campaign of Russ of America for Pharaoh of California.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

**I apologize for swearing.

1 Comment | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: act locally, angel dust, bad economy, ben and jerry's, boycott, cocaine, colombia, drug cartels, drug lords, foreign narcotics boycott, free market, grass, grow your own, heroin, high standards, hollywood socialite, innocent pets, living wage, lsd, marijuana, mdma, medical marijuana, methamphetamine, mission statement, monkey's uncle, mushrooms, not paris hilton, open books, opiates, organic cocaine, organic heroin, oxycodone, pcp, pharaoh of california, post september 11th, pot, recession, sticks and stems, stimulants, think globally, weed. | #

Hello!

My name is Russ of America and I run the 400% More Jackoff Magic humor blog. You may have heard of me from such blogs as this one. I’ve been doing a little research on my blog statistics recently, (a self-indulgent marketing activity practiced by most bloggers,) and I noticed some trends in the kinds of queries people are entering into search engines. To be more helpful to my visitors, and to potentially encourage them to read more of the crass, puerile, sardonic, pseudo-intellectual humor I’ve written on this site, I thought I might invest a few moments to address some of your interests.

Here are some of the top search queries and my helpful responses.

Q: man jack off
R: Yes, it’s probably safe to say that he did. Approximately 63% of men admitted to it in a 1994 study. 63%, that is, if you believe the veracity of sex statistics.

 

Q: smoke pot and jack off
R: You probably could, depending on the laws in your area, but many cities aren’t as pot-friendly as others, and masturbating while smoking marijuana could pose a fire hazard. If you are going to engage in this kind of risky behavior, it’s important that you exercise some basic fire safety precautions. Keep a fireproof ashtray handy, be sure that you have an emergency escape plan, and be sure that your fire extinguisher is functional and fully charged. Use the buddy system, and don’t be caught unprepared.

 

Q: the best jack off method
R: It’s a matter of personal preference, but if I were you, I’d invest in an inversion table or similar jackoff aid. It’s difficult to explain, but there’s something about inverting your balls that can really pump out about 35% more pleasure units during your jackoff. Of course you need to check with your doctor before beginning any new jackoff regimen, and be sure that she deems you fit enough to use an inversion table. While at the doctor’s office you may want to double-check that you’re not suffering from cryptorchidism or retractile testicle as these can affect jackoff pleasure.

 

Q: how to jack off more than once
R: After you jack off, jack off again.

 

Q: i jack off a lot
R: That’s not a question. You’re bragging.

 

Q: what is the perfect way to jack off
R: It depends on what you are into. Do you like candles? Soft music? Techno? Montel Williams? Watching Tombstone? There are no rules or limits. Just strap yourself into the inversion table, jerk that pistol and go to work. You know, skin that smoke wagon and see what happens. Obviously I prefer Tombstone.

 

Q: jack off sock
R: That’s a totally legitimate and environmentally aware method, for sure. It’s certainly a more green approach than using disposable tissue after each emission. You could also make a Fifi or Fifi Bag, but unless you reuse or re-purpose the latex glove, there is no improvement to the environment.

 

Q: jackoff tips
R: Here are some good tips: Lock the door. Make sure nobody’s around. Be comfortable with your body. Do what feels good without inflicting your beliefs on others. Don’t break the law. Maintain a neutral pH. Stay away from rubber bands. Keep it moist.

 

Q: jackoff in toilet
R: It’s possible. Many people try this, but ultimately get bored of it as it’s not a very comfortable position. If you do this, try to avoid wasting water unless it is necessary to protect your privacy.

 

Q: old guy jackoff
R: He might, but not as often as he used to.

 

Q: nadya suleman toes
R: As a taxpayer who is helping to [cough cough] foot the bill for her fourteen children, your query is offensive to me.

Okay, if I’ve helped you out in any way, I’d appreciate if you’d tell your friends about my site and visit often. Create an account, login, participate.

Your pal of America.

DISCLAIMER: If you are under the age of 18, make sure to get your parents’ permission before masturbating. 400% More Jackoff Magic is not a role-model and assumes no liability for any negative consequence, social, religious, spiritual, academic, or civil, related to your disgusting, depraved and completely natural activities.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Jackoff Queries | tags: buddy system, conservation, cryptorchidism, drought, fire safety, inversion table, inverted balls, jack off, jackoff, jerk off, jerkoff, keep it moist, marijuana, masturbation, masturbation and fire safety, montel williams, nadya suleman toes, neutral pH, perfect jackoff, pleasure, pleasure principle, pleasure units, pot, queries, retractile testicle, self love, self pleasure, toilet, tombstone, upside-down, weed. | #

Michael Phelps, a historic US Olympian chastised by various cock-and-bull organizations for smoking the marijuana drugs.

Who cares? Republican hero George W. Bush smoked the tweeds, Obama smoked, Clinton tried to smoke, but his greens were too harsh to inhale — but still he tried! He tried very hard! Are we seriously spending time with this? Do we really think that Phelps did something wrong? He smoked some grass. The same grass the Rastafarians say Jah Almighty put upon this earth to smoke. This was the same Jah who put those Bob Marley and Grateful Dead blacklight posters on your parents’ wall. Jah wanted us to smoke the shit out of them weeds, and so we did. What the fuck did Phelps do that was so out of the ordinary, anthropologically?

If your parents smoked grass, and if you smoked grass, you have no legitimate complaint against this Michael Phelps kid. Grass appears to be a totally natural part of our culture. If it was good enough for your mother in the 60s, and probably your grandmother in the 80s, then it should be good enough for your 2008 national sports hero. Although contemporary opponents argue that the pot of the 60s wasn’t NEARLY as strong as the pot of the 21st century — but what exactly does that mean? If the pot of today is 20x more powerful as the pot of the 60s, does that mean that you would get 20x more stoned? Or does it mean that you are smoking 1/20 as much as you used to get achieve the equivalent amount of stonedation?

Athletes shouldn’t be our role models. I don’t want jocks teaching children about drugs, sex, alcohol and morality. The only thing I want a jock to teach a child is how to avoid crotch rot and athlete’s foot. But many of my peers across the nation disagree with me and think that athletes make for the best babysitters. Scientists would be a better choice for role models than athletes. And even scientists aren’t the best choice. Kids should have PARENTS as role models, because even SCIENTISTS are smoking weed. And if your scientists are smoking weed, you should probably ask them what’s so special about it, because maybe they’d have a scientific answer involving anthropology. Bruce Parry from the TV program “Going Tribal” knows what I’m talking about. He not only helps white-skinned people understand isolated, indigenous cultures, but he also convinces these cultures that he’s their child, he goes through their coming-of-age rituals and experiments with their psychopharmacopoeia. But for you to be so incredulous when a 20-something year-old America kid smokes pot to the extent that you plan to eviscerate him and strip him of the insane number of Olympic medals he’s achieved, is absolutely ridiculous. Mixed-martial-arts fighter Nick Diaz had to forfeit his loss to Takanori Gomi for his use of marijuana. I’m sorry, but marijuana can’t be considered a performance-enhancing drug unless you’re an artist, funk musician or comedian.

[c] 2009 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: 2008, anthropology, bingo, bollocks, bong, bruce parry, bullshit, going tribal, marijuana, michael, olympics, phelps, pot, role models, sports, weed. | #

When I’ve been dating a girl for a while and it develops that she’s been smoking rock cocaine I think that maybe I would really have to think about parting ways with her.

I’d think about it, but it’s tough, you know?

It’s tough when someone you love starts smoking on the base pipe. The base pipe is the worst pipe. Lead pipe is pretty bad pipe, but base pipe is worst pipe.

The Crack Rock ain’t no joke and so I’d probably want to sit her down and talk to her about her problem. I promised my Drug Abuse Resistance Education officer I would at least do that.

Boy, isn’t it a bitch the way the world works? It’s just not fair.

You finally meet someone who’ll put up with you for more than an hour… And she’s gentle and she’s fun to drink lager with and her sweat tastes like honey… and her flatulence smells like vanilla and she knows how to balance a checkbook.

And by the way, she smokes the rock cocaine drugs.

I’d really consider talking to her about maybe stopping or else we might have to part ways.

“I don’t understand why are you breaking up with me?”
“I think it is important to re-evaluate what’s going on between you and me.”
“What do you mean? Why?”
“It has come to my attention that you’re doing something that I’m not really cool with.”
“What did I do? What am I doing that you’re not cool with?”
“[sigh. . .] I saw you doing something that is against the law.”
“What? Will you please tell me? What am I doing?”
“I saw you smoke the rock.”
“What rock?”
“Whattayathink I’m talking about? Pop Rocks? You’re smoking the rock!!”
“What rock?”
“The goddamn crack cocaine rock! The Base Rock! You ever heard people say, ‘What’s the matter with you? Are you smoking the rock?’ Well, they’re talking about you!! People who smoke the rocks of crack cocaine!
“I don’t understand.”
“Of course you don’t understand – you’re high on the cocaine rocks!”
“Okay, look, in the interest of advancing this dialogue, I will admit to smoking the rocks. But you do illegal things too!”
“Like what?!”
“Speeding. Jaywalking. You cheated on your taxes. . .”
“What the fuck are you — YES! Okay, but I’m not on The Rocks! I’m not freebasing the rock cocaine. Right? The government would prefer that I was fucking around a little bit on my taxes than smoking coca drugs. And jaywalking? Jaywalking doesn’t kill babies! Look, you violated a basic trust mechanism. You violated it. We have an agreement — it’s not a WRITTEN agreement, but it’s an implied social contract that there will be no lying, no cheating, no stealing, hurting or killing… and, you DON’T SMOKE COCAINE!”
“When did you become such a fucking square? You smoked pot for fifteen years.”
“Pot and cocaine are two COMPLETELY different beasts. Fifteen years of pot doesn’t even approach a single four-day binge on The Pipe. Does it? In fifteen years of smoking pot I never once broke into someone’s home in order to feed my habit.”
“It was a garage.”
“What?”
“I didn’t break into a house, I broke into a garage.”
“What the fuck — That’s beside the point. Are you really arguing that there’s a material difference between breaking into a house to steal shit so you can sell it and get high, and breaking into a house?”
“Is that a rhetorical question?”
“It’s the same fucking thing! Look, I’m just saying that by dating you I’d be initiating the beginning of my own downward spiral. Believe me, I wish I could change the rules, but my hands are tied here. Effective immediately this relationship is in dissolution.”

Yeah, if my old lady was sucking that glass dick, believe me, buddy, I’d totally have to take a stand, do the healthy thing and sever the cord, you know?

But goddammit… she knows how to balance a checkbook.

[c] 2006 Russ of America

No Comments | In: Well Organized Ideas | tags: accounting, binge, binging, checkbook, cocaine, crack, crack rock, crime, dating, freebase, freebasing, girls, hurting, illegal, jaywalking, killing, lying, marijuana, pot, smoking, speeding, stealing, weed. | #